


It could be us

by Jisane



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Falling In Love, First Love, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Mutual Pining, Pining, Protective Severus Snape, Romance, Severus Snape Has a Heart, Severus Snape Needs a Hug, Slow Burn, Smut, Teacher-Student Relationship, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2019-08-07 04:22:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 64,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16401251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jisane/pseuds/Jisane
Summary: 1989. It's been eight years since the Dark Lord had fallen and the wizarding world seemed at peace.The sixth year, seventeen year old Slytherin student Elizabeth Brighton loved potions ever since she saw the artistic way of the Potions Master creating one. She couldn't understand how everybody else could resist him. Stumbling over his secret one night, the black-cloaked man became a mystery she had to solve.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there!  
> I really hope you guys like the story! I've been a Potterhead forever, still it's my first fanfiction in the fandom. Love to get some feedback! :)
> 
> Disclaimer: All rights of the wonderful world of Harry Potter and all it's characters belong to J.K. Rowling of course and I am eternally grateful to her for changing my world with it.  
> The OCs are mine of course as is the story :) All characters are of (magical) age!

“Well done, Miss Brighton.”, I heard the sonorous voice of the Potions Master behind me, while I was filling some of my work into a tiny vial. “Ten points for Slytherin.”

“Thank you, Professor.", I simply answered, my green eyes filled with pride. Getting the attention of my favorite professor and head of house always made my day.

“That’s it for today. For the next lesson, write an essay on _Everlasting Elixirs_. 13 inches. That’s all.” The dark-haired man returned to his desk while I was packing my things back into my bag, desperate to go to the library to study some more. Although Potions has been the last class for today and the weekend was up, I could never resist the charm of all the old books, full of knowledge and magic still to learn.

Ever since I came to Hogwarts five years ago, the library has been my favorite place. I’ve been asked several times by my classmates, why I haven’t got sorted into Ravenclaw instead of Slytherin. My nose has been buried in a book for most of my time at Hogwarts. I always just shrugged and smiled at their comments. I didn’t really mind; since I was little I found it hard to make friends and turned to books instead. That didn’t really change in Hogwarts. My sixth year started two months ago and I still had just found two friends: Alexandra and Edward. They were both in my house and year.

On the other hand, it had it’s advantages too. I was mostly at the top of the class – except for Divination and Flying Class. No matter how much I tried to improve in those, it never worked, which made it so much better to finally have dropped them.

As I walked into the library, I saw Alex already sitting at one of the tables. Smiling I made my wayover to my best friend, taking the seat next to her. “What are you working on?”, I whispered, not wanting to upset Madame Pince.

“Arithmancy. Let me guess, you finished yours already?”, the brown-haired girl said with a smile.

Slightly blushing I pushed my blonde curls behind my ear, nodding silently.

“So, what are you going to work on, Liz?”

“Professor Snape’s homework”, I replied, pulling out my copy of _Advanced Potion Making_.

“You know, you might be the only person who call’s him “Professor” without him being here”, she remarked.

“He deserves the uttermost respect, did you know…”

“Stop”, Alex interrupted me. “Stop with the Snape admiration please. I know you’ve been in love with him ever since the first year.”

“I am _not_!”, I exclaimed blushing excessively, earning a “Shhhh!” from Madame Pince.

Alex just chuckled, while I tried to concentrate on my essay. I didn’t like her jokes about my admiration for the Potions Master. I wasn’t in love with him, I just admired his skills; the way he brewed his potions was more magical than any wand waving I’ve seen. All the charms and jinxes I’ve witnessed since I came to Hogwarts, hadn’t impressed me as much as the black-cloaked man’s abilities. Having been raised by adoptive muggle parents, I didn’t know I was a witch till my eleventh birthday. Until today I wasn’t sure if I was muggle-born, a half- or a pureblood. Not that I really cared, but being in Slytherin, the question came up more often than I’d like it to.  
I quickly shook my head to get my thoughts back on my homework. I wanted to finish this before dinner, so I could enjoy the Halloween weekend with trying to brew some of the sixth-year’s potions to get a head-start – and to be able to impress Professor Snape some more.

“You’re still thinking about your lover, aren’t you?”

“ALEX! Stop it!”

“Shhh!”

 

The fog hung heavily over the castle grounds on the 31st of October. The sun barely made it through the windows of Hogwarts castle, not to mention through the waters of the Black Lake. I’d been awake for quite a while, staring into the greenish depths of the lake from the window next to my bed. In a few minutes Alex would surely wake me to accompany her and Edward to breakfast. I actually couldn’t wait to start the day, knowing that in the Room of Requirements my own little potions paradise was waiting for me. I heard about the room when I came to Hogwarts but I finally discovered it for myself last year and I have been using it to enjoy brewing in peace, not having to use the potions classroom. Although I had noticed, the room sometimes had trouble to produce rare ingredients which would make it troublesome to create some of the sixth year potions for sure. Maybe... I swallowed at the pure thought of it, but maybe I could ask Professor Snape if I could use some of the rarer ingredients, hidden in his private storage. If I’d find the courage to ask him that was.  

“Liz, are you awake yet?”, I heard the sleepy voice of Alex, who had the bed to the right.

“Yeah, been a while, sleepy head”, I answered with a smile and finally got up to start the day.

 

After breakfast with Alex and Edward, I found an excuse to leave the two for the Room of Requirements. It's been hours since I've locked myself in here but I didn't get tired of the bubbling potion in front of me, of the fumes filling the room or the smell of the various ingredients.

Humming I dropped in a dash of thyme tincture, slowly stirring it in. Excited I watched the color of the liquid change, rechecking the line for the current step. The title on top of the page showed _Felix Felicis_ in golden letters. I knew how dangerous the potion could be if I only made the slightest mistake, but I couldn't resist the temptation of brewing one of the most difficult potions in the world.

_"Grind up Occamy eggshells and add it to the mixture"_ , I read the next line aloud, while grabbing the box of eggshells. Surprised how light it was, I opened it and my heart sank at the sight of the single eggshell in the box. That wasn't nearly enough for the liquid luck.

A loud sigh escaped my lips and filled the high ceiling of the room, while I sank onto the chair. I didn't want to give up, I've waited too long to finally brew this potion but the only option I had, was the idea I had in the morning: asking the Potions Master for help.

If he'd help me? I couldn't tell but the only thing that could happen, would be him saying no, right? Maybe he would be impressed because I attempted to brew Felix Felicis? The idea of even the slightest admiration in his eyes, made my heart race. 

With a deep breath I turned off the fire under my cauldron, before I packed away everything. I was taking my time, trying to find the courage to go into Professor Snape's office and ask the black-haired man.

Leaving the Room of Requirements behind, I made my way back down to the dungeons. I could tell that it was almost time for the Halloween feast, since the sun was rapidly moving towards the horizon.

As I reached the corridor that led to my head of house's office, I could feel my heart beating heavily against my ribcage. Looking into those dark eyes, always made me nervous and asking him for a favor, made me even more anxious.

I inhaled deeply, coming to a halt in front of the door. I could do this.

As I raised my hand to knock, I realized the door was left slightly ajar and I could hear a sound coming from inside. Leaving his office unlocked was very unlike my favorite professor; did somebody – or even worse: something – break into his office?

Quickly I drew my wand, silently pushing the door open and sliding into the office, expecting the worst.

When I saw the source of the noise though, I felt my heart sank.

It wasn't an intruder or a beast. It was Professor Snape. The dark haired man was sitting at his desk, holding a frame in his hands and – I didn't think it would be possible – he was crying. Never had I seen the normally reserved and distant man, sad, let alone cry. It broke my heart.

Without a thought, I moved towards him, wanting to comfort him, realizing too late what a dangerous situation I just stepped into.  
The moment the man realized, I was in the room, the sad expression on his face froze. I could see the anger rise in the black eyes, which seemed even blacker than usual and pierced into my green ones.

"P-professor...", I tried. I wanted to apologize for intruding, wanted to explain.

"Out", he just hissed between his lips, jumping from his chair.

Unable to move I stared at him. "I-I just..."

Quicker than I thought possible he moved towards me, the picture still in hand. Roughly he grabbed my collar and pushed me towards the door. "OUT!"

Scared as never before I rushed out, running towards the Slytherin common room. What did just happen? What did I just witness? Why was he crying? In how much trouble did I get myself into? And – the question which was the most important to me – who was the red haired woman on the picture Professor Snape was holding onto?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for making it this far, I really hope my English isn't that bad. I apologize for any mistakes, it's not my first language and I don't have a beta yet ^^'


	2. Chapter 2

I couldn't have faced him. I just couldn't. I had been way too scared of what would have happened, how he would've reacted. I doubted that a student ever invaded his privacy that deeply.

Frightened as I was, I hadn't left the Slytherin common room all weekend. Of course my friends had asked me several times why I jumped at the smallest movement around me and avoided all contact with life outside the common room.

“Seriously Liz, if you're not feeling well, you should go see Madame Pomfrey”, Edward had suggested, the worry in his grey eyes.

“No, it's fine, really. It's just... it's going to be okay, don't worry”, I had answered and to my relief he had accepted it. The two had even brought me food from the Great Hall, so I wouldn't starve. I would've completely forgotten about eating with my thoughts being consumed by the anger filled black eyes of my favorite professor.

I didn't know what to do about it. Should I talk to him and apologize? Should I just ignore it, act as nothing had happened? Maybe he would do it too then, maybe he had no punishment in store for me and we could just forget it and move on.

But at the same time, his sad eyes had burned themselves into my memory. It upset me to know that there was something in his world that could hurt him so deeply. I wished I could do something about it, help him somehow, so I never would've to see such sadness in them again.

No, I couldn't simply forget that.

Those two conflicting thoughts consumed me until Monday afternoon, until I had to face him in class again. It was probably the first time that I didn't take any notes during any of my classes that day but I couldn't concentrate on anything else.

When I stepped into the potions classroom, I didn't dare to look at Professor Snape. I just took my usual seat and kept my eyes strictly on _Advanced Potion-Making_ , desperately hoping this day would end well for me.

The captivating man started his lesson as usual and his voice echoed through the silent classroom. He described the effects of the Draught of living Death and I only payed little attention. I basically knew the potion by heart. Every time I got a new potions book during summer break I couldn’t stop reading it. And one of the most potent sleeping draughts was very intriguing to me. I’ve always had trouble sleeping. Nightmares accompanied me as long as I could remember. My adoptive parents didn’t know where they came from. I had them since the orphanage, ever since they adopted me at the age of five. I actually couldn’t remember anything about it, my first memory being my adoption.

“I’ll expect you to get halfway done with the potion today.”

Professor Snape’s voice brought me back to reality and I shook of the dark thoughts off and got to work. As soon as the fire under my cauldron was lit and the ingredients around me prepared, I could feel the fear slip off me. Brewing potions always awakened a strange strength in me. It raised my self-esteem incredibly and made me feel complete. The cauldron was my canvas and I was the artist, nothing could harm me here, nothing stop me. 

I was so absorbed by my work that I didn't realize Professor Snape was standing right behind me, while I was adding the Sopophorous bean juice. I was just about to stir my potion as the voice of my most admired professor interrupted me.

"Brighton, come see me after class.”

I almost dropped the ladle while feeling the fear finding it's way back into my body, absorbing every part of me.

Surprised Edward and Alex looked at me. Never had the professor asked me to come see him after class and seeing the fear in my eyes, I could feel them asking me what I did wrong.

“Next lesson, you'll finish your work. Class dismissed for today.”

I gulped while I slowly packed my things, not being able to think about anything. I could feel my heart beat aggressively against my chest. It felt as it wanted to jump out of it.

When the last student left and closed the door behind him, I stepped closer to the desk Professor Snape was sitting at. I didn't dare to look him into the eyes, keeping mine occupied with staring at my feet.

“So far that was a perfect Draught of Living Death, Miss Brighton”, Professor Snape started and surprised I looked at him. Did he just keep me to give me a compliment? That couldn't be it. I tried to figure out what he was thinking but his eyes didn't give away a thing.

“That's why you'll get detention.”

“What?!"

Shocked I looked at him. He had to be joking. He couldn't give me detention for a perfectly brewed potion. I never got detention for anything.

“Never did a student manage to brew a perfect draught at the first try, except myself at your age, you're obviously cheating.”

Never had I heard his voice being that cold, never had he mistrusted my potion skills and suspected me of cheating. But not being able to give me detention for his real reasons he tried to make some up – and I wouldn't have it. Not when it came to my potion skills.

"That isn't true and you know it, Sir! Just because nobody else but you managed to do it, doesn't make me a cheater!”, I yelled at him, surprised by my own courage. “If you want to punish me for what happened Saturday, then do it but don't doubt my skills!”

The next second I wanted to bite my tongue. I just screamed at Professor Snape. I wouldn't live to see the end of the day.

He seemed speechless for a moment, even a little impressed, before the anger returned with all its might. He rose from his chair, circled his desk and came to a stop right in front of me. Scared I tried to step back and bumped against the desk behind me. The last and only time he had been that close had been on Halloween. Having been too scared then I hadn't realized the smell coming from him. Musk and chalk, mixed with the fumes of several potions still clinging to his cloak. It clouded my thoughts.

His eyes quickly brought me back into reality though. They burned my skin with pure anger.

“30 points from Slytherin and detention every Tuesday starting tomorrow for a whole month, Brighton”, he hissed at me. “And you should never dare to speak like that to me again or I'll extend it till your graduation. Now leave."

On the verge of tears I rushed out of the room, still being followed by the scent of the dark-haired man.

*****

As the door slammed shut behind the blonde girl, I grunted angrily. How dared she talk to me that way? A student of my own house disrespecting me, how could she? It didn’t matter that she was right, she should’ve just accepted her fate and be done with it. Did she really think after her seeing me… in the state I was on Saturday, she’d not get any punishment? 

A loud sigh escaped my throat as I sank back onto my chair, staring at the desk. I knew it was my fault for not having locked the door but being the day it was, the thought of Lily had consumed me. I couldn’t believe that it’s already been eight years. And when I saw Brighton’s green eyes, the world stopped for just a second. I thought… but of course it wasn’t, it couldn’t. It would never again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! Thank you for the Kudos so far, I hope you enjoyed this chapter as well! More coming soon!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am currently on a roll, so here is the next chapter! Enjoy <3

“Okay, you have to explain that again, please”, Edward repeated, the ice cream in front of him slowly melting away. “You got detention…”

“…for a perfectly brewed potion, yes”, I answered and stared at my barely touched dinner. I still couldn’t believe what happened, still couldn’t believe my head of house would do this to me, _he_ would do this to me.

The black-haired boy across from me reached out for my hand. “It’s okay, Liz, detention isn’t that bad. Take it from me, I am an expert on it. Plus, it was bound to happen one day. You can’t go through your schooldays without it.”

“Edward is right, Liz”, Alex chipped in. “Although I get how upsetting it is that it was your-“

“Don’t Alex”, I said warningly and turned to her, knowing exactly what she wanted to say. “I am really not in the mood.”

“Could this be the day Elizabeth Brighton is going to say something slightly nasty about her beloved Snape?”

Edward started to chuckle and even though I wanted to scold Alex, I couldn’t help joining into the laughter of my best friends. They were right, it was just detention. Still it upset me that Professor Snape would talk and punish me this way. I have always hoped that I was his favorite student, someone slightly more special to him than the other students. I thought my skills with potions would’ve impressed him somehow, would’ve make him see something in me. Obviously I was mistaken. Horribly.

My eyes wandered to the head table where all the professors were seated – all but one. The Potions Master’s chair was empty – he hadn’t joined his colleagues for dinner. It was maybe the first time I was actually happy about him not being here.

‘I’ll see him soon enough at detention tomorrow’, I thought with a sigh and pushed dinner away from me. My appetite being gone for good at the thought of the hatred-filled eyes of the young professor.

 

Tuesday night arrived earlier than I liked it to. I didn’t know what Professor Snape had in store for me but as far as I heard, his detentions were the worst of all professors in Hogwarts. And my outburst surely didn’t help in softening my punishment.

Sighing I looked at the clock that was hanging over the fireplace in the common room. I should goif I didn’t want to be late. Grabbing my bag, I nodded towards Edward and Alex, who were doing their homework in a corner of the full room. Their reassuring smile made me feel a little better, as I left the room.

The way to the office of my Head of House was short. As I reached the dark door, I took a deep breath and knocked. I just hoped that whatever the potions professor had prepared for me, wouldn’t require much interaction with him. The hate and anger I’ve seen in his dark eyes the other day were still hurting me more than I’d like to admit.

“Come in.”

The first thing I noticed, was the cauldron. The professor himself was siting behind it at his desk, his eyes following me as I stepped closer. There were all kinds of ingredients around the cauldron and I knew exactly for which potion they were used. Did he want to make me brew it again?

“Good evening, Miss Brighton.”

“Sir”, I simply answered, not trusting my voice enough to say more.

“As you were so confident in your potion-making skills yesterday, you will brew the Draught of living Death once more for me today.”

Surprised I looked at him. That was all? That almost seemed too easy. I put down my bag and wanted to get out my potions book, as he stopped me.

“Oh you won’t need your book, Brighton.”

Slowly he got up and moved closer again. A shiver ran down my spine as I tried to avoid his gaze. “You will brew it without the instructions. That shouldn’t be a problem for someone with your skills, right Miss Brighton?”

I heard the sneer in his voice and stared at him in disbelief that quickly turned into anger. Two could play this game. “Of course, Sir.”

With a loud noise, I let my book fall back into my bag and started working. I knew exactly what to do, having brewed the potion just yesterday. Even the steps which I hadn’t gotten to, required little thinking. Meanwhile the professor circled me like a predator its prey. He didn’t say a word, just observed my steps with eagle eyes, just waiting for me to make a mistake – but that wouldn’t happen. The strength that always filled me while brewing didn’t betray me now either. I added and stirred like I was born for it and when I mixed the last ingredient in I looked at the rich purple liquid.

When I set the ladle aside, the man stepped closer and his scent I had noticed yesterday for the first time was enveloping me once more.

I could see that he was displeased and impressed at the same time while he stared into the liquid and I couldn’t help feeling a little proud.

“You may go, Brighton.”

Nodding I grabbed my bag and made my way to the door, stopping as I reached it though. It would be now or never.

“Professor?”

I turned around and looked at him, his dark eyes scanning me and almost making my courage vanish. Almost.

“I didn’t tell anyone. I never would.”

I could see the surprise in his pale face. I didn’t know why I have wanted to tell him but for me it felt necessary. Not expecting an answer though I turned to leave, as I heard the sonorous voice behind me.

“Good night, Miss Brighton.”

A small smile found its way to my lips as I spun around one last time. Green eyes meeting black.

“Good night, Professor”, I whispered before I left his office for good.

*****

I stared into the potion before me. A perfect draught, brewed without even reading one line of instruction. Never had I seen a student being capable of doing that. Of course I had noticed that the blonde girl was gifted when it came to potions but I didn’t realize she was that capable.

With a flick of my wand I let a vial appear and filled it with some of the potion. I couldn’t let a potion that good go to waste.

‘I didn’t tell anyone. I never would.’ Her words still echoed in my ears while I put everything away. I didn’t know why she’d say that. I hadn't expect her to say a word to anyone. Knowing my reputation I thought she would be too scared anyway. But the way she had said it, wasn’t to reassure me that she was too afraid to reveal my secret. I couldn’t say what her motives were. Ihad seen something in her green eyes when the smile had appeared on her lips. I couldn’t say what it was – and that intrigued me more than I’d like to admit.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little longer than the others but I doubt you'll mind ;) Enjoy and thank you for the feedback, I am looking forward to more <3

The weekend arrived quickly and with it the opportunity to visit Hogsmeade. Normally I’d prefer to spent my weekend at the Room of Requirements brewing but since my attempt at the liquid luck had gone to waste and I didn’t have enough ingredients for a second try, I decided to go to the village. Edward would accompany me. Alex was too busy with Quidditch practice to do so.

I hadn’t told them what exactly had happened at detention and they hadn’t bothered to ask. The real surprise occurred Friday though. My favorite professor had wanted everyone to finish the Draught of living Death – everyone but me. I had been about to get my ingredients, when the dark-haired man appeared in front of me.

“You may leave already, Miss Brighton.”

Puzzled I had looked at him. “Sir?”

“You finished your potion already”, he had said calmly, his voice almost… well, almost friendly. “There is nothing else I could teach you about the draught.”  
Completely speechless I had nodded and turned to pack my things. What had just happen? Never had I heard of someone who was allowed to leave the Potions Master’s class early. Everyone had been watching me, just as stunned as I was, as I had left the room.

That night I had trouble sleeping again but it wasn’t because of my usual nightmares. No, this time it was the professor who kept me awake. I couldn’t wrap my head around it why he had let me go early. Was it his way of apologizing? Of appreciating that I kept his secret? I didn’t know but I couldn’t help that my ‘special treatment’ as my classmates had called it, gave me a warm feeling. Maybe I was at least a little special to him.

“What are you smiling at?”

Edward’s voice brought me back from my thoughts as we reached Hogsmeade.

“Huh?”

“You’ve been smiling for quite a while now. Is there something on your mind?”

A slight blush reached my cheeks. “No, nothing particular.”

“Sure…” His face gave away that he didn’t believe me. “So, where would you like to go?”

“Oh, I need to restock a few ingredients so Dogweed and Deathcap. And Tomes and Scrolls, maybe they have something new.”

“Booooring.”

I rolled my eyes at my best friend. “Well, where do you want to go?”

“Zonko’s and Honeydukes of course.”

“So…”

“…we’ll meet at the Three Broomsticks.”

It was always that way when it was just the two of us. We were very different, exact opposites actually. He was a troublemaker, his grades barely over average. It wasn’t because of lack of intelligence though, not at all, he just hated to study. He preferred to drive the teachers insane to make everyone else laugh. He was pretty popular which always made me wonder why he liked to be with me.

Same went for Alex. She was a Chaser for our House team and a pretty good one. She was fancied by the boys and easily made friends. She was the one who had talked to me at the Hogwarts Express, who had started our friendship.

I always felt a little left out, being overlooked quite often when I was with them. I was a nerd, an outsider. The Slytherin that had adoptive muggle parents. At the beginning it had hurt me a lot but now I didn’t mind anymore. I had Edward and Alex, I didn’t care about anyone else.

‘Well that’s almost true’, I admitted to myself, my thoughts returning to my potions professor as I entered Tomes and Scrolls.

The owner greeted me with a nod while I started browsing the shelves. There wasn’t any potions book I hadn’t read yet on the shelves but after a while I found _Alchemy, Ancient Art and Science_ which I hadn’t seen in the Hogwarts library just yet.

Happy to have found something new I paid and made my way to Dogweed and Deathcap. I entered the shop, my nose already stuck in the book while, paying little attention to my surroundings. I went over to the shelve with the dried plants to grab what I needed to refill my ingredients storage.

Packing my book into my bag, I went to the cashier to pay when I remembered that I still needed Occamy eggshells if I wanted to have another try at Felix Felicis. I knew it was a long shot but since there was no Apothecary in Hogsmeade, maybe they had some?

“Excuse me”, I asked shyly while the woman in front of me packed my paid goods. “You don’t sell Occamy eggshells by any chance do you? Or do you know where I could get some in Hogsmeade?”

“And why would you need those, Miss Brighton?”

It hadn’t been the elderly woman in front of me who answered. Flustered I turned around and looked into the face of Professor Snape. His dark hair surrounding his pale, sullen face, his black eyes attentively observing me. I had been so occupied by my new book that I hadn’t noticed him in the shop.

“I, um, need some for a potion…”

“Well they don’t sell them here or anywhere else in Hogsmeade.”

“Oh… well, thank you for the information, Sir.”

I quickly grabbed my things and left the shop but didn’t make it very far. I had just brought a few steps between the shop and me as I heard his voice again.

“Miss Brighton.”

With a deep breath I turned around. “Yes, Professor?”

“What potion exactly are you trying to make? I don’t remember giving you an assignment that would require Occamy eggshells.”

“It’s not for an assignment…”, I tried, not wanting to tell him but his black eyes seemed to see through me, making any excuse useless.

“I am trying to brew liquid luck.”

He furrowed his brow, his arms crossed in front of his body. “Felix Felicis? For what exactly?”

“Nothing in particular, I just wanted to see if I am capable of doing it.”

I could see the surprise in his eyes as his stiff posture loosened a little. “That’s a highly difficult potion for a sixth year.” His eyes went over me again. “If you succeed, I’d like to see your results.”

I couldn’t help and smiled, feeling pride to have piqued his interest. “I’d be honored to get your opinion, Professor.”

He gave me a small nod before turning around, his black cloak waving in the wind behind him while I still stared in disbelief. Now I simply had to finish the potion.

 

The weekend was over more quickly than I’d like it to. I hadn’t even made it to the Room of Requirements, having had too much homework. Normally I would’ve regretted going to Hogsmeade but this time I simply couldn’t. I remembered Edward asking me why I was smiling again, when I had entered the Three Broomsticks but I had simply shrugged. 

During potions on Monday, Professor Snape just treated me like before Halloween again, even awarding me a few house points for correctly answered questions.

I was still on for detention the next day though but this time I was almost looking forward to it. I couldn’t help it. I was to spend time alone with the impressive man, maybe even learning something from him without other students slowing me down.

“Enter”, I heard a few seconds after having knocked on his office door on Tuesday night.

“Good evening, Professor Snape.”

“Miss Brighton, take a look please.”

This time he was standing next to his desk, a tiny cauldron on it. He looked at me as I came closer, observing the brown liquid.

“What exactly is it supposed to be, Sir?”

“According to the student who brewed it, an elixir to induce euphoria.”

I couldn’t contain a chuckle. “Well this one would certainly not induce that.”

“Is that so?”

“Of course. It should be a bright yellow in the end.” I didn’t even look at him, just answering mechanically. “I am pretty sure it didn’t emit rainbows in the end either.”

“You’re quite right, Miss Brighton. Your work for today is trying to fix this miserable one. My private storage,” he pointed at a door right of his desk, “is right there. Take whatever you need. And this time you may use your book.”

“Thank you, Sir”, I answered and pulled the book out of my bag, searching for the correct recipe. I read the instructions before walking over to the storage room. Seeing all the exotic ingredients made my fingers twitch. What would I give for having just a few of those? Maybe some day.

I quickly grabbed Sopophorous beans, Wormwood and Porcupine quills and brought them over before I remembered something and rushed back to the storage room, searching.

“Anything else you need? I think you got everything the recipe calls for.”

“I know, I was just wondering if you had some peppermint twigs as well.” I answered, searching between the herbs. “It’ll do without it of course, if you don’t.”

The dark-haired man seemed stunned for a second before coming over and reaching for a tiny box to my right. He was standing right behind me and I was once more enveloped by his scent, blushing in the process.

“Here.”

“Thank you.” I whispered, quickly making my way back to the cauldron to get to work. I took another look at the recipe before looking into the cauldron again. It seemed that the student didn’t stir enough after having added the quills, so they hadn’t dissolved properly and the concentration had been off. Adding some more and stirring again should get it back on track.

*****

I observed the girl closely while she was grinding and stirring, a more than excited look on her face. Before starting she had quickly braided her blonde curls which normally reached over her shoulders, obviously wanting to get them out of her way. And there was that look in her green eyes I had noticed last week already. A fire seemed to be dancing in them.

I had noticed that she was different than in class. I had gotten to know her as a talented but shy girl over the years, but since I had spent time with her not being surrounded by her classmates, I had seen a different side, especially when she was brewing or talking about potions. It seemed that something changed in her then. She seemed stronger, more confident. I wasn’t sure she noticed it herself but it was quite intriguing to watch.

I had wanted to test her. Ever since she had brewed the potion without having to take a look in her book last week. And after I had met her in Hogsmeade and heard of her attempt at Felix Felicis, I had to know just how good she really was. She had reminded me of myself, when she had entered the shop in Hogsmeade. Nose buried in a book, buying potion ingredients – it had been like looking at a younger version of myself – and at the same time not. Her smile radiated pure light, a light I hadn’t seen for a long time, that I myself didn’t posses.

I quietly observed her work and stepped a little closer when she stirred the last ingredient in, watching the color of the potion change. As it turned yellow and tiny rainbows emitted, she couldn’t hide her smile.

“I am done, Professor.”

“Would you mind telling me what you used the peppermint for?”

“Well I hope, it helps containing the side effects”, she answered, taking another look at her potion. “I remembered reading something about the effects of peppermint and thought it would be useful.”

I couldn’t hide my astonishment. She was surely something else. Without a word I went to the storage room and returned, a small box in my hand.

“Take as many as you need, Miss Brighton. Simply return it to me when you’re done.”

Confused she took the box and opened it, looking at several Occamy eggshells. I could see a glimmer in her eyes, as she clutched the box harder. “Thank you so much, Professor Snape!”

I gave her a short nod and turned around, no longer being able to look in the green eyes. “You may go.”

“Good night”, I still heard her say before she shut the door behind her. With a wave of my wand I locked it, sinking onto a chair and loosening my collar in the process. The yellow liquid in front of me was still emitting tiny rainbows. Another perfect potion. And those eyes.

I let out a tiny sigh. What was that feeling? Did I actually enjoy spending time with her? With a student? I couldn’t remember when I last enjoyed time with anyone. I preferred to be alone; even avoiding my colleagues as much as I could. The regular talk with Dumbledore once a month was enough human contact outside of class for me.

Was I just that impressed of her because her eyes reminded me of Lily’s? I had thought so at first but the more I experienced her skills, the more I spent time with her, the less I believed it. In fact, her eyes were the only thing she had in common with my first love. But why did I feel drawn to her then? No, it had to be the eyes, it simply had to.


	5. Chapter 5

Happily I stirred before adjusting the heat of the cauldron one last time. That was it. Now I had to wait and see if I had actually managed to brew liquid luck. It would take six long month for me to see the results, making it mid-may to actually be able to present the Potions Master my work. But I didn’t mind, still being happy that he was so impressed by my skills to give me the eggshells.

I took a look at my watch and cursed silently. It was almost curfew, I had to run to make it to the Slytherin common room.

I whispered a spell over the cauldron so the fire would not go out or spread before quickly picking up the box with Occamy eggshells. I had to return them to him after all. Maybe I could do it at detention tomorrow.

I rushed out basically running down the stairs to the dungeons. It was past curfew but with a little luck I could make it. I had just reached the corridor that led past the Potions Masters’ office to my common room, as the door to my left opened.

“Brighton!”

The deep voice echoed from the dark stone walls as I stopped in the middle of my tracks. Busted.

“What are you doing running in the middle of the night, especially after curfew?”

Slowly I turned towards my Head of House who had come closer, his dark eyes scolding me without saying another word, his lips forming a thin line.

“I am sorry, Sir, I didn’t notice it was that late already. I was caught up in my work. That reminds me”, I quickly shuffled through my bag and handed him the small box. “Here!”

“You’re done?”, he simply asked.

“Yes, um, kind of. It still needs its six month.”

He hadn’t taken the box from my hands yet. “You still shouldn’t be out after-hours. Let it be the only time, Miss Brighton, and there will be no punishment.”

Coming closer he took the box from me, slightly brushing his fingers against mine and I could feel a spark catching over to my hand. Flustered I pulled my hand back.

“N-night, Professor.”, I whispered before quickly walking down the corridor.

***

Confused I looked after her while she rushed down the hall before my gaze fell on the little box. I didn’t realize that she had tied a ribbon with a note around it, when she had handed it to me. Carefully I pulled at it and in the next moment the white ribbon had transformed into a flower. I recognized it right away, having used it in potions quite a lot. It was a white chrysanthemum. The little scroll that came with it contained just a few words: _“Thank you for giving me the chance to finish my potion!”_

Slowly I brought the flower to my face, taking its scent in. I had always liked it. It was earthy and herby, like freshly fallen rain in a garden. It reminded me of potion ingredients.

Realizing what exactly I was doing standing in the middle of the hallway, I teared it off my face again, staring at it in disbelief. Why did she gift me a flower? Was that just a thank you? And what was I doing? I should’ve given her detention, should’ve taken housepoints for being out past curfew. Why did I continue to treat her differently? It needed to stop right away. I had barely spent more time with this girl and had already allowed for myself to change my behaviour towards her, to go soft on her. I couldn’t keep this up anymore. She was just another student and her skills and smile didn’t change anything about that.

***

“Oh, wow, you look horrible.”

I shot Edward an angry look before staring back into my coffee while he sat down next to me at the table.

“Did you have nightmares again?”

I nodded silently, my head feeling like it would explode any second now. I hadn’t slept a lot last night and every time I had fallen asleep the nightmares had consumed me. Black snakes enveloping me in darkness, voices hissing words I couldn’t understand through the cold air. It was always the same dream and I still didn’t know what it meant.

“Maybe you should skip the first lesson and try to sleep some more?”, Alex suggested worryingly. She had been the one who had woken me during the night, after my screams had done the same to her. Luckily the other girls hadn’t noticed, I didn’t care for them to know.

“No, it’s fine. And I can’t miss class.”

Both my friends let out a small sigh, they knew my opinion on skipping classes and hadn’t expect me to actually agree to it.

Just a moment later the owls made their way into the Great Hall. I didn’t even look up, my parents rarely wrote me. They were mostly busy with work and not used to send mail by owl.

That’s why it surprised me even more, when a grey owl landed in front of me, a tiny scroll bound to her leg. Confused I opened the tiny ribbon holding it and read the thin handwriting.

_“For tonight’s detention, you will assist Mr. Filch in cleaning the Trophy Room. Report to him after dinner.”_

I read the lines a few times. It wasn’t signed but that wasn’t necessary anyway. I glanced up to the table at the head of the massive room, searching for the Potions Master. He was looking down at his breakfast, even so I had the feeling that he had just watched me. Had I done something wrong? Had the flower been too much? I had just wanted to thank him for believing in me. The chrysanthemum always reminded me of potions that’s why I thought it would be perfect for him. Was that the reason for the sudden change in my punishment? I had thought he would let me brew something again tonight, maybe correct some more potions.

I felt a deep sadness enveloping me while I stared at the note again. I had thought he had regretted giving me detention after I had promised to keep his secret. I thought he had seen that I was different that I could brew potions in the same artistic way he could. I thought he had been impressed and wanted to see more of my skills. I thought I was at least a little special to him, as he was to me, being my favorite professor.

‘Favorite professor? Who am I kidding’, I thought by myself.

I had seen it coming for quite a while but realized it for good yesterday. I had rushed into the common room after having been stopped by our Head of House, still flustered by the slight touch of his hand, when Alex had spotted me.

“Liz, there you are! Look what I got for my birthday!”, she had shouted and had waved a little pink bottle at me. “Love Potion! You have to smell it!”

And before I could’ve protested, she had opened the tiny flask, holding it to my face. I remembered the scent clearly. Old books, fresh parchment, chalk, the fume of potions and a slight note of musk.

Puzzled I had stared at the potion, before I had smelled it again. No, there was no doubt. I couldn’t deny it any longer. I had tried it for so long but the potion wasn’t lying. I was in love with my professor.


	6. Chapter 6

The week passed by in a blur, my mood being as dark as the clouds which brought the first snow to Hogwarts. I couldn’t seem to find any distraction, even my beloved library was no help. My mind was constantly occupied by the dark-haired professor and his obvious indifference concerning me. And then there were the nightmares. It seemed to get worse and I started to take sleeping draughts again. It had been a while since I had needed them.

After Runes Alex and I made our way to the dungeons, where Edward was already waiting for us in front of the Potions classroom. Just a few moments later, Professor Snape opened the door and let us enter the room. I didn’t even look at him. All week I had avoided him, walking the other direction, when I had seen him coming, taking a detour to not have to pass his office. I didn’t want to see him. It was one thing to know that a relationship with my professor wouldn’t be possible because it was inappropriate, another to know that he didn’t care one bit for me. It hurt me incredibly and I couldn’t bear to look at him, feeling like my heart would break in two if I did.

Upon entering, I took my regular spot and opened the book, silently staring at it, hoping this would be over soon.

*****

This was more than odd. I had noticed her strange behaviour all week. The blonde girl had been avoiding me. Normally she greeted me with a smile whenever she passed me in the hallways but this week had been different. She even had turned away, walking into the other direction whenever she had seen me coming. I had expected that my note would confuse her but I hadn’t foreseen a reaction that strong. It bothered me more than I’d like to admit. I rarely had students honestly smile at me and hadn’t noticed how much I appreciated hers until it had been gone.

Nevertheless I started the lesson, talking about different poison antidotes. When I asked a question, my gaze automatically fell on the blonde girl, her being normally the first to raise her hand. But today she didn’t. It seemed she didn’t even want to talk to me – but I’d make her.

“Brighton, can you tell me the main ingredient for most antidotes?”

I could see her wince at hearing her name but she still wouldn’t look up, keeping her eyes strictly on her book. “Mandrakes, Sir.”

“And can you name one of the antidotes needing it?”

“A Mandrake Restorative Draught, for example, Sir.”

Her answers were mechanical, not the slightest passion in them. I could see nothing of the strength she normally got by talking about potions. It bothered me.

I continued my lesson and requested a simple Pepperup Potion by my students, hoping that brewing would make Brighton warm up again. I couldn’t prevent myself of circling her table more than the others. I had promised myself after Monday night to not treat her any different than any other student, just to find myself breaking it a few days later. I didn’t want to think about it now though. I could treat her regularly again after finding out why she was behaving so strangely.

The blonde girl was staring absently at her potion, adding and stirring, cutting and grinding. But her normally sparkling green eyes didn’t lose the dull expression today, no matter how perfectly she prepared each step of her potion.

When the lesson came to an end and the students started packing their things, I stepped closer to her. “Brighton, a word.”

I could see her flinch but I knew she wouldn’t dare to reject. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to say, what I was hoping for by keeping her longer but letting her go felt wrong. I needed to know.

When we were alone, I took my seat at my desk, watching her carefully as she stepped closer to it. I observed her features silently, waiting for her to ask why she was kept here – but she didn’t. She just kept staring at her feet.

“Brighton, you should know that not looking at a person while answering a question is incredibly rude.”

“I am sorry, Sir.” She still didn’t look up.

“Same goes for apologies.”

I could see the conflict in her before she looked up. There was a deep sadness in her eyes when they met mine. It set a feeling off inside me I hadn’t felt in a long time. It was worry.

“May I go now?”

Still startled by my own feelings I nodded, watching her walk towards the door. When she reached it though, the words fell out of my mouth.

“Thank you for the chrysanthemum by the way. I liked it a lot.”

I could see how she stopped and spun around, staring at me in bewilderment. Internally I scolded myself for my words, what on earth had gotten into me? How could I be thanking a student for a present? I wanted to stop with her special treatment, not intensify it.

“You’re welcome, Professor.” Her words gave a halt to my inner monologue and I looked at her, seeing a small smile appear on her face, before she left the classroom. 

A warm almost forgotten feeling seemed to envelop me, caused by the light of her smile. I haven’t felt it since… Quickly I shook my head, trying to get it out of my head. With a few steps I was at the door, leaving the classroom, heading towards my office. As I entered I loudly shut and locked the door behind me. What did just happen? With a sigh I made my way to my desk, pulling out a bottle of fire whiskey and glass from the lowest drawer, filling it generously. I took a big sip, feeling the alcohol burn and my mind calm down a little.

With a fluid wave of my wand a secret drawer appeared on the right side of the desk, which I slowly opened. Gently I took the picture of Lily out of it and observed it longingly, while the woman on it laughed happily showing off her Prefect badge. I remembered the day clearly, having taken the shot in the clocktower courtyard. She had been so proud and I so in love. Our lives could’ve been so different, if I wouldn’t have been so stupid.

“Expecto Patronum”, I whispered with a broken voice, the white shining doe falling silently on my office floor, watching me. I didn’t move towards it, just looked at it absently. The last time I had had that warm feeling enveloping me was when I had been with Lily, before I had ruined our friendship. I hadn’t thought I would ever be capable of feeling it again. I thought that feeling, even the possibility of it, had died with her eight years ago. That it had turned into a faint memory, strong enough to conjure a Patronus, to let me do what I had to do to protect her son but nothing more.

My gaze fell on the white flower laying on my desk. I had meant to throw it away but seemed to have forgotten about it. Slowly I grabbed my wand, wanting to make it vanish. The only person who could give me that warmth was Lily. I must have imagined it at Brighton’s smile before. Probably because of her eyes. There simply was no other explanation.

I raised my wand thinking of a spell to destroy the flower, when I saw the doe appear next to me. It looked at me for awhile before slowly placing its head on the plant, protecting it from my not yet conjured spell. The shining animal gazed at me one last time before vanishing just a second later. Leaving me completely perplexed.


	7. Chapter 7

The chatter in the Great Hall on this Tuesday was especially annoying to me. I've been rereading the same line in my Alchemy book over and over again, without really grasping what it said. Every few seconds I looked up to the windows. I didn't even notice my best friends staring at me, wondering why I was behaving so strangely. 

“Are you awaiting a letter, Liz?” Alex's voice made me realize how obviously impatient I seemed.

“Yes... no. Maybe.”

My answer confused my friends even more but I couldn't concentrate on that right now. Since Friday my thoughts have been spiralling. My gaze quickly flickered over to the teachers, just to find the Potions Master chair empty again. He hadn't showed up to any of the meals since Potions on Friday. It wasn't odd if he would've missed a meal or two but all of them for days was rather unusual. Normally he liked to keep an eye on the students, especially our house to make sure we would behave.

Yesterday Potions class had been the weirdest one yet. The black-cloaked man had made us brew a potion of our choice, telling us he would grade them later. Usually he would've started circling the tables then, critizising every work but not this time. Professor Snape had resolved to sitting at his desk, pretending to be reading. I had observed him for a while and realized that he was just staring at the same page for the whole time, not turning it or moving his eyes. I wondered what had happened. I've never seen him in that state. When I had uttered my concerns to my friends, they had just shrugged and told me that they didn't really notice any change in his behaviour. To them he was just as cold and aloof as always. I didn't understand how they couldn't notice that something was off.

I shot another look at the windows. I was awaiting another letter from him, basically telling me that he didn't want to see me by assigning me to Mr. Filch or someone else. In that moment the owls flew in. A particular large owl made its way towards me and landed right next to my plate, extending its leg, a letter bound to it. That was odd. He wouldn't need a whole letter to tell me what was going on.

Astonished I took the letter off the bird which flew away right afterwards. I smiled in relief, when I recognized the handwriting, when I saw the stamps on the letter. It was from my parents. I had told them so many times to get an owl but they simply wouldn't and always brought the letter to the mail where it was probably sorted by a wizard to be able to reach me.

I took another look around, searching for another owl which was on its way to me, carrying bad news, but there was none.

With a little smile I unfolded it, reading the lines. Quickly my smile faded though and a sigh escaped my lips.

“Your parents aren't home this year for Christmas either, right?”, Edward asked while I simply nodded. My friends knew about my parents being busy all the time. They were wealthy and wouldalways spend their Christmas holidays somewhere else. This year was no different. Before I got accepted at Hogwarts they would take me but not anymore. My magical abilities had changed everything. Our relationship had been strained since my eleventh birthday. I had ruined the future they had planned for me. I was meant to be their heir, to take over their company one day but being a witch at Hogwarts were Muggle economics wasn't a subject that was out of question now.

“You know, you can come to my place. My parents love you, they'd be happy to have you!”

I smiled at Alex, thankful for the invitation. “Thank you, really, but I'll stay. Hogwarts is magical during Christmas and there are still a few books in the library I haven't read.”

 

Absently I stared at my essay about vanishing objects, explaining different stages of difficulty, while glancing at the clock every few minutes. Normally I liked Transfiguration but I simply couldn't concentrate today. Fifteen minutes before my detention I couldn't take it anymore and packed my things away. I would go to his office already, even so it would only take a few minutes to get there.

“Have fun with Snape!”

I rolled my eyes at Edward's comment, sticking my tongue out towards him before leaving the Slytherin common room. When I reached the Potions professor’s office, I was about to knock when I could hear voices on the inside.

“Severus, would you mind telling me, why you have barricaded yourself inside your office?”

I recognized the calming voice right away. Professor Dumbledore. That was odd. I had never seen him visiting any of the professor. Actually I had barely seen him outside of the Great Hall. Obviously I wasn't the only one worrying about the Potions professor. Staring at the wooden door, I felt torn. I knew I shouldn't eavesdrop but I was just too curious. Maybe I'd get an answer on his behaviour. 

“I don't know what you're talking about. I've been holding my lessons as usual. I just didn't feel like company, hence skipping the meals.”

“Severus, don't insult my intelligence. I can clearly see something is bothering you.” Dumbledore's voice was calm yet resolute. It instilled a great deal of respect in me. So far I've only heard warmth in it and had always doubted a little that he had really been the one who defeated Grindelwald. But I could hear it now. This was not a man you'd want to upset.

“And did it occur to you, before barging in here, that I simply want to be left alone? I may have pledged my life to you but my thoughts and feelings are still mine, Dumbledore. You do not have a right to those.”

Confused I looked at the black door. He had pledged his life to the Headmaster? But why?

“Very well, Severus. But I expect you to be at the meals again starting tomorrow.”

I could hear steps and felt my heart sink, thinking of running but before I could decide on a direction, the door opened.

*****

I was still staring angrily at the old man, when he made his way to the door. When he opened it, I could feel my heart skip a beat. I had forgotten about it. I had forgotten she had her last detention today.

“Miss Brighton, good evening.” 

Dumbledore looked into the face of the scared girl, her green eyes full of panic. She glanced in my direction before her eyes averted back to the Headmaster.

“I-I am sorry, Professor Dumbledore, I didn't want to disturb. I am just here for my detention.”

“Is that so?” The old man looked over to me and I had the feeling that his blue eyes were scanning me. He didn't need to use Legilimency, I was sure he could see with little effort how her presence affected me. “Well, Professor Snape and I were finished anyway. It seems I got what I came for.”

A smile appeared on his lips as he looked down on the girl in front of him, paying special attention to her green eyes and I knew I had lost for good.

“Good night, Severus. I'll see you at breakfast.” He placed a hand on the shoulders of the girl, gently pushing her into my office. “I hope he won't be too hard on you, Miss Brighton. We don't want _those_ eyes to fill with sadness.”

It sounded more like an order to me than a wish for her. The headmaster shot me one last look before shutting the door behind him, leaving me alone with the blonde girl.

She looked at me and I could feel the warmth I had felt on Friday crawling back into my body. I had feared this. I had feared to have to look at her again. It was the reason I had skipped every meal, every contact with the outside world. Why I had given her class a task that wouldn't require talking to her. The events of Friday had scared me more than I'd like to admit. And it was getting harder to tell myself that it was just because of her eyes that it affected me so strongly.

Quickly I turned away, tried to find my aloof posture again. No matter what she triggered in me, I couldn't let her see it. I was Severus Snape, I was the teacher all students feared the most, the dark Potions Master.

“If this is a bad time, we can reschedule my detention, Sir.”

I turned around again, trying to glare coldly at her, wanting to tell her that detention wasn't something that could be rescheduled at a student's will. But then I saw her eyes. She wasn't trying to get out of her punishment, wasn't trying to get away from me — she was worried. There seemed to be honest worry in her eyes. What was she worried about? Was she worried about me? Did she... did she care about me?

“No, Brighton, it's fine”, I quickly responded, trying to find the strength in my voice again. “It's your last one after all, we don't need to extend this anymore than necessary.”

“Of course, Professor", she answered and searched my desk with her eyes. “What do you want me to do today?”

“Just…”, I cleared my throat. “I am low on sleeping draughts, you will brew me some. Just get anything you’ll need from my storage and use the table over there.” I gestured to the small table at the fireplace. I didn’t want her to stand at my desk. I needed some space between us.

A small smile appeared on her face. “Of course, Sir.”

She put herself to work right away, rushing into the adjacent room, giving me a small moment to breathe, to become the cold Potions Master again.

When she came back, I had already taken a seat behind my desk, staring at a stack of essays in front of me that needed to be graded. I just needed to get through tonight and then I'd only see her in class. It would be over soon.

*****

I paid little attention to my potion today, rather observed the dark-haired man. He seemed so different to what I was used to from him. I didn’t think it was possible to even think it but he almost seemed insecure. It worried me greatly but I couldn't simply ask him what's wrong. To him I was just another student, just one of many Slytherins.

I was so absorbed by my thoughts and my observation of the wizard that I made a mistake while brewing and added more Flobberworm Mucus than necessary. In horror I stared at the potion that had started to emit black smoke, rummaging in its cauldron.

“What have you done?!”, fulminated the young man at the desk not a second later, coming over to the table I was working at.

“I-I am so sorry, Professor, I…”

I couldn't finish my sentence. The next moment the cauldron exploded with a loud bang, throwing the professor and me to the ground. Debris fell on both of us and covered the room in potion residue and dust. I could barely catch my breath when I felt the hand of the professor firmly grab my arm. Uh-oh. I was in serious trouble.

“Are you alright?!” His face appeared in front of mine, his black eyes asserting me. “Are you hurt?”

I couldn't bring a word over my lips, just shook my head, my heart violently beating against my chest. He was so close. Way too close.

“Are you sure?”

I nodded quickly trying to move, trying to bring more room between us. “I am so sorry, Professor, I didn't pay attention, I-ouch!” I had tried to get up and had shifted my weight onto my right hand and pain had shot through it. I took a look at my wrist and saw that a part of the cauldron was lying next to it. It must have hit me when it exploded, spraining the bones in the process.

“Show me”, the dark-haired man uttered and quickly got up, his hand stretched out, waiting for mine.

“No need, Sir, really, I am fine”, I said with a false smile and picked up myself. “It's nothing.”

“Brighton.”

Surprised I looked at him, his stern face told me that he wouldn't take a no for an answer. With a little sigh I placed mine into his. Gently he held and examined it, while I did the same to him. He seemed to be worried about me. What on earth was going on?

Meanwhile the black-cloaked man pulled out his wand and brought its tip to my wrist. With a slight wave he muttered a spell and I could feel the pain instantly disappear.

“Better?”

“Much better, thank you.”

I gave him a little smile, meeting his dark eyes again. He was still so close. Why did he have to be my professor? Why couldn't he be someone else?

When I realized that he was still holding my hand, I gently pulled away though. I didn't want to give myself any more hopes. “I am so sorry, Professor Snape. Your office..."

“Never mind.” He stepped away as well and with a flick of his wand, everything made its way back to its spot while the dirt and rubble just vanished. It looked as if nothing had happened.

“I think that's enough for today. Go back to your common room.”

“Of course, Professor”, I whispered and grabbed my bag. “Good night.”

“Good night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos and hits, I appreciate every one of them <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all the Kudos, I appreciate everyone of them <3

“Bye Liz, don’t have too much fun without us!”

“And don't study too much! If you get any smarter, it'll get creepy!”

I shook my head at my friends as they boarded the carriages that would bring them to the Hogwarts Express. It would take them back to London and I would see them in two weeks, after New Year's.

“You two enjoy the holidays!”

I waved one last time at them before turning around, entering the warmth of the castle again. I would miss the two of them, especially because I was the only Slytherin staying behind. I knew it would be a very lonely Christmas this year but I kept telling myself it was fine.

As I took the stairs back down to the dungeons, I passed by Professor Snape's office. It's been three weeks since I had accidentally destroyed his office. Three weeks in which I had barely talked to him. The occasional praise for my potion, some awarding of housepoints, that had been it. His behaviour towards me had gone back to normal, back to how it was before Halloween. He was just as cold and distant as ever. I just often had the feeling that I was being watched but whenever I looked at him, he seemed to be busy and not paying attention to me. Sometimes it felt that whatever had happened between us had just been a dream, an imagination, caused by my feelings for him.

I let out a tiny sigh and turned around again, climbed the stairs back up. I'd go to the library. There at least I would be lonely and surrounded by books. They would distract me a little.

When I reached the high room filled with shelves of books I felt a calm settling in me as if I had drunken a draught of peace. I dived between the shelves and closed my eyes for a moment, leaning against them and taking in the scent of the old writings. I just loved the smell of the old paper, of the dust in here, of the chalk and the potions... Wait.

Confused I opened my eyes and found myself looking at a with black fabric covered chest, only a few inches from me. Even more puzzled I looked up and into the pale, irritated face of Professor Snape. He was examining me carefully and blushing I took a step back.

“Excuse me, Sir, I didn't see you”, I whispered, not wanting to upset Madame Pince.

“Well that would've been hard with your eyes closed, Miss Brighton”, he answered sarcastically. “What are you even doing here? Shouldn't you be celebrating the start of the Christmas vacation?”

“I…”, I sighed a little. I didn't want to tell him that there was no one to celebrate with, that my only friends were gone. “I was just searching for some reading material. Since I have the common room to myself, I thought I could enjoy some books.”

He knew of course that I was the only Slytherin who had stayed behind. Each year my name was on the list of students who would stay at school during the holidays. This year just being the first one I was the only one of Slytherin House.

“Anything in particular you had in mind? I could maybe recommend a Potions book. Maybe one on the correct use of Flobberworm Mucus.”

Surprised I looked at him and could see the trace of a smile on his lips. My heart skipped a beat. It wasn't a sneer, wasn't a superior grin. It was an amused honest smile.

“Yes, that might be helpful in my case”, I chuckled, happiness filling me. I had never seen him genuinely smile. “But I doubt you'll find a Potions book I haven't read in the library.”

“You... you have read them all?”

“All that aren't in the restricted section. I only gained access to them this year so that will still take a while.”

My favorite professor didn't answer anymore. He was just staring at me in disbelief before clearing his throat. “Well, then I hope you'll find some interesting one's there.”

And with that he passed by me and left the library. I shook my head in disbelief. I didn't understand that man, doubted I ever would. One moment he was friendly and in the next cold and distant. As if he had a mask he sometimes accidentally dropped for a few seconds before realizing he shouldn't.

 

Christmas morning came and I woke up late from my slumber. My first glance fell on the clock on my nightstand. It was already 11 a.m., I had slept through breakfast. I looked onto my feet and saw a tiny pile of presents and smiled. I snatched one of them and opened it, regretted it the next moment though. Seriously Alex.

The box contained a tiny pink bottle that read Amortentia. She had put a note with it: _Just if you need some help! Love you, A!_

That girl. I loved her but she was seriously a little crazy. Nevertheless I took the tiny bottle out of its packaging and opened it. The smell that evaporated from it was almost the same I had smelled in the library yesterday, the same I had noted when I first had inhaled Amortentia. It just seemed to be even stronger than then.

Shaking my head I put it away and grabbed another box. It contained a dark blue satin dress with accompanying jewelry from my parents and a card which had probably been written by their secretary. They always sent me fancy clothes, having the illusion there would be cocktail parties at Hogwarts. I only ever used them when there was a ball and everybody was dressing up so I felt comfortable enough to wear them.

The next package was from Edward. It contained a beautiful new eagle quill and matching ink. _So you can take all your notes and keep being the smartest of us all. See you soon, Edward_ , he had written on the card.

Smiling I put the presents on my nightstand and was confused when I saw one more package at the end of the bed. It was wrapped in simple brown paper and not bigger than an unfolded parchment roll. I lifted it from the bed and slowly unwrapped it. Out fell a tiny black book and a note. Slowly I unrolled the latter.

_Hopefully this will be some welcome reading material for you._

There was no name but my heart seemed to know already from whom it was. Quickly I grabbed the black book that didn't have a title on its cover and browsed through the pages. It wasn't printed, it was handwritten and I recognized the writing right away. It was Professor Snape's. I read a few pages and realized, it was his notes on potion ingredients and their behaviour. Like a treasure I clutched the book harder. He had given me a Christmas present. And what a perfect one.

And then it hit me. I hadn't anything for him. Panicked I jumped out of bed and towards my large suitcase. I had to have something I could give him in return. I searched through the giant luggage until I found a bag from Gladrags Wizardwear. It contained an emerald green scarf I had bought a week ago but had not worn yet. It had reminded me of our House emblem. It would be perfect for the Head of House Slytherin.

Smiling I took it out of the bag, the cashmere running through my fingers like liquid. I hope he'd like it. Quickly I pulled out my wand, muttering a few spells which packed the scarf in black wrapping paper, tying a green bow around it. Now I only had to give it to him. But when? I didn't want to do it in front of the other teachers and the handful students that had stayed behind. Should I go to his office? Considering the last times I have been there I wasn't too intrigued by the idea. Somehow something always went wrong when I went there.

Before I could decide on a perfect spot and time I could hand him my gift, I heard a sound from the common room. How was that possible? I was supposed to be the only one in here.

I grabbed my wand tighter — a few sparks emitted from its tip — the Potions Masters present still in hand while I made my way to the door leading to the shared student space.

Silently I entered and was surprised when I recognized the person standing there.

“Professor Snape?”

“There you are, Miss Brighton. You missed breakfast and… _Professor Dumbledore_ was worried and suggested to check on you, since you’re all alone down here. And he thought you’d be hungry…”, he gestured towards the table in front of the leather couch. I could see a plate with croissants and a pot.

“Oh… that is very thoughtful, I need to thank him later.”

“I will tell him”, he answered a little too quickly and I couldn’t help but smile.

“Seems like you were just unwrapping your presents.”

Confused how he would know, I looked to my hands and realized I was still holding his gift. “Um... actually this one is for you, Sir.” I made my way to him, handing the wrapped piece of clothing to him.

“For me?”

“I-it's nothing special... your gift was so thoughtful... I didn't know what…" I started mumbling incoherent things, while the black-cloaked man unwrapped the scarf.

 

*****

 

Carefully I opened the present. I hadn’t expected anything in return when I had sent her the gift. I just thought she would enjoy it since she seemed to love potions as much as I did.

I looked at the green scarf I was holding and I couldn’t prevent the small smile being brought to my lips. “Thank you, Miss Brighton.”

She beamed at me and I could feel the warm feeling, I had almost gotten used to, spread through me again. I had thought everything would return to normal, when I wouldn’t be alone with her anymore. I had treated her like any other student and still she had occupied my thoughts almost constantly. I had found myself looking forward to the lessons with her, had caught myself observing her during the meals. I still tried to convince myself that she was only reminding me of Lily but it was getting harder each time I met her. It was clearly her presence, I enjoyed, not a faint memory of my first love. I didn’t know how that had happened, how a student had become important to me but I couldn’t deny it any longer.

My gaze wandered down her and that moment I actually saw what she was wearing. She was still in her pyjamas, the jet-black fabric barely covering her porcelain skin compared to what she regularly wore. Quickly I averted my eyes, stared at the dark ceiling and could feel a light blush covering my cheeks. “…you should probably get dressed, Brighton.”

 

*****

 

I didn't realize at first what he meant, until I looked down at myself. That could not be happening. I was still standing in my pjs in front of my professor and they were more revealing than I'd like them to be. I could feel how my face turned into a red glowing tomato.

Without a word I rushed back into the dormitory and grabbed my dressing robe, before I went back to the common room. Professor Snape, though, was gone again. The breakfast he had brought still standing there. A tiny sigh escaped my lips before I sat down on the couch, grabbing one of the croissants. It took me a little to grasp that there were only things on the table I enjoyed. Steaming hot coffee instead of tea, the croissants, my favorite jam and fresh strawberries. It seemed ‘Professor Dumbledore’ knew exactly what I liked for breakfast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the chapter! Let me know what you think in the comments!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all the comments and kudos! Makes my day to know you're all enjoying the story! <3  
> Long chapter ahead, enjoy!

When I reached the Great Hall for Christmas Dinner, the four long tables had been pushed to the sides, a single table set for ten people in the middle of the large room. Professor Dumbledore, wearing one of his impressive dark blue robes sprinkled with stars, was sitting in the middle, Professor McGonagall and Flitwick to his right and Hagrid and a young Gryffindor girl to his left. Across from her sat a boy from my year, Oliver Scott. He was a Gryffindor too and captain of the Quidditch team and in my opinion incredibly full of himself, like most of his house were.

On the other side of the table, across from the charms professor, sat two Ravenclaw boys, followed by my favorite professor, who was facing the Headmaster. Between him and Oliver was the only vacant seat.

Shyly I made my way to the table, tugging at my long-sleeved black dress. “Good evening, I am sorry for being late.”

“Good evening, Miss Brighton”, the Headmaster answered, a warm smile on his lips. “You are not late at all. Please take a seat. I thought this would be nicer since we are so little this year.”

With a small nod, I took the last empty seat at the table and shot a look at my Head of House who seemed to have an eager discussion with Professor McGonagall about some new article in Transfiguration Today. He didn’t even take notice of me. 

A little disappointed I turned to the golden plate in front of me and noticed that Professor Dumbledore was observing me closely. I always had the feeling that his beaming blue eyes had the ability to read minds. I felt a light blush on my face. Had he noticed how I had watched the dark-haired Potions Master? Could he possibly know what I felt for him?

Before I could start to panic though, the plates in front of us filled and everybody started eating.

*****

I tried my best to ignore the blonde girl next to me. It was way too dangerous to pay more attention to her than to any other student, surrounded by my colleagues and above all the headmaster. He hadn’t spoken to me about her since she had interrupted our fight a month ago but I knew that he had noticed something.

“You cleaned up pretty nicely, Brighton. Who would have thought the Slytherin nerd had that in her.”

I suppressed an annoyed growl when I heard that voice. How dared that Scott boy talk to her that way? I knew what an incredible big-head that Gryffindor was and had already felt sorry for the blonde girl to have to sit next to him.

“Well, I can’t say the same for you.”

“The geek is able to talk back, that is new! I thought you were way too shy to be able to do that.”

I shot a glance at the two, my lips pressed tightly against each other. I shouldn’t interfere, no matter how much I wanted to.

“Just because I don’t speak when it’s not necessary like certain Gryffindor Quidditch blokes, doesn’t make me shy, Scott.”

I sneered while I reached for my wine glass. Good girl.

“Touché Brighton. But seriously, how come you are a Slytherin? With your grades you should’ve been in Ravenclaw.” The boy ruffled his brown hair and for a moment he reminded me incredibly of the man I hated more than anyone. “How do you even do it? You seem to know the answer to every question the professors have.”

The blonde girl rolled her eyes at him and her voice dripped of sarcasm as she answered him. “It’s called studying, you know. There is this room in the castle that is full of these _weird_ things called books. Maybe you should open one from time to time.”

“Well maybe you can take me there once and show me your favorite ones.”

I grabbed my wine glass harder. He was flirting with her. That idiot of a boy dared to flirt with the smartest girl of their year. She was way out of his league, how could he even think to have a chance. She would reject him, she just had to.  
On the other hand I was wondering why it bothered me. She was a student of mine. Fine, I hadreluctantly admitted to myself that she was my favorite student, her Potions skills being incredible. I enjoyed her company and worried about her – breakfast this morning being the perfect example – but that was it, nothing more.

“I’d rather not. If people saw us together they’d start thinking I actually like you. I really can’t have that. It would ruin my reputation as a _geek._ ”

I could’t help but grin at her answer, it made me happier than I’d like to admit that she saw through this fool. I looked up and realized that Dumbledore was staring at me, probably had observed every single one of my reactions during their talk. That was not good.

Christmas dinner ended quicker than I’d like it to. I knew what was coming, knew that he would want to talk to me, so I took my time, waited, until everyone had left the Great Hall and just the headmaster and I remained.

“Well, Severus, I can’t remember when I last saw you smile.”

I snorted quietly but remained silent.

“You seem to care a great deal about Miss Brighton.”

“She’s a student of mine, no more, no less, Headmaster.”

“You may fool yourself, Severus, but not me. I have noticed that you’ve been different for a while now, especially around her. I’ve not seen you display any feelings for a long time”, he smiled softly. “I am glad you care about her. I was a little concerned, to be honest, that she would get hurt.”

“Why?”

“Now, now, Severus. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed”, Dumbledore said and upon remarking my confused look he continued, “Miss Brighton thinks very highly of you. I’d even dare to say, she seems to be very fond of you.”

Surprised I looked at him. Of course I had noticed that she seemed to care about me but I didn’t think it was more than a student admiring her favorite professor, her mentor. I never would have contemplated that there were deeper feelings than that.

“Well Severus, I will retire. Good night.”

And with that the headmaster made his way out of the Great Hall. Slowly I followed him, my thoughts still occupied by what he said. Did she really… care about me in that way? Did I mean as much to her as the headmaster suspected? Brooding over the girl, I made my way to the dungeons, past the Potions classroom and towards my office. I was about to enter, when I heard a voice. A very familiar voice.

“Ri-riddikulus!”

It was coming from further down the hall. Quickly I walked on, almost ran when I heard her desperate tone again.

“No, please, leave me alone!”

When I reached the end of the corridor, I saw the blonde girl sitting on the floor, tears streaming down her face. With trembling hands she held her wand up, pointed at the open door of a broom closet in front of her. Out of it black, thick snakes crawled towards her, whispering words in parseltongue.

“Riddikulus!”

It was no use. The boggart transformed again and showed a man and a woman in expensive muggle clothing. Their faces were cold, their eyes heartless, while they stared down at the picture of misery.

“You’re a disgrace to our family.”

“We should’ve never adopted you.”

The blonde girl dropped her wand and cried even harder, shaking violently. I rushed to close the distance between us, shielding her from the boggart who upon seeing me started to transform again but I was quicker.

“Riddikulus!”

Before it could take its shape, the spell hit it, turning it into a cloud of dust. The blonde girl behind me was still sobbing as I turned around, her hands covering her face.

Carefully I kneeled down next to her. “It’s gone…”, I whispered. I didn’t know what to say or do. I had never really comforted anyone before.

She didn’t react, I wasn’t even sure, she had heard me. Gently I placed a hand on her arm which made her wince in fear. “No! Please leave me alone!”

“It’s okay, Elizabeth.” I slowly removed her hands from her face, hoping her first name would help. “The boggart is gone.”

Her eyes were filled with so much pain and fear that I could feel it myself. It hurt me to see her this way and before I could even think about it, I had pulled her closer, right into my arms. Gently I pressed her against my chest, hoping it would calm her down, ignoring the heat the touch invoked in me. 

*****

Stunned I forgot to breathe for a moment, forgot my fear and my pain. He was hugging me. Severus Snape was hugging me. I could feel his heartbeat against his strong chest and it was incredibly calming. His scent made me lean a little closer into him and I felt the fear slowly vanish, the pictures of my parents and the snakes disappear. He made me feel so safe.

When he noticed that my breathing had calmed down, I could feel him slowly retreating, still holding onto my hands though. “Are you alright?”

I smiled weakly. “Yes, thank you Sev-… Professor Snape.”

“It’s Severus, Elizabeth.”

Astonished I looked at him and there was something in his eyes I could not explain. Something I had never seen before. It made my heart beat even faster.

The dark-cloaked man removed himself from the floor and pulled me up with him. My legs were still shaking strongly. “Can you walk?”

“I think so.” I took an unstable step forward, one hand still holding onto the arm of my professor who wasn’t convinced.

“I’ll take you to the common room.”

He let me hold onto him as we walked down the corridor. I didn’t know what to say. Everything that had just happened was surreal to the point that I was expecting to wake up from a dream.

As we reached the wall that lead to the common room, he whispered the password which opened the passage to the barely lit space. Carefully he helped me to the couch in front of the fireplace, letting me take a seat and letting go of my arm. For a moment he stood there, an awkward silence between us, neither of us quite sure what to say.

“Thank you… Severus. For everything.” His name felt a little uncommon on my tongue and still I couldn’t help to use it, feeling closer to him through it. He looked at me and his face didn’t give away what he was thinking. Again I had the feeling he had put on a mask, prohibiting himself from showing any emotions.

“Obviously I did not deserve the Outstanding in Defense against the Dark Arts last year. Not even being able to deal with a boggart”, I said, trying to fill the silence with words. A soft laugh escaped my lips and it made me feel every bone in my body, hurt every muscle that had been shaking violently with fear before.

The dark-haired man noticed right away that I was in pain. “I’ll be right back.”

He rushed out of the common room, leaving me alone. Confused I watched him leave before I pulled my legs onto the furniture, wrapped my arms around them and took a deep breath. The words of my parents hadn’t left me unharmed, the black snakes had left their traces, but the worst form had been the first. The Potions Master had been the one I had seen first when I had opened the door to the broom closet.

_“You’re nothing to me. Just a foolish little girl. Ordinary, average… who could ever love you?”_

I felt a tear traveling down my cheek. I was glad the real professor hadn’t seen this version of the boggart but I couldn’t help the pain return to my chest. It could easily be true what the boggart had said. Every time I thought I knew that Severus cared for me, he put his cold, distant mask back on, destroying my hopes of being special to him once more. I wasn’t sure what to think anymore.

When I heard him coming back into the room, I quickly wiped my tears. I didn’t want him to see them. The young man came over to the couch again, a potion in his hand.

“Drink.”

“What is it?”

“An invention of mine. It’s a strong sleeping draught with components of a pain reliever. It should put your mind at ease.” He uncorked the bottle and handed it to me. “I myself have taken it a few times, it’s safe.”

“I would never doubt a potion you brewed”, I said a faint smile on my lips as I took the bottle and drank all of it at once. Instantly I felt an inner peace spreading through my body, felt the pain go away and my eyelids getting heavier. Disoriented I tried to put the bottle on the tiny coffee table and felt Severus’ hand grabbing mine, gently removing the flask from it, guiding me to fully lay down on the couch.

“Severus…” I grabbed his hand tighter, sleep slowly enveloping me. “Please stay…”

I looked up to his face and could still see his lips move, tried to make out his words when the potion took its full effect and I fell into a deep and dreamless slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the fluff ;) reactions appreciated <3


	10. Chapter 10

When I awoke the next morning, I found myself still on the couch of the common room, a blanket thrown over me. Confused I sat up and felt the memory come back to me. With a sigh I wrapped my arms around me. I could still feel the embrace of the dark-haired man, could still hear his heart beating. Never would I have thought that I would get that close to him, that he would allow for me to call him by his first name.

With a small sigh I turned around and could barely suppress a gasp. I wasn’t alone in the room. There, on one of the armchairs, sat the dark-haired man. His head supported by his hand, deeply asleep.

A smile appeared on my lips as I watched him and couldn’t help but wonder that he actually had stayed. I remembered me asking him for it. I had been vulnerable and didn’t want to be alone – but never would I have guessed that he would actually stay.

Carefully I studied his features. Never had I seen the dark-haired man so relaxed, so calm. His aloof mask replaced by ease. I had often wondered what had made him the way he was, always cold, always distant. I barely knew something about his personal life. Everything I had found out had been in the last two months. And it was basically just two things: there was this red-haired woman in his life of whom I had seen the picture on Halloween that made him cry and the fact that he had pledged his life to Professor Dumbledore. I wished I could just ask him. I wanted to help him, wanted him to be happy, see that smile I had gotten to experience more often on his face. But I knew it would never happen. He would probably forever remain a mystery to me.

“I see you’re finally awake.”

His voice ripped me out of my daydream. A slight blush on my cheeks I looked at him. “I am so sorry you had to stay with me. I should’ve not asked you to.”

“I had to make sure you were alright anyway. I am your Head of House after all.”

I nodded absently. Of course. He had a responsibility to take care of me that was why he had stayed, nothing more.

“Thank you anyway, Professor.”

“Severus.”

He looked at me intensely. “Whenever we’re alone, it can be Severus. That is, if you want it to be.”

“Just if you’re comfortable with Elizabeth, Severus.”

He nodded contently and rose from his chair. “If you’re feeling alright, I’ll leave you then. If youshould require anything else, I’ll be in my office… Elizabeth.”

And before I could answer the dark-haired man had left the common room, leaving me alone again. 

 

For the next few days I didn’t see the Potions Master apart from during the meals. He seemed to avoid me, always trying to sit at the other end of the tiny table the Headmaster had left up so the residents of Hogwarts that had stayed could sit together. I could understand him, the sudden intimacy we had shared, him seeing my deepest fears, had been a lot to take in for me as well and still it mad me feel lonely. My friends wouldn’t return until after New Year’s and talking to my professor had been like having a friend around.

More and more I resorted to staying in the Slytherin common room. I had read the book I had gotten as a present from the dark-haired man a lot, taking in every word about his researches. I had always known that he was incredible when it came to Potions but I couldn’t even have guessed how brilliant he really was.

It was New Year’s Eve when he decided to talk to me again. I was just making my way out of the Great Hall after dinner, when I heard my name being called.

“Hey Brighton, wait!”

I turned around and looked into the brown eyes of the Gryffindor Quidditch Captain, a small smile on his lips. “Do you have any plans for tonight?”

Confused I looked at him, while he was ruffling his hair. “Um… why do you ask?”

I had plans actually. I wanted to spent the evening in the Room of Requirement, checking on my Felix Felicis, maybe brewing something else, before sneaking up to the Astronomy tower. I loved New Year’s Eve and even though there were no fireworks at Hogwarts, I always sneaked up to the highest tower, hoping I would see some far away illuminations.

“Well, I thought, you know… you could show me some of the books, you talked about.”

I could feel a blush creeping onto my face. Did Oliver Scott seriously ask me to spend time with him? “Um… I kind of had plans…”

“Oh come on, I’d really like to get to know you better. We could sneak into the kitchens, get some Butterbeer and just hang out, celebrate New Year’s.”

“5 points from Gryffindor for wanting to sneak out, Scott”, the dark voice of Severus interrupted our talk. “And you heard Miss Brighton, she is busy and can’t join your _enlightening_ company.”

I bit my lips to not let out a chuckle while the Gryffindor captain looked angrily at the Potions Professor, but kept silent. He knew very well not to fight with the Head of House Slytherin.

“Miss Brighton, I need to speak with you.”

“Um… of course, Sir.”

I followed Severus through the Entrance Hall, leaving the irritated Oliver standing there. When we reached the dungeons, out of earshot of everyone else, I dared to speak again.

“Thank you, Severus.” I had missed his name on my lips.

The black-cloaked man slowed down a little, letting me catch up to him. “Did you actually have plans?”

“Yes, I wanted to check on my Felix Felicis, maybe brew some more and then climb up to the Astronomy tower around midnight. Maybe I’ll catch a glimpse of some fireworks.”

I was so happy to talk to him again that I forgot who he actually was. I had just told a teacher that I was planning to sneak out past curfew. I was such an idiot.

Severus came to a halt in front of his office. He had raised his eyebrows at my words. “Elizabeth, I can’t let you sneak out.”

I felt my heart sink at his words. The idea of spending New Year’s Eve alone in the dark common room sounded horrible.

*****

I looked down at Elizabeth noticing how her mood changed instantly. I had avoided her again. The encounter at Christmas had been too much for me, she had gotten too close to me, way too close. I didn’t even know why I had stayed, when she had asked me to but the “Of course” had escaped my lips quicker than I had wanted to. I had watched her sleep thinking about how she had been able to influence me that much, to make me care that much. When I had seen her cry, had seen her so vulnerable, it was as my body had reacted on its own. I didn’t understand it and it scared me but at the same time I couldn’t resist her charm any longer.I wasn’t quite sure why I had offered her my first name but when she had called me professor again, the next morning, it had felt so wrong after having been that close to her the night before.

“I know…” Her words interrupted my stream of thought. “I’ll go back to my common room then. Good night.”

And before I could say another word, the blond girl had walked past me. Confused I watched her and sighed silently.

“Elizabeth, wait.”

I caught up to her again. “If you really wanted to brew something, you may use my office and private storage.”

Her eyes widened at my words. “That is very generous but I wouldn’t want you to have to spend your New Year’s Eve with me.”

“I don’t mind”, I answered. “That is, as long as you don’t blow us up again.”

She let out a tiny chuckle. “Promised.”

“Well then.”

I opened the door to my office, letting her pass through it. I couldn’t help looking forward to brew some potion with her. I had never met anyone who loved the art as much as I did, who had the same passion and talent for it.

“Is there anything in particular you wanted to brew?”

“Actually, yes”, she answered. “There is this memory potion I had brewed quite a few times but it was never strong enough. After having read your researches on Fluxweed though, I think I can make it stronger.”

I furrowed my brow. “A memory potion? Why would you need that?”

I saw how her body tensed, how she fought with herself before she let out a tiny sigh. “Do you remember the black snakes?”

I nodded, she didn’t have to explain further. I remembered the dark reptiles crawling towards her vividly.

“I’ve had nightmares, ever since I can remember. It’s always been the same one, always been the black snakes attacking me, pulling me into the darkness, whispering… I don’t know where those dreams came from, nobody was able to tell me. I was adopted when I was five, shortly after they had found me on the streets and had put me in the orphanage. I still don’t remember how I got there or what happened before that. The first thing I remember is my adoption.” She took a deep breath, talking about it seemed to hurt her. “I just want to know… I _need_ to know what was before that, where the dreams came from. They’re too distinct to not have a cause.”

Her eyes easily gave away how much it occupied her thoughts, how desperate she was to find out. I knew of course that she had been adopted, the talk of the ‘muggle-raised’ Slytherin had reached me too but I hadn’t heard the circumstances yet.

“I think you are right, they are too peculiar to just be nightmares. I suspect magic behind them, the same goes for your memory loss.” I quickly walked over to the table in front of the fireplace where I usually brewed and with a wave of my wand a cauldron appeared. “Get everything from the storage, I’ll prepare.”

She did as she was told. It wasn’t long until the fire under the cauldron was lit and ingredients were being cut. I normally preferred to brew my potions alone, didn’t like amateurs tampering with my work, but it was different with her. She knew exactly what she was doing, had a feeling for it, a talent.

“I think it’s ready…”

“…for the Fluxweed, yes”, she finished my sentence and added it to the liquid which turned light blue. It was done.

Elizabeth took the ladle and scooped some of it out, bringing it to her lips. She had agreed before that it was best to try it here, in my office, were I could help her if somehow the mixture would be poisonous.

Quickly she drank up and placed the utensil back on the table. I watched her carefully, waiting for a sign – but nothing happened. She let out a disappointed sigh before she turned to me, a sad smile on her face.

“Thank you anyway, Severus. It was worth a shot.”

“I am sorry, Elizabeth.” The apology sounded odd on my tongue – I couldn’t remember ever apologizing to a student – but I meant it. I really had wanted to help her.

“It’s fine, really. I didn’t have high hopes.” Her voice gave away that she was lying. “Nevertheless I enjoyed being able to brew with you.”

I wanted to tell her the same but felt how my tongue tied at the words. I wasn’t used to phrasing my emotions and telling her, admitting out loud, that I enjoyed the time with her was too much.

“Good night then.”

“Good night, Elizabeth.”

She made her way to the door, as the clock struck midnight, it’s sound echoing through my office. The blonde girl stopped in her tracks and turned around again, facing me, a shy smile on her lips and the warmth in her green eyes.

“Happy New Year, Severus”, she whispered and wanted to leave when I stopped her again.

“Wait.”

Confused she looked at me while I reached for my wand. Her first memory of the new year shouldn’t be the failed attempt to restore an old one. With a slight wave the fires in the room were dimmed before I muttered another spell. Colourful lights emerged from the tip of my wand, roaming through my office, exploding like little fireworks. I payed little attention to it, just carefully studied the amazed green orbs of the blonde girl. The astonishment quickly turned into pure happiness and I could feel how it invoked the warmth in me again. The light she was radiating with her smile seemed to fill the dark dungeon, outshining the conjured illuminations with ease. I didn’t understand how she was capable of doing it and it fascinated me incredibly.

When the sparkling came to an end and we were enveloped by the darkness of the dungeon again, she simply smiled at me, her eyes full of gratitude.

“Thank you, I couldn’t have wished for more”, she muttered before she turned around and left my office for good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your feedback! Let me know how you enjoyed this chapter :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your feedback, it always fuels me to write more when I know you appreciate the story <3 
> 
> Caution though for this chapter: Drama ahead! ;)

“You are kidding, Oliver Scott asked you out?!”

“Alex, not that loud!”, I whispered, checking if somebody had heard us, but no one was near our table in the library.

“Seriously, I’ve been back since yesterday night, how can you only tell me now?”

“Well you only just asked now if something exciting has happened while you’ve been gone, haven’t you?”

“Yeah because I thought you’ve been living in the library while we’ve been gone!”

I rolled my eyes at her even though she was right. I had spent a great deal of my time in the library but nevertheless my holidays had been the most exciting one’s yet. Even though the real reason hadn’t been the Gryffindor Quidditch Captain but the Potions Master.

“So what did you say?”

“What do you mean?”

“To Scott! Did you spend New Year’s with him?”

“Oh… no. Professor Snape overheard him talking about sneaking out and punished him.”

“That sucks, I am sorry”, she mumbled while Madam Pince passed by, ready to scold anyone who was too loud. “So you had to spend New Year’s all alone?”

“Um… yeah.”

I didn’t want to lie to her but telling her about what had happened between Severus and me during the holidays felt wrong. It felt like a secret and I didn’t want to betray the trust he had put in me. It was too special.

“There are my favorite girls”, Edward’s voice interrupted us as he joined us. He flung his bag on the table as he sat down, throwing Severus’ notebook down.

“Hey! Can you please watch were you throw your stuff?”, I hissed at him and picked up the book again. “That was a present.”

“From Oliver?”, Alex teased and Edward looked confused from her to me and back.

“Oliver who?”

“Oliver Scott. Gryffindor. Quidditch Captain. And wooer of Liz.”

“No way!”

I rolled my eyes again at those two. I loved them but the fuzz they were making was just ridiculous. “No, it isn’t from him. And I’ll see you two at dinner.”

I didn’t wait for an answer and left the library. Today has been the first school day after the holidays and the castle was filled with students again. I was a little sad about it, to be honest. I had missed my friends and loved having them back but at the same time I knew it meant that my time with Severus had come to an end. I would only see him for the lessons and meals again, surrounded by my classmates, no chance for getting to know him better, to spend more time with him.

A small sigh escaped my lips as I made my way to the Great Hall. When I arrived at the Entrance Hall, the huge doors opened and the dark-haired man who had just occupied my thoughts entered from the grounds. I smiled at him and could feel my heart skip a beat when I realised that he was wearing the emerald scarf I had gifted him for Christmas.

“Professor”, I greeted him with a smile and nodded, noticing how the snowflakes were clinging to his jet-black hair, how his pale skin was turning slightly pink from the sudden warmth of the castle. It suited him.

“Miss Brighton”, he simply answered and made his way past me to the Dungeons.

I sighed again. I had known it would be like that and it still upset me. It had been only a few days since New Year’s and I already missed him. Sadly I wanted to enter the Great Hall, when I heard my name again.

“Hey, Brighton!”

I didn’t need to turn around to know who it was. The Gryffindor Quidditch Captain was running towards me, his broom shouldered. He was wearing his uniform which was covered in snow, obviously he had been training.

“What do you want, Scott?”

“Trying to ask you out again, actually.”

I felt how I blushed. “What?”

“Well last time didn’t work because of Snapey, so I thought, let’s try again! The next Hogsmeade weekend is on Valentine’s Day. Care to go with me?”

I didn’t. I really really really didn’t. I couldn’t even say how much I didn’t want to. I was just about to answer, when I felt an arm wrap around my shoulders.

“She’d love to!”, Alex answered for me, hugging me tightly from behind.

“Really?”

Out of words I looked at the boy in front of me while I felt a slight punch at my back. “S-sure.”

“Great!”

And with that the brown-haired boy walked up the stairs, leaving my best friend and me alone again.

“Have you gone mad?!”

“No, just helping you a little. You can’t let an opportunity like that go to waste!”

“But I don’t even know anything about him!” I lowered my voice. “I don’t even like him!”

“Potato, potato. It’s a date! You’ll get to know him – and maybe more!”

“Well, that just killed my appetite”, I said, feeling a cold shiver running down my spine “Please, next time, don’t help, okay?”

I turned around, staring at my feet while I made my way to the dungeons. I seriously had a date with Oliver Scott, the guy who probably didn’t know from which end to open a book. I maid my way down the stairs, just wanting to escape when I ran against someone.

“Seriously can you-?”

I stopped mid-sentence when I saw who it was. Severus. But something seemed different. He was staring down at me, his black eyes cold and distant. He hadn’t looked at me that way in a long time. Was he alright?

“I am sorry, Sev-“

“5 points from Slytherin, Brighton”, he hissed at me. “For not being able to look where you are walking.”

“What?! But I-”  
“And in your stead I would keep my mouth shut, if you don’t want to lose more points.”

I looked at him in disbelief and felt tears filling my eyes. What did I do? Why was he like that? Why did he have to hurt me so?

Without another word I rushed past him, down the stairs, tears streaming down my face. I didn’t understand. We had been so close, what happened?

*****

Sighing I placed a hand over my eyes, leaning against the cold stone wall. What did I just do? Why did I snap at her?

I looked down at me, down at the scarf I was wearing and grabbed the fabric. I had been delighted to see her as I had entered, delighted to see her smile after it had been so cold outside. It had been just a small moment and still I had enjoyed it. I had wanted to make my way down to my office, when I had heard him call her name. It was as my feet didn’t move on anymore, I had to listen, had to hear her reject him one more time. But she hadn’t. She had accepted the date. Why? I thought she saw through him, I thought she was different. That she wasn’t impressed by big sports egos. I hadn’t been able to control my emotions, when she had come down the stairs. Had talked before I had thought. But why did it bother me so much anyway? Was I… jealous?

‘No’, I thought to myself. No. I was just upset because of Lily. She had fallen for Potter, for a similar big-head. She had just reminded me of her, reminded me of my old jealousy.

But the harder I tried to concentrate on that fact, the more I saw her tear-filled eyes. I had hurt her, the pain in them had been obvious. It felt like my words had destroyed whatever had developed between us.

‘It doesn’t matter that I destroyed it, I don’t care about it, don’t care about _her_ anyway. She just reminded me of Lily after all, nothing more’, I told myself making my way down the stairs to my office while my hand held on tighter to the soft, green fabric, not being able to let go.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer chapter ahead! Enjoy! x

The weeks of January passed quickly at Hogwarts and everything seemed normal. Just the behaviour of the Slytherin girl who occupied my thoughts was odd. She didn't smile at me anymore during Potions class, didn't raise her hand to answer except for when I called her. Shelooked at me but her eyes were dull and distant, no matter what she was talking about. There was nothing of the warmth that I was used to. Even when she was brewing there was no sparkle in her eyes again. And I noticed that she had started to have dark circles under her green orbs, it seemed like she wasn't getting enough sleep. Did her nightmares keep her up at night? Or was it because of my behaviour? Whatever it was, it worried me.

I had met her in the hallways quite a few times but she didn't even look at me when I passed her. I had tried to tell myself that it was because she was surrounded by her friends – to my discontent sometimes even by the Gryffindor Quidditch Captain. But then, one day, I had seen her alone. She had the notebook I had gifted her in her hands and I was glad for the opportunity it presented me. I really wanted to talk to her again, somehow make up for what I had said to her, but before I could reach her she noticed me as well and turned on her heels, walked away. I had wanted to follow her but stopped in my tracks. Fine. If she didn't want to talk to me anymore I didn't want to either. We had spend time together, I had enjoyed it, now it was over. End of story.

It was the first day of February when my resolve was cracking. I entered the Potions classroom after the students had taken their seats when I noticed that she was missing. She had never been late, not once in the six years I've been teaching her. Where was she?

Nevertheless I started the class, waiting for the door to open. If she was that late I could keep her after class, talk to her again. I missed our conversations.

But she didn't come. Where was she? Was she alright? Did she not even want to see me anymore now, had she dropped Potions? I needed to know. When the lesson ended and everybody packed to leave I stepped over to the table her friends were sitting at.

“Roberts, Harris, a word.”

Perplexed the boy and girl looked at me before exchanging a look but stayed until everybody else had left.

“Can you tell me where Brighton is? She didn't excuse herself for my class.”

I tried to sound annoyed about it, tried to conceal the worry in my voice. They should think I was angry about a student missing class.

“Oh, um... she is in the hospital wing, Sir”, the brown-haired girl answered and I could feel my heart skip a beat. The hospital wing?

“We thought somebody would have notified you by now”, the boy continued. “She fainted in Charms. We brought her to Madam Pomfrey. She wanted to keep her there because we told her Liz hasn't been well for quite a while.”

Speechless I looked at them. She hasn’t been well? I had noticed her being tired but I hadn’t thought…

“Why did none of you notify me that she wasn’t well _before_ she fainted?!”, I spat at them. “I am your Head of House and responsible for you!”

The two students flinched at my tone but I didn't care. They were her friends they should've told me that something was wrong, told me before it got that bad. What if she was seriously ill? It was my responsibility as her Head of House to make sure my students were alright. Especially when it came to her, she was my... my… she was important to me.

“Dismissed!”

I didn't wait for their answer but made my way out of the classroom up the stairs. I needed to know she was alright, needed to know how ill she really was. Why hadn't I noticed? I had seen that she seemed to be more tired than usual, had seen the exhaustion on her face but I wouldn't have thought for it to have a bigger meaning.

When I reached the hospital wing, I entered without knocking. I wouldn't be stopped by formalities.

“Severus?” Poppy Pomfrey left her office, looking confused at me while my eyes searched the beds for the blonde girl. “How can I help you?”

“Miss Brighton... where is she?”, I asked after realising that all the beds were vacant.

“She left just a few minutes ago. She insisted on it, said she wasn't sick, just tired. I wanted to notify you anyway…”

I didn't hear the end of the sentence anymore. Quickly I left the room, taking the corridor I hadn't come from before. She couldn't be very far yet. I needed to see her, to know what was going on with her.

I was about to turn around the corner into the next corridor when I heard her voice and froze in my movement.

“Really, Oliver, I am fine.”

I groaned silently. Scott again. Why did he seem to be always with her these days? Why couldn't that idiot of a boy just leave her be?

Carefully I looked around the corner and managed to see the two of them. The Gryffindor had wrapped his arm around her, which upset me more than I wanted to admit. It took me a moment to realize that he was actually holding the pale girl up, that her legs were shaking. She didn’t look well at all.

“You almost fainted right now, you are _not_ fine.”

“I am just tired, haven't been sleeping well the last few weeks.”

“Let me take you back to the Hospital wing…”

“No”, she answered. “I want to go to my common room. I have some Pepperup Potion there, I'll be fine, don't worry.”

“I _do_ worry. Let me at least take you there. Please.”

*****

“You don’t…”, I started when a voice interrupted me. A very familiar, very sonorous voice.

“I will take her, Scott.”

Slowly I turned around and looked into the pale face of the Potions Master. His dark eyes were focused on me and I could feel my heart beat faster. I couldn't read from them but their effect on me was instant. Not him. I couldn't bear being close to him, couldn't bear talking to him. I didn't want to be hurt by him anymore. He had made clear again that I was nothing to him, had made it obvious that I was like everybody else, no matter what had happened during the holidays.

“There is no need…”, I started in a desperate attempt to convince him to leave but felt another wave of dizziness rolling over me. I felt my legs giving in, almost fell again, when strong arms caught me.

“There is _every_ need”, he answered sternly and I heard from his tone that he wouldn't accept anymore protest, while he helped me onto my feet again. “Scott, you are dismissed.”

“But I can take her..!”

“ _Dismissed”_ , the dark-haired man spat at him and watched the angry Gryffindor leave the corridor before he turned to me.

“Why did you leave the hospital wing? You are in no state to return to the common room.”

Silently I stared at him before averting my gaze to the ground. It hurt to look into his eyes, even though they weren’t as cold as usual. “I am fine. I just need some sleep.”

“Elizabeth.” A shiver ran down my spine when he used my first name again. I had missed it. “Let me take you back. Madam Pomfrey needs to check on you again.”

“No need, I am fine... Professor.”

I could see how something changed in his eyes, when I used his formal title again. Coldness making its way back into them, removing whatever had been there before.

“Fine, if you won’t listen to reason then as your Head of House, I order you to go back there”, he said, lips pressed into a thin line, his tone icy. “After you... _Miss Brighton_.”

With a small sigh I turned around and wanted to walk down the corridor again when my knees finally gave in and I fell towards the ground. Before I could reach it though, Severus had caught me again. He was pressing me to his chest and before I could say anything, he had lifted me onto his arms.

“I-I can walk…", I whispered, heavily blushing. His strong arms around me made it almost impossible for me to think.

“I will not have this discussion”, he simply answered and I resorted to silence as he carried me down the corridor. I could feel his heartbeat against his chest, was enveloped by his scent again. God, I had missed it. I had missed _him._ Incredibly. Still I had avoided him. He had hurt me so much and I hadn't wanted to give him the opportunity to do it again, had wanted to protect my own heart. Still his absence had taken its toll on me. I suffered from sleep deprivation because my nightmares were stronger than ever. It seemed that my emotional state made them worse.

I looked at his face, his expression didn't give away what he was thinking. I could just see a light blush on his cheeks. A few weeks ago I would’ve given everything to be that close to him, to have him carry me in his arms but right now I just didn’t know what to think anymore. What was I to him? Did he care about me? But why did he keep pushing me away, hurting me on purpose? I didn't understand it. I had thought we had established a kind of mutual understanding, a friendship of some sort during the holidays. As far as a professor and a student could have one at least. Obviously I had been mistaken.

When we reached the hospital wing, he took me over to one of the beds, gently placed me there before quickly letting go of me. “You will stay here, at least for the weekend. You will serve detention if I meet you outside the hospital wing.”

I didn't answer anymore, just stared at my hands.

“Have I made myself clear, Brighton?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Back already, huh?”, Madam Pomfrey interrupted us. “I told you to stay.”

“Make sure she does this time”, the dark-haired man snapped at her and without another word he left the two of us alone again, his black cloak billowing behind him.

 

It was Sunday evening when Madam Pomfrey finally released me. She had run every magical test to figure out what I had just to come to the conclusion that I was just exhausted. As I had told her.

“Make sure to notify Professor Snape of your return”, she told me when I was leaving the hospital wing. Great. Talking to him again was the last thing I wanted to do. Slowly I made my way down to the dungeons, taking my time, hoping I could evade somehow what I had to do.

Still I arrived quicker than I wanted at the office door of the dark-haired man. With a deep sigh I knocked and waited until he opened. I saw right away that something was off. He didn’t look his usual self. Under his eyes were dark circles, as if he hadn’t slept for a few nights. Was he alright?

“What is it, Brighton?”

His tone was irritated but it didn’t match his eyes. His dark orbs weren’t cold as usual, there was something else in them. If I wouldn’t know any better I’d say it was worry.

“I just wanted to let you know that Madam Pomfrey dismissed me.”

He didn't answer for a while and I almost wanted to leave, didn’t want him to hiss at me again, when he finally spoke. “Are you alright?”

“Are you?”

I could see the slight surprise in his face, could see the confusion about my question. It had slipped over my lips before I could’ve thought about it. There was an ambiguity to my question and I was sure he had understood it. Nevertheless he didn’t answer and the silence between us stretched again. I couldn't find the strength to leave anymore though. His arms around me two days ago had only intensified my feelings again. I missed spending time with him, missed talking to him. I just wished we could go back to how it was during the holidays.

“Severus-”

“Elizabeth, I-”

“Liz!”

Confused I turned around, searched for the source of the interruption and saw Oliver running towards me. Before I could answer him, I heard a smash behind me and turned around again, saw that the Potions Master had closed the door again, had left me alone again. I felt my heart sink. I could've sworn he had wanted to say the same as me just a moment ago. That he was sorry.

'Nonsense. You just miss him and wished for it', I thought to myself while Oliver came to a stop in front of me, handing me a chocolate frog box.

“Um…”

“A get well present! I had wanted to visit you at the hospital wing but Madam Pomfrey told me you left already."

A small smile appeared on my lips. He was really sweet. “Thank you.”

“Can I walk you to your common room?”

“Do you mind if I go alone?”, I answered. I really wanted to have a moment to myself before Edward and Alex would bombard me with their worries.

“Oh... sure”, the brown-haired boy answered a little disappointed. “I'll see you in class then!” He made his way to the stairs again but turned around one last time. “And I am really looking forward to our date on Valentine’s!”

Sighing I watched him leave and took another look at the door next to me before making my way to the common room. I’d give everything for their roles to be inverted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this one, let me know what you think in the comments <3


	13. Chapter 13

Sighing I stared into the just lit flames of my office’s fireplace. I hated this day even though it had barely started. Valentine’s Day. What a stupid invention. 

I closed my eyes and leaned back on my chair, started rubbing my temples in exhaustion. I had had trouble sleeping for a few weeks now. Actually ever since Elizabeth had wound up in the hospital wing. I still didn’t understand why it had impacted me so much. I had tried quite strongly to convince myself that she was still just a reminder of Lily but it didn’t work anymore. Every time I had to think of her, I tried to morph her face with Lily’s, tried to concentrate just on her eyes which were so alike. But it didn’t work. Elizabeth’s face wouldn’t transform, would stay in my mind as if it was burned into it. She would smile at me, radiate pure light with it, the light I missed so much. Whenever I tried to forget about it, make the picture of her vanish completely, it transformed into her recent self. Dark circles under her eyes, her green orbs dull and lifeless, more a puppet than a human. More than once the memory had haunted me in my sleep, had kept me awake.

When had I started to care that much about her? It had lead to the point that I had started to watch over her whenever I could, worried her body would give in to the exhaustion again. I had started to spend my free time in the library, knowing she spent hers there. I had seen her a lot there, sometimes with her friends, sometimes even with that Scott boy – which upset me more than I wanted to admit – but mostly she had been alone. She still looked incredibly exhausted and more than once I had wanted to talk to her, had wanted to do something about it but I couldn’t. Our special bond had vanished, why should she even listen? Of course I could’ve ordered her back to the hospital wing but I somehow knew it wouldn’t have made a difference. So I had resorted to watch her from afar.

With a little sigh I rose from my chair. It was no use brooding over her. Ever since my failed attempt to apologize to her after she had been released from the hospital wing, we hadn’t shared any moment alone. I frowned when I thought about that night. Scott again. If he wouldn’t have disturbed at that very moment… I sighed in surrender. It didn’t matter anymore. Elizabeth had gone back to being a regular student of mine. She treated me as any other professor, probably didn’t care about me anymore. I flinched when I thought about it. Never had anyone bothered to care about me, except for Lily of course. I had been used to being overlooked, to being the outcast, to being unimportant to everyone. Even to Dumbledore I was merely a pawn in his game. I never would’ve guessed it could change until I had started spending time with Elizabeth. She had given me a long lost feeling of being appreciated, of being important enough to be cared about. And I had destroyed it. With a few simple words. I had repeated my mistake from my youth, had pushed her away the same way I had done it with Lily.

I clenched my jaw when the memory of that fateful day came back to me. I had to stop overthinking this. It didn’t change anything.

Slowly I made my way out of my office wanting to attend breakfast when I almost ran against the blonde girl who had occupied my thoughts just seconds ago. Speechless I looked at her appearance. She was wearing an emerald, long cloak, much like the scarf I had gotten from her. It was buttoned in the front until her waist and the colour made her eyes shine even more. She had tamed her blonde curls in a braid and on her lips was a slight red colour which made her light skin glow even more. She looked absolutely stunning.

“Excuse me, Sir.” Her tone was distant and she didn’t even bother to look into my eyes. Quickly she walked on, seemingly wanting to escape me.

“Elizabeth.”

It had escaped my lips before I could’ve thought about it. I could see how she stopped in her tracks, how she turned around and looked at me, obviously surprised that I had used her first name again.

I didn’t exactly know why I had stopped her. Just moments ago I had tried to convince myself that whatever had been between us had gone back to normal and that was it. But seeing her alone I couldn’t deny any longer. I missed her presence, missed her smile, missed the warmth it invoked in me.

“I… I was wondering how your Felix Felicis is coming along.”

Her face didn’t give away what she was thinking. Just her eyes seemed to shimmer a little more. “Fine, I guess. It needs three more months.”

Absently I nodded, I remembered she said it would take until Mid-May but I hadn’t known what else to say. I wasn’t used to this kind of situation, wasn’t used to phrase my emotions. I had spent a great deal of time to unlearn acting on them.

“Well if that’s all, Professor”, she said, wanting to leave and her not using my first name stung again. It seemed to increase the distance between us.

“Wait!”, I cleared my throat. “I’d like to take a look at it, if that would be possible.”

I could see the perplexed look on her face, could see the utter surprise. What had gotten into me? How could I’ve been so foolish? She would decline. After the way I had treated her, she just had too. She’d push me away, cut me out of her life like Lily had. I was fool for thinking it could be any other way.

“I think it would”, she said and a smile appeared on her lips, filling me with warmth again, warmth and relief.“Are you free tonight?”

“I am.”

“Meet me at the seventh floor around 8 o’clock then, in front of the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy”, she said, making her way past me to the stairs. “I’ll see you there… _Severus._ ”

 

With an unusual spring in my step I made my way up to the seventh floor. I had been looking forward to it all day, had been so relived that she had agreed to spend time with me again that even my colleagues had noticed something was different.

When I reached the corridor she had mentioned, I could already see her standing in front of the tapestry, still wearing that impressive green cloak. Still wondering why she had wanted to meet me up here, I made my way towards her, after I had made sure there was no one else in vicinity.

“Good evening, Severus.”, she said with a smile when she saw me.

“Would you mind telling me, why we had to meet up here?”

A knowing smile appeared on her lips, as she started to walk up and down, from one point till the other. Before I could ask her what the hell she was doing, a door appeared behind her.

“Have you ever heard about the Room of Requirement?”, she asked, opening the door, leading me in. It was a high room, a little bigger than the Potions Classroom but it looked similar. Several fireplaces with cauldrons were standing there, a few of them still lit. The walls were covered in shelves filled with jars and bottles, containing ingredients.

I had heard of this room, had heard about the ‘come-and-go-room’ but I had never managed to find it, neither in my time as a student nor as a teacher. Fascinated I browsed the shelves, amazed by the variety of the ingredients. I would’ve given a lot as a student to have a room like that. Brewing in peace, experimenting without being scolded about the waste of ingredients…

“Welcome to my personal Potions paradise”, she said smiling and I could see how proud she was of her very own laboratory. “It does not have the variety of your personal storage of course, but it’s more than I could’ve dreamed of. Being able to brew in peace is a luxury.”

Surprised I looked at her and couldn’t help but smile about the similarity of our thoughts.

“The Felix Felicis is over here.”

She walked over to a tiny cauldron, taking off her cloak in the process and revealing a long-sleeved black off the shoulder dress. I was wondering for a moment why she was so chic today, I had never seen her in something so extravagant, when I remembered. She had had her date with that Gryffindor today. The thought wiped the tiny smile of my lips in an instant.

Reluctantly I followed the blonde girl, the thought of Scott and her still roaming through my mind while my gaze lingered on her bare shoulders which seemed almost white against the dark dress. Had the idiot wrapped his arm around her in a foolish attempt to flirt? Probably talking about his Quidditch prowess to impress her while his fingers had brushed her skin? I didn’t know why but the thought disgusted me incredibly.

Still deep in thought I looked at the cauldron in front of me. The liquid inside was of a light brown, obviously slowly turning into a yellow and hopefully a gold soon. It looked like she had actually managed to brew it perfectly.

“What do you think?”, she asked eagerly, coming closer and bending over the cauldron next to me. She was so close that I could feel her breath caressing my cheek, could feel the warmth radiating from her.

Quickly I retreated and felt the heat rush to my face. “It looks like you succeeded.” I brought a few steps between us when I noticed another cauldron full of a mother-of-pearl sheen coloured liquid.

“Amortentia?”, I asked surprised and slowly stepped closer.

“I wanted to see if I could do it”, Elizabeth answered and followed me over to the cauldron, came close again – but I couldn’t pay attention to that anymore.

This was impossible. It had always smelled the same to me, had never changed as long as I had smelled it. It had always been the scent of Lily, dried herbs and books. But it smelled different now, there was an additional smell. Confused I closed my eyes, trying to figure out where I had smelled it before. It was floral, sweet… lavender maybe… and still there was an earthier, greener note, like freshly fallen rain in a garden full of flowers and herbs… together they formed an incredible intoxicating mixture… where had I smelled it before?

I opened my eyes again, staring at the blonde girl in front of me who was watching the fumes spiralling over the potion, seeming to be deep in her thoughts – and it hit me. Her. I had smelled it when I had carried her to the hospital wing, when I had hugged her. How could that be?

*****

A little sigh escaped my lips while I watched the liquid. I had been happy all day long, had lookedforward to my ‘date’ with the Potions Master. Even the afternoon with Oliver had been better than expected because my thoughts had constantly escaped to Severus. I had been so depressed the last two month, had missed him incredibly. Still I had distanced myself from him to not give him another possibility to break my heart any further. I had even accepted Oliver’s attempts to spend time with me in the library to get a distraction, to forget the black-haired man but it hadn’t changed a thing. My feelings for him were too strong. The potion smelled the same as before even though I wasn’t sure the scent was coming from it or from the man standing right next to me.

With a sad smile I looked up and was surprised that he was staring at me, his black eyes full of shock. I had never seen that kind of expression on his face, had never seen the Professor that flustered.

“Severus, are you alright?”

He didn’t answer, just kept staring at me and I seriously started to worry. Carefully I stepped over, reached for his hand to get him out of his trance. “Severus?”

Quickly he pulled his hand from mine, brought some room between us. “I have to go.”

And without another word, he went for the exit, his cloak waving behind him. Confused I stared at the door. Had I done something wrong? Did I get too close again, overstepped a line? Or did he just realize that spending time with me had been a mistake? I didn’t understand what happened.

*****

Breathless I rushed into my office, smashing the door shut behind me. What had just happened? How could that be possible? How could the Amortentia smell like Elizabeth? Had her impact on me been that big? That she had found a way into my heart? The one I thought had been broken beyond repair, broken to the point that only Lily’s memory could really move it?

Lily. Wasn’t she the only person I had ever loved, ever cared for? Hasn’t she occupied all the space in my heart, leaving none for anyone other? Hasn’t all possibility of happiness died with her in Godric’s Hollow? All possibility to feel anything more than pain and guilt and despair? Wasn’t the only reason I was still breathing her son? To protect that little piece of her that was still left on earth?

Slowly I made my way to my desk and let the secret drawer with a flick of my wand appear. I took a seat and opened it carefully. The chrysanthemum was still in there, next to Lily’s picture. I hadn’t been able to throw it away anymore, after my Patronus had protected it. It had felt wrong. Gently I took it out of the drawer, it still looked the same. She had enchanted it, so it would last, she had probably hoped that I would keep it.

Carefully I examined it. At the beginning I had thought I only kept it because the doe had defended it. I knew now that it wasn’t true of course. The blonde girl had managed to make me feel again. Her kindness and care for me had moved me to the point that I had started to care for her as well. It had lead to us forming a special kind of relationship, a friendship of some sort. And gradually the flower had become a symbol for it, for her. It had started to remind me of her smile, of her sparkling eyes on New Year’s, of the way she radiated light and warmth.

But how had it gotten to this point? To the point that I could smell her scent in the Amortentia, that I felt so deeply for her? When had simply caring for her transformed into something stronger? How could she have breeched the carefully set up walls around my heart so deeply? How had she been able to get that close to me without me noticing? Could she really be more than just my favorite student, more than just a friend? Was it really possible?

Desperately I rose from my chair. I needed answers, needed to have another proof, I needed to know for sure. With shaking hands I grabbed my wand again, pointed it into the air.

“Expecto Patronum!”

It took longer than usual but nevertheless the shiny animal fell silently on the office floor, watchingattentively how I let my wand drop in shock.

It was still the doe, which was in front of me, still the ghost of Lily – but I hadn’t used her memory to conjure it. I had thought of Elizabeth, had thought of her smile, her eyes, her scent. Had thought about us brewing together, me watching her sleep, me having her in my arms.

Defeated I fell back onto the chair. I had fallen for my student.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos and comments <3 I appreciate everyone of them and am always very grateful for reviews on the stories, so let me know what you think about the chapter! 
> 
> Oh and Merry Christmas of course! <3


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you had a nice Christmas with lots of Harry Potter-themed presents! :D
> 
> Heads up for the new chapter: Smut ahead ;)

“Soooo, how was your date?”

Edward and Alex were sitting across from me at the long Slytherin table, breakfast between us. I hadn’t seen them yesterday anymore, had stayed in the Room of Requirement until curfew, brooding over the Potions Master.

“Fine”, I said, my eyes wandering off to the teacher’s table again. The dark-haired man sat at his usual spot but something seemed off. There were dark circles under his eyes as if he hadn’t slept. It worried me.

“Come on, Liz, details!”

Alex’s voice brought me back to them and I just shrugged a little. “There is not a lot to tell. We strolled through Hogsmeade, we went to Madam Puddifoot’s”, a shiver went down my spine, I seriously hoped I never had to go in there again, “and then back to Hogwarts.”

“That was it? Sounds like the most boring Valentine’s Day. Did you not even kiss?”

I rolled my eyes at the brown-haired girl. “No.”

‘It wasn’t of lack of trying from his side though’, I thought to myself. I had miraculously managed to escape his attempts to kiss me. It would’ve been my first kiss and somehow it felt wrong to give it away to someone I didn’t love. Again I looked up to the Potions Master and this time he was looking back at me. I couldn’t read from his face, didn’t know what he was thinking but his gaze was so intense that my heart skipped a beat. I still didn’t understand what had happened last night but I wouldn’t let him distance himself from me. Not again.

 

“That’s all for today. Dismissed”, echoed the dark voice of the Potions Master through the classroom. Slowly I packed my book, took my time doing so. I needed to speak to him alone to get my plan into action. Edward and Alex went on without me as well, I had told them that I had some Potions-related question for our Head of House.

When they were the last ones to leave the classroom I made my way to Severus’s desk. The dark-haired man hadn’t noticed that I had stayed, occupied with putting back all the ingredients we had used today.

“Severus?”

Confused he turned around, scanning me with his black eyes and still I could see a little glimmer in them. “Yes?”

“I had a favour to ask of you”, I started and locked eyes with him. He had put his mask back on, hid his emotions perfectly again. “I was wondering if it would at all be possible to get some additional Potions lessons.”

I could see the bewilderment in his eyes. “And why would you need those? I’d be inclined to say that you are the most gifted of my students when it comes to Potions, Elizabeth.”

I couldn’t help but smile at his compliment, pride filling me. “I’d actually wanted your help with my memory potion. I still haven’t been able to brew one that was strong enough.”

*****

Silently I stared at her. Her green eyes were fixed on me, making it impossible to look away. I wanted nothing more than to agree to her request. It would be the perfect way to spend time with her  again without anyone asking questions. Still I shouldn’t. She was a student of mine, my feelings for her were completely irrelevant. 

“I understand of course if your schedule doesn’t allow for it.”

“I think once a week would be possible”, I said quicker than I could think about it. “At least until we manage to brew a memory potion which is strong enough. Would Saturday evening work for you?”

Surprised she looked at me and nodded quickly, a spark in her eyes that I had missed in the weeks we hadn’t spoken. “Thank you Severus.”

And with another smile she left the classroom. Sighing I covered my face with my hand. I shouldn’t have given in to it but it was just too tempting after the last two months. I had missed her so incredibly that not spending time with her when it was offered so deliberately seemed like an unsolvable task.

*****

It had been three weeks since I had asked the Potions Master for extra lessons. I still felt a little bad for having used the white lie. Of course I was incredibly thankful to learn from him but above all I had wanted to spend time with him again, had wanted to restore our fragile friendship. And it seemed to work. The last two Saturdays we had spent researching in his office, had discussed different possibilities for another attempt at the memory potion. He had started to smile a little again, had let his mask drop every now and then again. It was as if we had gone back to the Christmas holidays as if the last two months hadn’t happened. It felt wonderful. 

With a smile I came to a halt in front of the black door and knocked twice. I couldn’t wait to spend another evening with him. It almost felt like a date when we did and it was more than I had ever imagined we would get.

“Enter.”

“Good evening, Severus”, I greeted him, a smile on my lips while I closed the door behind me.

“Good evening, Elizabeth.”

The dark-haired man was sitting at his desk, several books sprawled out on it. Next to it were several glass jars filled with powders and herbs. He seemed to be researching them.

“Already working I see”, I said before dropping my bag on the floor next to the armchair I always occupied when I was there. “Any discoveries?”

“None worth mentioning”, he replied and didn’t even look up from his current book. “Perhaps you’ll find something in these.”

He nodded to the pile of leather-bound copies on the table next to the armchair. “It’s some of my old researches, they could contain something helpful.”

“I’ll get myself to work then”, I said with a smile and sat down on the black-leathered chair. Contently I reached for the first book and opened it. Every few lines I would look up, observe the young man before averting my eyes back to the fine lines of his handwriting, hiding my happinessabout the situation behind them.

*****

This evening was not unlike the other two Saturdays we had spent together. I enjoyed it thoroughly even so I would never admit it out loud. Even when she was just here to read notes while I did the same, I enjoyed her presence. Knowing there was someone who cared enough about me to spent time with me, even if it was for my knowledge in Potions, felt incredible. I hadn’t known how much I had missed the feeling of being appreciated, of being important to someone until I was again. Even if it was only being her favorite professor.

“Severus…”

Her voice ripped me out of my thoughts and when I looked up I was surprised to see that her eyes were closed – she had fallen asleep. The book had slipped through her fingers and landed in her lap, her head leaning against the side of the armchair. I couldn’t hide a small smile. It wasn’t the first time I saw her sleep but it was something else entirely to watch her being aware of my feelings for her. The way her blonde hair framed her round face, her full lips being slightly parted, the steady rise and fall of her soft breasts… Quickly I shook my head, averted my eyes. No, I couldn’t allow for myself to think about her that way. It would be impossible for me to be around her.

“Severus”, she whispered again and I couldn’t help but wonder that she seemed to be dreaming about me. Did she really care that much about me? That even in her sleep she thought about me? Could it be that she felt the same way about me as I did for her?

Of course it wouldn’t change anything. She was still my student, still out of reach but just thinking about it being possible, filled me with the well known warmth of her smile.

“Mhm… right there.”

Flustered I stared at the blonde girl. Was she dreaming about…? No, no she couldn’t be. Especially not when she had just whispered my name. It was impossible.

A slight moan escaped her lips and I blushed while being unable to take my eyes off her. Could she really be having a sex dream? Or was my mind playing tricks on me? Maybe my feelings for her clouded my judgement. Maybe the desire I felt for her was finally taking over. I had suppressed such thoughts in the last weeks, hadn’t wanted to think of her that way, knowing that it would be impossible to be with her.

But right now I couldn’t think about anything else. The small moans and gasps escaping her lips made it impossible to ignore my longing for her. And she seemed to be dreaming about me. In that way. Did that mean she felt the same? No. I shouldn’t fool myself into it, it would only hurt more. It was probably just because we had been spending so much time together. Her subconscious and hormones just weaving parts together that weren’t meant for each other.

But my body didn’t care about that. It reacted to it. I could feel my erection growing with every second that passed, with every rise and fall of her perfect breasts.

“Severus please… ”

Fuck. My cock strained almost painful against my pants now. That couldn’t be happening. I needed to wake her up, needed to get her away from me, as quickly as possible. I didn’t know how much longer I could control myself.

With a flimsy move I dropped one of the glass containers next to me to the floor, the shattering sound making her almost jump from her seat.

Quickly I drew my wand and repaired the container, cleaned up the mess. “Excuse me I hadn’t meant to startle you.”

Confused she looked at me. Her eyes gave away that she slowly realised that she had fallen asleep, slowly realised what she had been dreaming about. Her cheeks reddened more and more, her lips parted in an attempt to say something. Merlin how much I wanted to feel them against mine, dip my tongue into her mouth...

_For fuck’s sake Severus, get a hold of yourself!_

“I am the one to apologize, I fell asleep”, she whispered unable to look into my eyes. Quickly she got up from her seat, reached for her bag. “I think I’ll return to the common room for today. I’ll see you on Monday. Goodnight, Severus.”

And before I could say another word the blonde girl had left my office, making me sigh in relief. With a swift wave of my wand I locked the door and casted a Muffliato before I finally gave in. I didn’t even know how my hand had reached my cock but before I could think about it I was caught up in a fantasy too intriguing to ignore.

_“Severus…”, she would’ve whispered, coming up to the desk, taking a seat on it in front of me. Her legs parted ever so slightly while her hands fumbled with the buttons of her blouse, revealing pale breasts, perfect in their naked glory. I would’ve reached for them, massaged her until her nipples were hard under my touch, another moan escaping her lips in_ return.

“ _Severus.”_

_My hand would’ve gone further down, tracing her body until it reached her knickers, feeling that she was incredibly wet under my touch, aroused by the dream of me. My fingers would’ve found her folds, unable to resist the heat and wetness. Gently I would’ve caressed her, enjoyed the little gasps and moans before focusing on her clit._

_“Mhm… right there.”_

_Slowly Elizabeth would’ve lied down on the table, unable to take the pleasure I was giving her, unable to resist the movements of my fingers. I would have her begging for her release, pleading for her satisfaction._

_“Severus please…”_

_“_ Fuck!”

With an outcry I came, jerking my hips into my hand, my mind going blank. Defeated I leaned back in my chair, trying to get down from my unexpected high, the flickering image of Elizabeth still in front of my inner eye. That girl would be my undoing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know how you liked it!


	15. Chapter 15

I was barely listening to my favorite Professor this Friday, while I attempted to take notes. I was incredibly tired, my nightmares had haunted me the whole week, had made it impossible to sleep through even one whole night. The dream I had had in Severus’s office had been the most pleasant one of the week even though it still made me blush. A sex dream right next to my professor, right next to the man I was in love with. I seriously hoped he hadn’t noticed what I had dreamed about.

“Miss Brighton, a word.”

Confused I looked up and into the Potions Master’s face as I noticed that everybody was packing already. I hadn’t even realised that class had ended.

The dark-haired man waited until everybody had left before turning to me again. “You look exhausted.”

“Nightmares”, I simply answered.

“Maybe we can put an end to them. I might have found a way to enhance the memory potion.”

“Really?”

He furrowed his brow upon my question, obviously displeased that I doubted him. I blushed slightly upon his reaction.

“I didn’t want to insult you, it’s just… nothing ever worked.”

His features relaxed a little again before he nodded in understanding. “Would you like to try it then?”

“Of course, tomorrow night after dinner? We can meet at my personal lab.”

“I’ll see you there then.”

Smiling I nodded before I left his office, making my way down the corridor. One more day, one more day and I would hopefully find out who I really was, what my nightmares caused. I was so impatient to finally get an answer to all my questions. Still I was scared as well. What if the truth would reveal something that should rather stay hidden? What if there was a reason my mind wouldn’t want to remember? A defence mechanism against whatever I had experienced?

But then again, it didn’t matter. I needed to know it anyway, it was a part of me after all.

“Brighton!”

Confused I turned around and saw a brunette girl behind me. I didn’t know her name but I recognised her. She was a Gryffindor, a year older than me and a Beater of her House team. With big strides she came over to me, her blue eyes fixed on me.

“Um, can I help you?”

“You can. Leave your filthy Slytherin fingers off Oliver”, she hissed, “I don’t know what you did, probably gave him a Love Potion but he won’t shut up about you. I am just warning you one time: stay away from him, geek.”

Completely perplexed I looked at her for a moment until her words seeped in. How dared she accuse me of something that low? Of poisoning someone for affection?!

“You’ll hate to hear that he is the one who is pursuing me, darling. If you want it to stop, you better talk to him.”

“Liar. Why would he want you when he could have me?”

“Because I am not a dunce like you?”

I saw her reach for her wand but I was quicker. “Expelliarmus!”

But instead of her wand, mine escaped my fingers and flew behind me. Confused I turned around just to see that another Gryffindor girl was standing behind me, my wand in her hands. Madly I faced the grinning brunette again who was pointing her wand at me.

“Can’t even fight your own battles? I thought Gryffindors were supposed to be brave.”

Before I knew what happened a curse sent me flying against the wall, making me cry out in pain as I hit it. When I opened my eyes again my assaulter was standing in front of me, her eyes narrowed.

“I think we have to teach you a lesson to make you stay away from Oliver…”, she whispered and looked at her friend, who had come closer as well. “How about a nice new haircut? Or maybe a few furuncles…”

“Stupor!”

A red flash of light hit the girl right into the chest, letting her break down and confused I turned around to see Alex and Edward, wands raised.

“How dare you!”, the other girl cried out but Edward’s stunner hit her not a second later, making her fall over as well.

“Two against one, what a bunch of cowards!”, Alex spat while Edward had made his way towards me, helping me up from the ground.

“Are you alright, Liz?”

“Yeah… I seriously need to practice my duelling skills though”, I said and massaged my wrist before retrieving my wand. “Thank you guys. That would’ve ended ugly without you.”

Alex smiled at me. “We always got your back. Just glad we were on time.”

“What should we do with them?”, Edward asked and looked down at the two girls who were still lying on the floor, unconscious. “They’d deserve a proper reminder not to pick a fight with Slytherins.”

I quickly shook my head, I wouldn’t stoop to their level. “Let’s just leave them. I am pretty sure the humiliation of being defeated by Slytherins is enough punishment.”

 

Saturday evening came faster than I could’ve hoped for and after an early dinner, I waited patiently for the Potions Master to join me. When he finally arrived in the corridor, his black cloak billowing behind him, I couldn’t help but smile at the sight. I still didn’t understand how his presence scared most of the students, made them flinch or turn away. I had of course a great deal of respect for him as well but ever since I had gotten to know his caring side, his smile, had realised that his coldness was just a mask, I couldn’t help but feel secure around him.

“Good evening, Elizabeth”, he greeted me which I returned before I quickly walked past the wall three times to open up the entrance to the Room of Requirement. The smell of Amortentia was still lingering in the air but I had removed the cauldron, it was simply too intoxicating and made concentrating on my work impossibly difficult. Of course, having Severus around had the same effect on me.

“So how are we going to enhance the potion?”, I asked eagerly, couldn’t hide my excitement any longer. “I still think the Fluxweed wasn't that bad of an idea.”

“It definitely wasn’t”, he replied and got out an old notebook of his. “I thought that if we combine it with some Ginger Root and ground Scarab Beetles as well, it could get not even stronger but also reach different regions of your conscious.”

“Ginger Root and ground Scarab Beetles… like in a wit-sharpening potion?”, I asked and could see the slight surprise in his face. He probably thought I wouldn’t recognise it.

“Exactly.”

“Well then", I said with a smile and went over to the shelves to get all the components for the potion. When I came back Severus had already lit a fire under one of the cauldrons.

Silently we both started preparing and I enjoyed seeing him so concentrated. It always looked magical, when he was brewing a potion. He made it look like he was born to do it, made it look so easy and still so elegant.

We brewed for quite a while, discussing about how to best add the additional ingredients in between, taking notes about our new recipe and I couldn't help but feel incredibly happy about it. It was wonderful to brew with him again.

“What happened to your right hand?”

Perplexed I looked up from my ingredients. His eyes met mine while he stirred one more time, observing me closely. How had he noticed?

“You’re slower than usual with your preparation.”

“Oh”, I gasped in surprise, “I… um… had a misunderstanding with some Gryffindors.”

The Potions Master studied me silently for a while before pulling out his wand and bringing it to my wrist. He muttered the same incantation he had when I had hurt myself during the explosion in his office and I felt the pain vanish again.

“If this _misunderstanding_ was to reoccur, I want you to report it to me”, he whispered and traced the skin of my hand ever so gently with his long fingers, as to make sure he wouldn’t hurt me any further, to make sure he hadn’t missed anything.

“I will”, I uttered breathlessly before he let go of me again, turning back to the cauldron while I hid my blushing face behind my hair, concentrating on my ingredients again.

When the potion finally was ready, it was of a dark blue colour. I couldn't wait to try it, to maybe finally get a clue about my past, to maybe put the nightmares to an end. My hand reached for the ladle, when the man next to me grabbed my arm.

Confused I looked at him and could see worry in his eyes. “Maybe it's not the best idea to use yourself as a subject for testing.”

I smiled at him and took the ladle anyway. “It's going to be fine. The Potions Master himself brewed it after all”, I said with a wink.

Severus didn't lose his worried expression when I brought the potion to my lips and quickly drank it. At first, nothing happened and I already wanted to sigh in frustration, when I felt a burning pain rip through my skull. It felt as if it was being torn open in the middle, felt like it was cleaved into pieces by an axe.

Screaming I fell to my knees, my eyes closed, white flames dancing in front of them. A spiral of colours seemed to stream into my head, whispers turning into screams which mixed with my own as I fell flat on the floor. And then I saw it. Silver masks, black snakes, purple flashes, a voice whispering. “ _You will be the key.”_

“Elizabeth!”

My eyes flew open. Confused I looked into the worried face of the Potions Master. He was bent over me, his black eyes asserting me.

“Are you alright?!”

Slowly I nodded, tried to sit up, when I realised that I was shivering. The pain still coursed through my head, making it difficult to think. I tried to lift myself up again and felt an arm around me, carefully helping me up. Severus didn’t remove his hand from my shoulder, supporting me while I searched for words, tried to process what I saw.

“I need more.”

“No.”

“But it worked, Severus! I saw something! I just need a little more…”

“No, Elizabeth.”

“But I need to know!”, I spat at him, desperate to finally find out more about my past.

“I will not watch you screaming in pain!”

Scared I wince. His hand on my shoulders had grabbed harder onto me, his eyes furious. I had never heard him lose his temper in that way.

When he saw my fear though, he slowly let go of me, his eyes turning sad and worried, showing a pain that I had never seen before.

“We will find another way. Just don't... don't make me watch you suffer”, he said, his voice a barely audible whisper. He didn’t say another word but his eyes did. They seemed to be overflowing with emotions, filled to the brim with care. I had never seen his black orbs that way; it was mesmerising. Flustered I looked at him, not able to move away or answer, not able to understand what was happening. And still my heart seemed to know better and before I could even think about it, my lips had found his.

*****

Completely perplexed I felt her lips on mine. She was kissing me. Elizabeth was kissing me. I had dreamed of this, had imagined this ever since I had realised my feelings for her but the reality struck me like lighting. The regular warmth I felt in her presence turned into a fire which ran through my body, setting everything ablaze and in that moment everything made sense. Every encounter between us, every smile, every look, every touch – all fell into place.

Before my thoughts could spiral any further though, I felt her pull away. Her eyes were slowly filling with tears, giving away that she realised what she just did.

“I am so sor-”

I stopped her mid-sentence with my lips and pulled her into my arms. I didn’t want to hear it, didn’t want to lose the feeling the gentle kiss had given me. I felt her sigh into the kiss, felt her arms wrapping around me. Her smooth lips tasted incredibly sweet, they intoxicated my thoughts with ease. I didn’t care how wrong it was, didn’t want to know what would happen next. Right in that moment I just wanted to be close to her, wanted to feel whole. I hadn’t been in so long.

When we broke apart again, both of us breathing heavily, I looked into her eyes. Those green orbs which were filled with so many emotions – which belonged to my student. Fuck. Fuck! What had I been thinking? What had I done? She was my student, I was her professor this shouldn’t, no it _couldn’t_ be happening.

“Severus…”, she whispered, her voice rough. She wanted to reach out for me but I pulled back, quickly got up. I couldn’t stay any longer. I wouldn’t be able to resist her anymore if I would.

Without another word I rushed out of her lab, still heard her calling for me but didn’t react anymore. I almost ran down the stairs, while my hand traveled to my mouth. I could still feel her lips on mine, could still taste that incredible sweetness, that warmth. And the way it had made me feel. It had crashed down like waves on me, waves of warmth and light that had washed away everything but the need to hold her and never let go.

“Shit”, I muttered and came to a halt after having brought a few floors between the Room of Requirement and me. I hadn’t realised how much I wanted her, hadn’t realised how deep my feelings really ran until the kiss.

But I couldn’t give in to them. She was my student and even though she seemed to return my feelings, there was no way for us to be together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments always highly appreciated! <3


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the reactions on the last chapter, always makes my day <3

Again I knocked on the door, desperate to see him, to talk to him. I hadn’t slept a second since last night, the kiss being too vividly burned into my mind. His lips on mine, his arms around me, his scent that was enveloping me… I shivered at the thought of it. I still wasn’t completely sure it hadn’t been a dream, the idea that he was returning my feelings seemed unimaginable.

“Professor Snape?”, I asked and knocked again. “Severus?”

Finally I heard some steps behind the black door before it opened, revealing the Potions Master. His dark eyes stared down at me, not giving away a single emotion. His mask was perfectly put back into place and it made me shift uncomfortably from one foot to another. Still I could see the dark circles under his eyes. It seemed I hadn’t been the only one who hadn’t slept.

“Miss Brighton, why is it that you disturb me so early?”

His voice was cold but _Miss Brighton_ stung more. It felt incredibly wrong after last night.

“I… yesterday-”

Before I could go on, the dark-haired man had reached for my arm and pulled me roughly into his office, closing the door behind us. With big strides he walked over to his desk and stood in front of it, his back turned towards me.

“Yesterday was an unfortunate event which will not repeat itself. You shouldn’t attach any importance to it.”

Hurt I looked at the young man who still didn’t turn around. Why? Why did he say that? I had felt it, had felt that he had wanted it as much as I had. He cared for me the same way I cared for him.

“Severus-”

“Professor Snape.”

Speechless I stared at him and felt how my throat closed, how tears filled my eyes. He really wanted to cut all ties between us, wanted to break everything between us.

“Severus, please, don’t do this.” My voice was trembling, barely holding on. “I care for you. In fact I am in lov-”

“Don’t you dare!” Finally he turned around and the coldness in his eyes burned like fire. “50 points from Slytherin for your inappropriate behaviour. It’s Professor Snape or Sir and nothing else. And if you don’t want to be in detention till the end of your education, I suggest you leave.”

There it was. He didn’t want me, didn’t care about hurting me. I felt the tears rolling off my cheeks, unable to stop them while my heart broke in two. Without another word I went for the exit. I couldn’t look at him any longer, the hate in his eyes breaking yesterday’s picture of the mesmerising orbs which had been filled with so much care. Why? Why didn’t he even want to listen?

*****

Furious I threw wordless curses through the room, breaking everything that was too unfortunate to be in sight. Still I couldn’t get rid of her face in my mind. Pained, desperate, broken. Hurt to the point that she would hate me. It was what I had thought best to get her off me, to make it impossible for her to want to be with me. But I hadn’t considered what impact her tears would have on me.

_Severus, please don’t do this. I care for you. In fact I am in lov-_

“Fuck!”

Another angry slash with my wand opened the padding of the armchair even further. She really did care for me, she was in love with me. Iconic that the first person to return my affection had to be a student of mine, had to be somebody who I couldn’t be with. It didn’t matter that she was of age, I was her fucking professor and she was out of reach.

Defeated I sank down onto my desk, cradling my face in my hands. I couldn’t even put into words how much I had wanted to give in. The night had been a constant fight between my mind and my heart which seemed to be stronger than it had ever been since she had revived it.

The kiss yesterday had been everything I had hoped for and still it had destroyed any possibility of just spending time with her, of having some sort of friendship. I couldn’t be with her now, knowing that she felt the same as I did. It wouldn’t be enough anymore – for either one of us.

*****

Sobbing I pressed my face harder against the soft pillow beneath me. Why? Why did I have to fall in love with him of all people? Why couldn’t it have been another student? Why did it have to be my professor? Why couldn’t it be someone who wasn’t scared of giving in to his feelings?

“There you are! We missed you at breakfast…”, the voice of Alex echoed through the dormitory as she entered. “Where have you… Liz? Are you alright?”

Slowly I sat up and tried to wipe the tears off my face, tried to stop crying. My best friend quickly made her way to my bed, sat down next to me and wrapped her arm around my shoulder.

“What happened?”

Silently I looked at her. I didn’t know what to say. I wanted nothing more than to tell her the truth, tell her about the kiss, my feelings for the Potions Master and the fact that he seemed to return them and still chose to break my heart. But it felt wrong to reveal it to her, no matter how much I trusted her.

Instead I just hugged her tightly, pressed myself against her in a desperate need of soothing the pain in my chest. I felt her arms wrap around me instantly and was so thankful that she understood, so thankful that she was there.

“It’s okay. Whatever it is, it’s going to be okay.”

 

I couldn’t have gone to Potions the next day. I couldn’t face him yet without breaking apart. To have him treat me like any other student, to have him ignore me, look at me with disgust… I couldn’t have borne it. So I’ve skipped it – the first class I had deliberately skipped since I started school. I had used the time to go for an early dinner, so I wouldn’t have to see the Potions Master at all – I hadn’t since our fight, had avoided the Great Hall completely. 

I was deep in thoughts again when I exited the hall, running into Oliver who was just entering it and stopped me on the way.

“There is my favorite girl. Haven’t seen you in a while”, he said smiling, instantly looking worried when he scanned my face. “Hey, are you alright?”

Silently I nodded, tried to come up with a smile. “Yeah, just a little tired.”

His brown eyes studied me sceptically. “Are you sure? You know if you need somebody to talk to…”

“Thank you, Oliver, really, but I am fine.”

“You know, you don’t have to be strong all the time, Liz. I know it’s this Slytherin thing to sort all things out by yourself but there are people in your… oh god, I am sorry, please don’t cry!”

Silent tears had started to roll off my face while he had talked. I couldn’t help it, his kindness moved me to tears. Why couldn’t I just be in love with him?

“I am sorry…”

Before I could go on any further though, the boy had wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into a strong embrace. Perplexed I was unable to move for a moment before I just gave into letting myself being comforted. Still I couldn’t help being reminded of Severus’s arms around me and sobbed at the thought of it. I just wanted to be with him.

“It would be incredibly considerate of you, to not block the only entrance into the Great Hall.”

The voice made me almost jump from Oliver’s hug. I looked up and into the furious face of the Potions Master. Never had I seen that kind of expression on his face. His dark eyes seemed to pierce through the both of us, seemed to devour us and I couldn’t hold his gaze.

“So that is what you have been occupied with instead of attending my class, Brighton”, he hissed and I flinched but stayed silent. “10 points from Slytherin and detention tomorrow!”

“That’s completely unfair! You can clearly see that she is upset!”, Oliver said angrily. “Can’t you be compassionate for once?!”

Flabbergasted I looked at the Gryffindor Captain and was thankful and scared at the same time. This was not going to end well for him.

“50 points from Gryffindor for your disrespect, Scott, and detention for the whole week!”

And without another word the dark-haired man strutted into the Great Hall, leaving us behind.

“Greasy, heartless git.”

“I am sorry, Oliver. It’s my fault that you got detention.”

The boy just shrugged. “It’s fine, really. I enjoy upsetting him, although I have to admit, I have never seen him that mad.”

We both looked up to the head table. The dark eyes of the Head of House Slytherin were still locked on us and I quickly had to look away again.

“But hey, at least we get to have detention together, maybe we can piss him off some more!”, Oliver said laughing.

 

With shaking hands I stood in front of Severus’s office the next evening, unable to bring myself to knock on the door. I had gotten his owl this morning which had delivered a small scroll. _8pm, my office,_ was all that had been written on it.

A part of me had hoped that he would’ve made me work for Filch, far away from him. He had done it to Oliver, who had been quite surprised at breakfast, that we wouldn’t be attending it together.

I took another deep breath before finally raising my hand to knock. The ‘Enter’ that followed was incredibly cold and I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to find strength before stepping inside. It was just one evening, I could do this.

“Gracing me with your presence after all, Brighton?”

The Potions Master was sitting behind his desk, looking angrily at me but I knew better than to start fighting with him. I wouldn’t give him that satisfaction.

“What would you like me to do, Sir?”

I didn’t look into his eyes. My gaze was fixed on the wall behind him. I didn’t want to see his hate anymore, wanted to remember the care I had seen three days ago.

“You’ll brew. Veritaserum to be exact.” Severus rose from his desk, walking over to the table by the fireplace where everything for the potion was set up. “A potion you could’ve learned about if you hadn’t skipped yesterday’s lesson to be able to cling to the Gryffindor Quidditch Captain.”

So that was it. Jealousy. I had suspected this to be the reason for his outburst but hadn’t wanted to give in to the thought. It didn’t matter anyway.

“I’ll put myself to work then.”

And without another word I started brewing and tried to not pay attention to the man who was circling me like he had on my very first detention with him. He made it incredibly hard for me to concentrate on my work, his proximity being like a drug to me. Exciting and painful at the same time. I couldn’t get enough of it and still it made me suffer.

When I was done, I stepped back from the cauldron, still looking at the liquid in front of me instead of him. “It’s done. It’ll just need a full…”

“…lunar cycle to finish, yes I know”, Severus whispered behind me and I could feel his breath on my neck, making me shiver.

“So we’re done?”

My voice barely made it over my lips. I needed to get away from him, needed to protect my heart from him. He had broken it already too much.

“We are.”

Nodding stiffly I went for the door, not giving him another look. When my hand reached for the handle though, he spoke again.

“I expect you to value your education higher than Scott’s arms on Friday”, he whispered, “I thought you knew better than to skip class and I won’t tolerate that kind of behaviour another time.”

Enough was enough.

Angrily I turned around, stared him down. He was still standing in the middle of the room and his dark eyes were just as cold as always but even that couldn’t stop me now anymore. He had wanted to cut all ties with me, had pushed me away because he didn’t want to be with me – and now he dared to tell me who I could be with?

“And even if I wouldn’t, it is none of your _fucking_ business, _Professor_ ”, I spat and glared at him. “You made that perfectly clear the other day.”

Perplexed the dark haired man stared at me for a second before he rushed towards me with big strides. The anger in his eyes made me step back in surprise, trapped me between him and the door.

“I think you are forgetting who you're talking to”, he growled, his face just centimetres from mine, his hands on the door next to my head. He was so close, the heat and scent coming from him enveloped me and making my heart beat faster.

“I know exactly who I am talking to”, I whispered and stared into his black eyes, standing my ground. “I think _you_ are forgetting that you are just my Professor, _Sir._ ”

“And why don’t you understand that this is exactly the problem?!”

Surprised I looked at him, the anger falling off me as it words seeped in. I felt him moving closer, his lips hovering just millimetres over mine now. I wanted to give in, wanted _him_ to give in, wanted to kiss him again but before I could move he had retreated. I could see how pain made its way into his eyes replacing the fury while he pulled himself back completely, before he turned around, seemingly unable to look at me anymore.

“Leave.”

But I didn’t. I couldn’t. Quickly I closed the distance between us again and reached for his face. Before he could even react, my lips were pressed against his, desperate to show him how much I cared for him, how much he meant to me, how much I wanted him – no matter the circumstances. It took him a moment to return the kiss but when he did his arms wrapped so tightly around me that I had trouble breathing. He needed this as much as I did. 

I didn’t know how long we stood there, how long we revealed everything to each other but when he finally broke the kiss, I let go of him as well. We didn’t speak a word but his eyes confessed everything he couldn’t say. I wanted to convince him to give in to it but I knew there wasn’t anything I could say to change his mind. And so I stepped back again and left his office, the door silently closing behind me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it, would love to hear your opinions :)


	17. Chapter 17

Exhausted I looked onto the golden plate in front of me, filled with my untouched breakfast. I wasn’t hungry even though I had barely eaten in the last days. I simply couldn’t bring myself to it.

My eyes wandered off to the Slytherin table again, focusing on the blonde girl who seemed to be just as absent-minded as I was. I wondered what she was thinking about, wondered if her thoughts were roaming around our last kiss as well.

I sighed at the thought of it. I had given in to it again, even though I shouldn’t have, even though every part of my mind had screamed no. But my body hadn’t listened, it had clung to her as if she was my lifeline, my only possibility of rescue. When we had broken the kiss I had been so close to give in, so close to just listen to my heart for once and be with her that I had been glad and devastated that she had left right after.

Despite everything she had shown up for Potions on Friday, nevertheless hadn’t even looked or spoken to me. She seemed to be suffering just as much as I was and tried to control her pain by limiting our interaction. It made things for me easier as well, easier to hold up my Occlumency shields even though her eyes seemed to pierce through them every time.

Another sigh escaped my lips. How should this be going on?

My gaze flickered over to Elizabeth again when I noticed that Scott had taken a seat next to her. My fist clenched around my cutlery. The picture of her in his arms had burned itself into my mind, impossible to be removed. I couldn’t even phrase how it had felt to see them standing there, his arms around her. The last time I had felt something similar had been when I had seen Lily in Potter’s embrace. I groaned silently at the thought of it. It seemed history was doomed to repeat itself.

I watched as the two of them rose from the table, saw how Scott removed his cloak and wrapped her in it and it took everything in me to stay calm, while the Gryffindor table cheered at the sight. Madly I stared at the couple leaving the hall. Why couldn’t that idiot leave her alone? Why did he continue to pursue her? She wasn’t his to take.

_She isn’t yours either_ , a little voice in my head whispered. _You rejected her._

Depressed I pushed my plate away, my appetite gone for good. She could’ve been mine, easily, but it just couldn’t happen, not as long as she was my student. Whatever she felt for me, it was just completely inappropriate to be with her. I was her teacher and however I played it, it would look like I seduced her. Who would after all believe that a young, intelligent, beautiful girl fell in love with the heartless bat of the Hogwarts’ dungeons?

“Everything fine, Severus?”, I heard Dumbledore’s voice next to me and quickly put on my cold mask again, not wanting him to see anymore than he probably already had.

“Perfectly. Just finished with breakfast.”

And without another word I rose from my chair, made my way out of the Great Hall. I wanted to continue to the dungeons, wanted to be alone, drown myself in my own misery, when my gaze fell on the entrance. Considering that Scott had wrapped her in her cloak, he had probably taken her out to the grounds. I could feel the urge to follow them grow in me. I shouldn’t. I had no right to interfere, no right to even listen. She was just a student of mine, I had forsaken every right to meddle in her affairs. Still I wanted to know, needed to know if she gave in to that fool, if she gave up on me so quickly.

I hadn’t even finished my thought when my feet took the way to the portal. The grounds were still covered with frost even though it was Mid-March. My eyes roamed over the landscape; they could not be very far yet. I slowly made my way to the Stone Circle, following the two pair of footsteps in the wet grass and making my way down the hill, when I heard her voice. I saw them stand under an impressive oak at the edge of the forest. Quickly I stepped behind a tree a few meters away, concealed from their view.

“Why don’t you want to be with me, Liz? I really do like you. A lot actually”, I heard the voice of the Gryffindor boy and could merely suppress a growl.

“I… I am honoured, Oliver, I really am, but I don’t feel the same way…”

“You’re really turning me down?”

“I am sorry”, I heard her say. “Thank you for your cloak.”

“Well, I will change your mind then”, the boy replied and I rolled my eyes. He was exactly like my nemesis. “Keep the cloak, I’ll get it back next time.”

And before she could reply, Scott had stepped away, making his way back to the castle and me retreat a little more into the shadows. Leaning against a tree, I couldn’t help but feel deeply relieved. I knew it still didn’t change anything about us, nevertheless I couldn’t help but wonder if she turned him down in the hope there would be a future for us.

*****

I let out a sigh when Oliver walked away. Why couldn’t he just give up and let me be? I doubted I would ever feel the same way he felt towards me. My heart was occupied by another and it wouldn’t give up on him, no matter if I couldn’t be with him.

Freezing I pulled Oliver’s cloak tighter around me. I should go back into the castle before I would catch a cold but I didn’t want to return to the common room. Edward and Alex would want to know every detail and I didn’t want to tell them that I turned him down, didn’t want to lie to them about why I did it.

Still I didn’t really have a choice and sighing I made my way back to the castle. Maybe they’d still be at breakfast and I could sneak into the dormitory, hide with a good book. Although I doubted I could concentrate on it. My mind kept going back to Severus. I had felt his gaze on me this morning, especially when I had left with Oliver. I wondered what he thought, wondered if he thought I had given up on him already.

A sad smile appeared on my lips as I passed the Great Hall and went on down the stairs to the dungeons. As if it would be possible for me to give up on him, as if I could choose Oliver over him. I knew it would be easier for me if I’d simply be with the Gryffindor and forget about the Potions Master. But it was impossible. I didn't know how but the dark-haired man had found a way that deep into my heart that I didn’t see a way of anyone else occupying it. I still didn’t know a lot about Severus, but it didn’t matter. I felt… no, I _knew_ that he needed me as much as I needed him.

“Wearing Oliver’s clothes now, are we?”

I sighed in frustration about hearing the voice behind me. Not today.

Slowly I turned around and looked at the 7th year Gryffindor girl who seemed to be – to my satisfaction – anything but happy.

“What do you want, Wilson?”

I had remembered her name after all. Hannah Wilson. Since her attack on me she had kept her distance but I knew it wouldn’t last forever.

“I thought I made myself clear the last time. Stay away from Oliver.”

I rolled my eyes and snorted. “And I thought being defeated by Slytherins once had been punishment enough for you.”

“You just won because your friends came!”

“And you would’ve not dared to attack me if you hadn’t brought your bestie with you”, I replied and turned around. “Please search someone else to bother with your stupidity and leave me be.”

“How dare you! Stupor!”

“Protego!”

The sonorous voice echoed through the dungeons while I still saw the red flash bounce off the shield that had build up between me and the brown-haired girl.

“What do you think you are doing Wilson?”, Severus roared, his wand dangerously pointed at the Gryffindor, “Cursing a student from behind? I didn’t know cowardice was added to the list of traits for Gryffindors.”

“Sir, she started-”

“By turning her back to you she started?!”, he hissed, “Don’t. Lie. To me.”

His hand was trembling with fury and I was scared for a moment that he would actually attack her but instead he put his wand away.

“40 points from Gryffindor and together with Professor McGonagall I will find a fit punishment for your action. Now get out of my sight.”

The brunette didn’t wait another second and scared she ran up the stairs, leaving me and the dark-haired man alone. His eyes met mine and I felt my heat skip a beat. I hadn’t looked into his eyes since our last kiss, had been unable to bring myself to do it. I couldn’t read from them, still I couldn’t stop looking at them. With big strides he walked towards me and I wanted to step back already, let him pass, when he spoke again.

“My office. Now.”

Surprised I nodded and followed him down the corridor to his office, entering it behind him. Silently he closed the door before he looked at me, his eyes asserting me.

“Did she hurt you?”

“She didn’t.”

“Is she part of the _misunderstanding_ you told me about last week?”

“Yes.”

“Did she attack you last time as well?”

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?!”, he spat and looked angrily at me.

“Because I can handle it.”

He snorted at my response. “Yes I saw how well you just handled it.”

Slowly he made his way over to his desk, turning his back at me while I stood in the middle of the room, unsure if he wanted me to leave again.

“Thank you though, Severus.”

I waited for him to scold me, to deduct points because I was using his first name but he simply turned around and looked at me, not saying anything. I met his eyes again to try to understand what he was thinking about and was surprised to be able to see so many emotions in it. I had expected him to have put his mask back on, making it impossible for me to discover his thoughts. Instead there seemed to be a fight going on in his black orbs, a struggle between his shield and his feelings. It hurt me to see him this way. I wanted to help him, wanted him to give in to what he felt – even though I shouldn’t. I endangered his occupation, I was his student after all.

“I thought about…” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Just thinking the words hurt. “You were probably right. We should forget what happened.”

“Is that what you want?”

Surprised I opened my eyes again. It had been barely a whisper, almost inaudible but I was sure that I had heard it.

“It’s what _you_ want.”

“It’s what is right”, he whispered.

“I don’t care what is right.”

“Elizabeth…”

“The only thing I do care about, is what you want”, I interrupted him and stepped closer, reaching for his hands, held them tightly in mine. They were cold and still they invoked an incredible warmth in me. “I am in love with you, Severus.”

Speechless he looked at me and before I knew how I was in his arms and felt his lips crash against mine. He was kissing me with a hunger, an insatiable need and I simply gave in to it. If it would be our last kiss, I wanted it to be one to remember.

When we broke apart again, the dark haired man had his eyes closed, his arms still around me. Gently I reached for his face, cradled it in my hands, while his eyes found mine.

“I want to be with you. I know what it means, know that no one can know”, I whispered, “Still I want to be with you, Severus, and unless you tell me to stay away from you, nothing can make me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews always appreciated! :)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you'll enjoy this one <3

“Are you sure, you don’t want to join us for the Quidditch match?”, Edward asked again, while he was tying his scarf around his neck. “I know it’s only Hufflepuff against Ravenclaw but still better than being stuck in the common room, right?”

“I’ll stay, thank you though”, I said with a smile, raising the book in my hands a little higher. “I still need to write my Potions essay.”

“If you don’t come to the last Slytherin game though, I will be mad”, Alex said, joining us from the dormitory.

“Don’t you worry, I never missed a game of yours, remember?”

“True, just making sure though”, she replied grinning, linking arms with Edward. “Let’s go troublemaker!”

Waving a last time at me, they left the common room as the last ones. I waited a little while before I got up from the armchair, quickly making my way out as well. It was only a few minutes until I arrived at the black door. I drew my wand and knocked three times against it with it, hearing the familiar click I was used to by now.

I entered without waiting for an answer, locking the door behind me again. I couldn’t even turn around, feeling his arms around my waist already, his lips on my neck.

“What took you so long?”

I couldn’t help but smile at his words before I turned in his arms, leaning against the door. “You know I have to wait until everybody is gone.”

Severus’s answer was just an unhappy groan before his lips met mine. I sighed into the kiss, pulling him closer. It had been four weeks since our first one and still I couldn’t get enough of it, couldn’t get enough of him.

“How long do we have?”, he whispered, as we broke apart, his lips hovering over mine, his hands playing with my hair.

“However long the game lasts, maybe a little longer”, I answered, my hands tracing the row of buttons on his frock coat.

“Mhm… come.”

He took my hand into his, leading me past his desk through the concealed door into his living quarters which I had gotten to know already. A warm fire was lit in the fire place made of black marble, a black leather couch, not unlike the one in the common room, stood in front of it. A stack of papers was laying on it, next to a quill – he had probably been grading them.

“Unfortunately I have to finish this first”, he said, being aware of my gaze.

“It’s fine. I have to finish a certain Potions essay as well.”

An amused smile appeared on his face while he led me to the couch, letting me take a seat next to him. His behaviour had changed in the last weeks. He had been tense at first, unsure of this new situation. After having given in to it, having asked me to stay with him, he had struggled with it. I had seen the fight between reason and his feelings in his eyes when we had met for the first time after his decision. Gently I had pulled him into my arms, had rested my head on his chest, listened to his heartbeat for a while.

“If… if you have changed your mind”, I had whispered and pressed him a little tighter against me, scared about his answer, “I’d understand.”

A long silence had followed before he had let go of me, just to cradle my face in his hands. “I didn’t.”

And he had sealed my lips with a long kiss, vanishing both our doubts with it.

Ever since then we mostly spent the weekends together, sometimes an evening during the week if I could manage to sneak away. It had taken some time for him to actually talk when I was over, to even just tell me about his day but more and more he had learned to drop his mask in front of me, to show me his emotions. Even if it was just him complaining about my fellow classmates. Still I felt how it was hard for him sometimes that when we breached certain subjects he would rebuild his walls, put his mask back on. That letting himself go completely was hard for him and that there were still a lot of things he couldn’t tell me, especially about his past. But I would wait until he was ready.

“You don’t seem to be thinking about Alchemy.”

His voice pulled me back into reality. His dark eyes were still fixed on the paper he was reading but I couldn’t shake the feeling he had been staring at me for a while.

“No, not quite.”

“And what had your mind be occupied with then?”

I couldn’t hide a smile and put my quill and paper away. “Actually, it’s been you.”

“Is that so?”, he replied, still staring onto the paper but his voice gave away his curiosity. “And what exactly were those thoughts about?”

“Something way more intriguing than Alchemy.”

The black-haired man couldn’t hide his smirk anymore. He put the paper he was holding away and pulled me closer to him, his lips meeting mine again. The gentle kiss quickly grew into a passionate one and I couldn’t help tugging at his high-buttoned frock coat, pulling him closer. I could feel him grin into the kiss, giving in to my touch and leaning over me, gently pushing me onto the couch. His lips travelled down my jawline, onto my neck, leaving little kisses on it.

“Sev…”, it escaped my lips, unable to finish his name.

Surprised he looked up. “Sev?”

“I am sorry. You don’t like?”

“No, it’s just…” I could see something in his eyes, a certain pain I had witnessed a few times already. “I haven’t heard that in a long time.”

“Would you prefer Severus?”

He looked at me for a while before he shook his head. “No, Sev is fine.”

Still the pain in his eyes didn’t go away and my hand found his cheek, trying to comfort him. “Would you like to tell me about it?”

I could see the surprise in his eyes before he lifted himself off me. Quickly I followed him up, holding his hand in mine, trying to understand, wanting to help.

*****

“Has it something to do with the red-haired woman?”

Perplexed I looked at her. How did she know? How could she know about Lily?

“I was just wondering…”, she continued, “Remember Halloween? You had a picture in your hand.”

Sighing I closed my eyes. Of course. I had forgotten about it, had forgotten that she had seen her, that she had seen the picture. Slowly I opened my eyes again, looked at my hand she was holding. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to tell her about her yet, wasn’t ready to open up about my past yet. There was too much to explain, too much to expect from her. How could I tell her what I had done and still hope for her to see me the same as she did now?

“It’s okay.”

I looked at her and could see a smile on her lips. “It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me.”

“I am sorry, Elizabeth, I just…”

“I know”, she simply answered and I couldn’t help but smile at her. I was so thankful, so thankful she wasn’t pressuring me. Slowly I reached out for her, pulling her closer again, wrapping her in my arms. I still didn’t understand how this had happened, how this could be possible. I wouldn’t have even imagined that I could be happy again, feel so secure with someone.

When she had told me that she wanted to be with me, no matter the odds, I hadn’t been able to answer. I had just stared at her, stared into those green eyes while my thoughts had run wild. A part of me had wanted to tell her, to stay away from me, that whatever she felt for me didn’t matter but her words echoing in my ears had made it impossible. They had been like a trigger, had been like the final ingredient to a potion to make up my mind, to let me see clear. I had never felt this way, had never felt so important to anyone, so wanted in someone’s life. Never had I known how it felt to be the reason for someone’s happiness.

When I had felt her slowly pull away, probably taking my silence as a rejection, I hadn’t let her. I had pulled her back, pressed her against my chest, while a whispered “Stay with me” had escaped my lips.

And she had. She still did.

Gently I let go of her again, just to take her face into my hands and place my lips on hers. I wanted to be close to her, wanted her to feel how thankful I was, how much I needed her.

My tongue found hers quickly and she couldn’t contain a moan which just incited me more and I lifted her onto my lap. I needed her closer to me. I felt her hands on the buttons of my coat, slowly opening the upper ones while my hands slid under her blouse, caressing her waist and lower back. I broke the kiss again only to put my lips back on her neck, while her hands traveled into my hair, holding on.

“Severus…”, she whispered and a shiver ran down my spine. My hands travelled further up her back, finding their way to her breasts. Carefully I massaged them through the thin fabric of her bra while she completely opened my coat and the underlying shirt. Her hands caressed over my bare chest and her mouth found mine again. A small groan left my lips as I felt her hips starting to grind against me. I wanted her.

Before we could go any further though, we heard the noise of hundreds of students making their way back to the castle over our heads.

“...the game seems to be over”, she whispered breathless, her hands still on me, her lips inches from mine.

I grunted unhappily. I knew what it meant and still I didn’t want her to go. Not now.

“Can’t you stay?”

“Unless you want people to ask questions, unfortunately no”, she replied sadly. I could still see the lust in her eyes as well.

“When will you come back?”

“Not before the weekend, I fear.”

I sighed again and leaned my head against hers, closed my eyes. I knew we had to be careful, had to wait for times nobody would ask questions about her being gone – still I wanted her to be with me. As I opened my mouth to answer her, a gasp escaped my lips. Her hand had found its way into my pants, caressing over the bulge before enclosing around my erection.

*****

“Elizabeth…”

Severus buried his head on my chest while my hand moved up and down his impressive cock. It’s hot skin under my fingers only adumbrated how big he really was. I knew I had to leave but I couldn’t, the lust I had felt made it impossible. His moans added even more to my excitement and I freed his erection from the fabrics he was wearing.

His lips found mine while I stroked him harder, his hips bucking against me. I could feel his tongue entering my mouth and welcomed it passionately. His hand reached for my breasts again, caressing my erect nipple, making me moan into the kiss and stopping the movement of my hand for a moment.

“Don't... stop…”, he pleaded and pulled me even closer while I resumed stroking him. I could feel he was close and felt myself getting wetter at the thought of making him come. I wished I could stay longer, feel him myself...

“Elizabeth…”, he moaned and his hands grabbed my waist, digging his fingers into me. Subconsciously I started grinding against him, trying to get some friction, easing the ache I felt between my legs. It seemed to only add to Severus’s lust and I let my fingers glide faster up and down his length. I couldn't wait to see the ecstasy on his face, letting himself go completely.

“Fuck!”

The cry left his lips as he came, throwing his head back in pure bliss, his hips still bucking against my hand. Never had I seen that kind of expression on his face, never seen him so at ease. It was mesmerising.

As he came to his senses again, he looked at me, a satisfied smile on his lips. Gently he brought them against mine, hungrily kissing me before I reluctantly pulled back.

“I fear I really have to leave now…”, I whispered against his lips, “I am sorry.”

“I know”, he quickly drew his wand and cleaned up and dressed us both again with a wave of it before kissing me again and pulling me into his arms. “Come back soon.”

“Of course.”


	19. Chapter 19

Sighing I tossed over again, staring out the window of my dormitory. Alex and my classmates were already deeply asleep since it was surely already one in the morning. But I just couldn’t fall asleep. My thoughts were still roaming around Severus, about the intimacy we had shared this morning, the ecstasy I had seen on his face. It had felt so good to be that close to him and I wished that the game would’ve taken longer, long enough for us to be even closer.

Frustrated I closed my eyes. I wouldn’t see him until next weekend, at least not in private. I knew we had to be careful, knew my friends would ask questions if I’d be gone too long or too often but I just wanted to spend more time with him. I just felt so incredibly secure and happy with him.

With another sigh I turned onto my back again. I wished I could be with him right now.

Actually… why couldn’t I just go? Nobody would know I sneaked out if I’d be back before everybody got up. I hadn’t even finished my thought when I was already on my feet, quickly grabbing my dressing robe and wand and slipped into my shoes. As silently as I could I made my way out of the dormitory into the empty common room and to the corridor. I arrived quickly at the Potions Master’s office and raised my wand, tapping against the door three times and entered into the dark room. Swiftly I closed it behind me again and gasped in surprise as I turned around, a glowing tip of a wand pointed to my face.

“Elizabeth!” Quickly Severus lowered his wand. “What in Merlin’s name are you doing here in the middle of the night? I almost cursed you.”

The dark-haired man was dressed as usual, in his long black frock coat. Just his cloak was missing and a few of the upper buttons on his coat had been opened. He had still been awake as well it seemed.

“I am sorry…”, I muttered and blushed slightly, “I… I just missed you.”

The confused look on the young man’s face was replaced by a small smirk.

“Is that so?”

Gently he pulled me into his arms, placing his lips onto mine. Smiling I welcomed them, my hands finding their way to his neck, caressing him softly. It didn’t take long for our kiss to get more passionate, more needy. It seemed that I hadn’t been the only one who had hated the interruption this morning. I could feel him pressing against me, pushing me against the door behind me. I heard the sound of his wand dropping to the floor while his hands found the belt of my dressing gown. Quickly he opened it, just to place his hands on my buttocks, pull me closer to him again.

“Severus…”, I whispered while his lips trailed down to my neck, kissing my jawline. My hand found its way into his hair, clawing into them. I wanted more, needed more. “Can we…?”

He seemed to understand and reluctantly let go of me. With a swift motion he picked up his wand and grabbed my hand, leading me past his office into his private quarters and into his bedroom. I hadn’t been in this room yet, hadn’t seen this part of his Hogwarts home yet. It was smaller than the living room but had a window instead. A closet and a fireplace were lined on the wall to the left, a little heat and light coming off the small flames there. On the other side was a bed, just large enough for two people. The dark green sheets weren’t made and there was a large pile of books on the nightstand right next to it. What made me smile though was the vase there. It contained the chrysanthemum I had gifted him. He hadn’t told me that he had kept it. It seemed he had harboured some affection for me longer than I had suspected.

“I know it’s…”

“It’s perfect”, I whispered, having heard the unease in his voice. Gently I pulled him closer again and kissed him, felt how he relaxed under my touch again. My hands were already fumbling with the buttons of his coat, struggling to open them. I could feel him grin into the kiss before he helped me release him of it. When my hands went for the shirt he was wearing, he stopped me though.

“My turn”, he whispered and the raw tone in his voice made me shiver in anticipation. Carefully he removed my dressing gown, letting it drop to the floor before he spun me around and pressed himself against my back. I could feel his erection pressing against me and couldn’t help but moan when his lips found my neck again.

*****

Softly I caressed the blonde girl’s shoulders, playing with the thin straps of her top, before moving her hair off her neck. My lips wanted to find her sensible skin again, when I saw the white outlines of scars there. Confused I let my fingers wander over the fine lines and realised that they formed a star. It covered the skin of her neck completely and looked almost like it was burned into it.

“I see you found my star.”

Her whisper made me remove my hand of her scarred nape.

“How did you-?”

“I’ve always had it”, she answered and leaned against me again, “Must have happened before I lost my memories. The shape gave me even more reason to suspect magic behind my memory loss.”

I could hear again how much it bothered her and gently wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her even closer.

“I promise you, we will find a way to restore your memory”, I whispered, resting my head on hers. “You will get to know your past.”

With a smile she turned around, meeting my lips with hers again. Her tongue quickly found mine and a deep growl escaped my lips, as my hands carefully wandered beneath her shirt, tracing her waist up until reaching her breasts. Her nipples were hard under my touch and I couldn’t help but pinch them slightly, her moan making me jerk against her. Merlin, I wanted her. Quickly I lifted her onto my arms before laying her down on the bed. A shy smile on her lips she pulled me closer to her again, resuming our kiss while my hands roamed over her body again, crawled under the thin fabric of her shorts just to caress over her damp knickers. The small moan that escaped her lips I felt right in my groins. Our kiss grew more demanding again, while she unbuttoned my shirt. I couldn’t resist any longer either and freed her from her shirt, devouring her naked skin with my eyes.

“Beautiful…”, I whispered, my hands tracing the shape of her breasts. I could see her blush before I replaced my fingers with my lips. Gently I flicked my tongue over her nipple, sucking it into my mouth. The sounds she made, her body arching to meet my mouth aroused me incredibly and I could feel my pants getting even tighter. I couldn’t stop myself from grinding against her body, letting her feel just how much she turned me on, just how much I needed her.

“Sev…”

“Mhm?”

She didn’t answer, just pulled me close again, kissing me desperately while her hand opened my pants, fighting to take them off me. Smirking I helped her undress me before completely undressing her as well. Her light skin almost looked white against the green sheets, her blonde curls spread out on the bed beneath her, lips swollen from the hungry kisses – I had never seen her more beautiful. I had dreamed of this, imagined this but the reality hit me stronger than any fantasy could have prepared me for.

Gently my hand travelled down her body, taking in every inch of her skin finding her folds. I could hear her taking in a sharp breath as I started to circle her clit with my fingers. She was already wet which aroused me even more if that was even possible. What did she do to me?

“Oh god…”, she whispered, her eyes closed, her hands clawing the sheets while I increased the speed of my hand. Her moans grew louder, her body lifting off the bed to meet my touch. It wascompletely mesmerising how I affected her, how I could make her moan my name, groan in frustration when I stopped the movement, tremble when I went faster. But I wanted more. Wanted to hear her cry out my name in lust as she came, wanted to feel it happen. I had never felt this way, never experienced this connection with my former sexual partners. Then again, I had never been in love with them.

“Severus… I want…”

She didn’t finish her sentence but reached for my erection, enclosing her gentle fingers around it. A growl escaped my lips as I withdrew my fingers and replaced them with my cock. Lining up with her entrance, I carefully plunged into her. Centimetre for centimetre I pushed into her. The heat and tightness welcoming me was incredible and I had to restrain myself of pounding into her right away, completely making her mine. Instead I let her adjust to my size as I was buried in her completely, waited until the tension in her face was replaced by hunger again.

When I finally started to move, I couldn’t contain my voice any longer. Moan after moan escaped my lips as I felt her arms wrap around me, pulling me close. I could feel her hips pressing against me, meeting my movement, making me thrust deeper into her.

“Elizabeth…”

“Please…”, she just whispered and I felt all restrain falling off me, my hips rocking faster, deeper into her while my lips met hers. The raw need to possess, to feel her love physically was immense. I couldn’t hold on much longer, my body begging for its release when I felt her nails digging into my back.

“Yes… oh god Severus, yes!”

I felt her tighten around my cock, felt her whole body shiver underneath me, her head thrown back in pure bliss and it was enough to bring me over the edge as well. Her name on my lips I came, spilling my seed deep into her, riding out my high with the last thrusts before my body went limp on hers.

Exhausted and yet with a deep feeling of satisfaction I listened to her breaths as my senses slowly came back to me. Never could I have imagined that feeling her this way would make me understand the depth of our connection, the depth of my feelings for her.

“I’d be delighted if you’d ‘miss’ me more often”, I muttered and shifted off her, lied down next to her, a small a smirk on my lips.

A slight chuckle escaped her lips before she turned to kiss me again. “I know we have to be careful but… can I stay tonight?”

“I insist.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the chapter! ;)
> 
> I have a little announcement: unfortunately the update-frequency will change from each week to every other week. I'm starting a new job on Monday and I suspect it'll steal some of my writing time unfortunately. I promise I'll try to meet my normal frequency as soon as possible. I hope you all keep reading though <3


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I managed 1 1/2 week instead of 2! Thank you for all the love on the last chapter, it made my week <3

  
Soft kisses on my chest were the first thing I felt when I awoke the next morning. Confused I opened my eyes, just to look into the smiling face of Elizabeth.

“Good morning”, she whispered before placing her lips on mine.

“Morning”, I murmured in response and pulled her naked body closer to me when I remembered what had happened last night. Her warm skin against mine felt incredible.

“Did you sleep well?”

“I can honestly say I haven’t slept that well in years”, I answered and enjoyed her knowing smile. My gaze fell out the window. Even though my living quarters were in the dungeons, as the Slytherin common room was, they weren’t facing the lake but were high enough to have some sunlight streaming in. “What time is it? Still seems to be early.”

“It is. It’s barely six, but I have to return to the dormitory before someone wakes up”, she replied and I could see the sadness in her eyes. “I am sorry.”

Quickly I shook my head, pushing a strand of her curls behind her ear. “Don’t be. I understand.”

She nodded slightly and kissed me again before letting me get up. Quickly I picked up my pants and put them on before turning to the shy girl, handing her my hand to help her get out of bed. She smiled at me and wanted to reach for it, when her expression changed in an instant. She froze in her movement, her eyes widened in shock, staring onto my arm. Confused I followed her gaze and my heart stopped for a moment when I saw what she was staring at. Rapidly I covered the inner side of my left arm. Fuck.

“You… you are a-”

“I am not! I mean… I am not... anymore”, I stuttered not knowing how to explain it to her, how to start. Carefully I came closer, wanted to be near her, when she flinched in fear. Hurt I stepped back again. The cold terror in her eyes felt like someone had cast Sectumsempra on me. Was she really scared I’d hurt her? Did she really think I could ever harm her?

Slowly I removed my hand off of my Dark Mark, stared at it. How could I have forgotten? I had been so caught up in yesterday’s moment that I had forgotten about it, forgotten who I was, what I was, forgotten that she would see in the broad daylight what she had missed during the night. Why shouldn’t she be scared having a Death Eater in front of her?

I looked up again when she moved out of bed, quickly gathering her clothes from the floor, dressing as fast as she could. It seemed that she couldn’t get away quick enough from me and it hurt more than I could put into words.

“Please… let me explain”, I pleaded. I couldn’t just leave it this way. I needed her to know that I would never harm her, that I wasn’t who I seemed to be.

“I can’t stay. I really can’t. They’re going to wake up soon”, she answered, her voice just a whisper. It felt like she was slipping from me.

“But-”

“I’ll see you in class”, she said and went for the door. Frozen I watched her leave, unable to react. The fear in her green orbs had hurt me incredibly. Of all people, she was the last one I wanted to be scared of me. I wanted her to feel safe with me, safe and secure. Sighing I sat down on the bed, burying my face in my hands. Why didn’t I tell her yesterday? When she had asked me about Lily? It would’ve been the perfect moment, would’ve made things so much easier. But I had been scared. Scared she wouldn’t understand, scared it was too soon, scared she would reject me, leave me again. We had only been together for a few weeks but she had become so incredibly important to me that the fear of losing her had been too big to tell her.

*****

Breathless I arrived at the dormitory, glad that my classmates were still sleeping. Trying not to make a sound I slipped under the sheets of my bed and closed my eyes. I wasn’t even trying to fall asleep again, my thoughts racing through my mind, trying to make sense of what I had seen. A Death Eater. Severus was a Death Eater – or at least had been. I couldn’t believe that the rumours I had heard were true. It had come up quite a few times in my academic career but I had never believed it. It had seemed ridiculous to me that Professor Dumbledore would employ a former Death Eater. I had read so many books about the First Wizarding War and the atrocities the followers of You-know-who, as well as himself had performed had been so disgusting that the thought Severus could’ve been a part of this had been impossible.

But he obviously had been. It seemed impossible that the man who had been so gentle with me yesterday, who had looked at me with so much love in his eyes could hate Muggle-borns to the point of joining You-know-who’s ranks to get rid of them. I didn’t know if I really was a Muggle-born but to most people in Hogwarts I was, probably even to Severus. Would he have hated me too? If he would’ve met me back then? The thought alone made me nauseous.

_Please… let me explain._

He had sounded desperate, practically begging for me not to leave. I knew I should’ve stayed, should’ve given him the possibility to explain but I had been too shocked, too scared. Not of him hurting me – I knew he never would – but of discovering that if the odds would’ve been different, he would’ve hated me simply for my blood status. The thought brought tears to my eyes. I had watched him sleep this morning, had taken in every relaxed feature of his pale face and replayed the memory of his gentle lips on my skin while a deep wave of affection had hit me. I wasn’t simply in love with him – I loved him. To my heart it hadn’t mattered how little I knew about his past, he had taken a permanent hold in it.

“Liz? You ‘wake?”

Alex’s voice broke through the silence of the dorm, making me swallow the upcoming tears. “Yeah.”

Slowly I sat up and smiled at the sleepy face of my best friend, even though I didn’t feel like it. More than ever I wanted to tell her what was going on in my life, tell her about Severus, about how wonderful our first time had been and about how horribly wrong the morning had begun. It was the first time I hid something that big from my best friend and I knew I had too but at the same time I wanted her advice, wanted her understanding.

“You alright? You look a little pale.”

“Yeah… just had a short night’s sleep.”

“Nightmares?”

I simply nodded. Yes, one could call it a nightmare.

*****

Nervously I stared at the door as her class entered the Potions room in the afternoon. Elizabeth was the last to come in today, closing the door behind her. Her eyes met mine for a second before she looked onto the ground, quickly making her way to her table. I hadn’t expected a different reaction and still I was hit by a wave of pain.

Swallowing hard I tried to close off my feelings while I started to teach the class. As much as I had wanted to see the blonde girl, I still had skipped the meals. I hadn’t trusted myself to be able to put on my mask perfectly so nobody could see my feelings – especially in front of the Headmaster. Elizabeth had made it so easy for me to drop my mask, to let go, that being the dark, distant Potions Master was getting harder with her being around.

The class felt to be going on forever. I made the students brew something to be able to circle the tables and ended up staying close to Elizabeth and her friends. Nevertheless she avoided to look at me and when the class was finally coming to an end, I hesitated for a moment. Would she stay and listen if I asked her too? Or had I misused her blind trust too much? There was just one way to find out.

“Miss Brighton… a word”, I said and tried to keep my voice as steady as possible. She seemed to have expected it and just nodded silently while her classmates left the room. When the last one was gone, I shut the door tight with a wave of my wand, casting an additional Muffliato on it as well.

The blonde girl was still standing in front of me, nevertheless still unable to look at me it seemed. Her mesmerising green eyes were staring to the ground, her hands fumbling with her long curls. I couldn’t help thinking about last night, when they had been spread across my bed, like a golden waterfall, when we had been so close. She felt so far right now.

“I am sorry for storming out this morning”, she whispered and I was relieved that she talked.

“I understand”, I simply replied, wanting to take her into my arms but didn’t dare to. “You had every right.”

Quickly she shook her head and looked at me again, her eyes were filled with tears. My hand jerked forward, wanting to pull her into my arms but I quickly withdrew again. I wouldn’t be able to bear seeing her flinch away from me again.

“No I didn’t. I should at least have given you the chance to explain. I just… panicked”, she whispered. “I have heard the rumours of course but I never would’ve guessed, never would’ve imagined…”

“I am sorry that I didn’t live up to your imagination”, I answered a sad smile on my lips. “Even though I am not a Death Eater anymore, even though I became a spy for the Headmaster before the Dark Lord fell, I still can’t deny choosing that path years ago.”

“Why did you?”

Her green eyes seemed to scan me, trying to understand and I was glad for the chance to explain and scared about her reaction at the same time.

“I have never been very popular at school as you can imagine and was constantly bullied. In return I associated myself with the wrong people. I thought becoming one of them would give me the power I thought I needed to protect myself, would let me gain the respect I sought… but I was mistaken. Horribly. They took more from me that they could’ve ever given me.” My thoughts roamed to Lily, roamed to the night I had found her dead body, the night I thought every possibility of happiness had died. I felt the pain and guilt rising inside me. I should tell her about it, should tell her about Lily, about how I was responsible for her death and let her be free of me. Before I destroyed her too, before I dragged her with me into the abyss. She deserved so much better than me.

“That's why you switched sides?”, she asked and I simply nodded. I wanted to take her into my arms, wanted to feel her close to me again but I still didn’t dare. She hadn’t forgiven me yet, I didn’t even know if she would or if it was simply too much. If she didn’t want me anymore, cut me out of her life again. Just thinking about her leaving me again...

“So… you never thought less of me because of my blood status? You didn't believe in that ideology?”  
Surprised I looked at her, could see the fear in her eyes. It was the same as this morning. That was, what she had been scared of? Of me thinking less of her?

“I... I repeated what my 'friends' said when I was a teenager but I never really believed it. My best friend at that time... my only real friend... she was a muggle-born”, I whispered and looked onto the floor. “If I have ever given you the feeling that I thought less of you because of your parents, I am more than sorry, Elizabeth. It was never my intention.”

The next thing I felt was Elizabeth's hand on my cheek before she placed her lips on mine. Perplexed I stared at her before wrapping my arms around her, pulling her close. Desperately I returned her kiss, hungry for her love, having been so incredibly scared to lose it. When we broke apart again, she gently ran her fingers through my hair before placing her hand on my chest. Carefully I reached for it, taking it into mine.

“There’s one more thing I have to tell you-”

“No”, she interrupted me. “You don’t _have_ to tell me anything. I know that you’re not one of them anymore and I can see that you regret your past, that you have suffered. I don’t need to know more for now. Tell me when you are ready, not because you think you are obliged to do so.”

Surprised I looked at her. She was still so gentle with me, so understanding despite everything. She seemed to always feel when I couldn’t tell her something, when I wasn’t ready to open up. She never complained about it. She still didn’t know a lot about me or my past but trusted me nevertheless. I didn’t know how I deserved her with all the terrible things I had done but I was incredibly thankful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to do the next update in 1 1/2 weeks again but it could be that it's going to be 2 weeks after all. Bear with me please, I'll hopefully be back to a weekly update in March!


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your love on the last chapter, it really motivates me to meet my weekly schedule again <3

  
“So who is he?”

“Hm?” Confused I looked up from my breakfast and into the light blue eyes of Alex who was sitting across from me at the Slytherin table and had obviously been watching me for a while.

“Your secret boyfriend – who is he?”

I blushed slightly. “What are you talking about? You know I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Oh come on, you’ve basically been floating for the last weeks”, she said and pushed her plate away. “Even Ed noticed that something was off. And when does that happen?”

“Hey!”, the dark-haired boy protested. “ _I_ was the one who called your attention to it!”

“Potato potato, the question is why hasn’t she told us about him yet?”

“Because there is no one!”, I answered with a sigh and still had to hide the slight fear in my voice. They couldn’t find out even though I really wanted to tell them. Having a secret from them felt incredibly wrong, I’ve always shared everything with them but in that case I simply couldn’t.

“Maybe she finally gave in to Scott’s begging?”

“Not a chance, he’s still staring longingly at her whenever he sees her”, Alex answered and peeked over to the Gryffindor table. “And she shot him down just yesterday. He asked her out again.”

"Again? That makes how many times?”

‘Seven’, I thought to myself and turned around to catch a glimpse of Oliver, who noticed it right away. He shot me a smile and waved at me, making me quickly turn towards my friends and sigh again. The Gryffindor seriously had lived up to his promise to try to convince me that he is the right one for me. He had asked me out, over and over again and when I refused he had resorted to spend time with me in the library or accompany me in the halls. Unfortunately Severus had been a witness of these interactions quite a few times which had left him furious afterwards.

_“Why can't that idiot just leave you be?! How many times do you have to tell him that you are not interested?”_

_“I don't know, Sev.”, I had whispered and taken his face into my hands. “It doesn’t matter anyway. I want to be with you – just you.”_

_“It matters!”, he had pressed between his lips, still he had pulled me into his arms, hugged me tightly. “A 'no' should be fucking enough! Especially multiple one’s.”_

The whole situation had lead to Severus deducting housepoints from Oliver whenever he could, to give him detention for the slightest misbehaviour – just to make him stay away from me. I had told him that it might look suspicious if he kept doing it but he wouldn't listen when it came to that. Still I had to admit that him being jealous was quite adorable.

I looked at my friends again who were bickering now if my ‘secret boyfriend’ was better or worse than the Gryffindor Quidditch Captain. Quickly I took the opportunity to steal myself away from the table, taking a glance at the head table where Severus was in a deep conversation with Professor McGonagall.

A soft smile on my lips I left the Great Hall and made my way up to the seventh floor of the castle. It was still early on this Sunday and no one crossed me until I arrived at the Room of Requirements. I sneaked through the door after it appeared and was already enveloped by the the scents of the potions and ingredients. I hadn’t been here for a while, had spent almost all of my free time with Severus in the last few weeks.

I had to smile at the thought of it. After I had found out about his dark mark he had changed even more towards me. He had opened up more, had shown me more affection and love. It seemed to only have deepened our bond.

We had naturally spent more time with each other between the sheets as well and the thought alone made me shiver. Each time he found a new way to surprise me, a new way to show me how passionate he was, what he hid behind that cold mask of his. Still I loved the moments afterwards the most, when I was in Severus’s arms, when he was completely relaxed, had completely let go. I could feel his vulnerability in those moments, could feel his real self and it made me love him even more.

My friends were right – I had been floating for the last few weeks. Severus just made me incredibly happy. I would see him later today, he had to attend a meeting with the Headmaster this morning. I was a little concerned because I suspected Professor Dumbledore to know everything about the two of us  and would intervene but Severus had told me not to worry.

Slowly I made my way further into the room, to the Felix Felicis, proud to see it was finally golden. I had done it, I really had managed to brew liquid luck. Swiftly I conjured some vials and filled them with the potion. I had to take them to Severus, to show him that I succeeded when I sneaked into his office later.

A little sigh escaped my lips while I stared into the liquid. I wished it would be easier for us, I would love to take the dark-haired man on a real date or simply spend time with him outside of his office but it wasn’t possible.

Deep in thoughts I walked over to the shelf where I stored my finished potions and placed all but one vial on there. My eyes quickly found the dark blue potion then. Hesitantly I took it down, examined it. Since the fateful night of our first kiss I hadn’t thought too much about the memory potion anymore. So much had been happening in my life that the present had been more intriguing than the past. Additionally I had told Severus I wouldn’t take the enhanced potion we brewed. He was way too concerned about the side effects, about seeing me in pain. Still he hadn’t had the time yet to live up to his promise of finding another way of restoring my memory.

Again I turned the flask in my hands. It seemed like I held my own memories in them. It had worked after all, had helped me remember – something. I was sure that I simply needed some more and I would finally know who I was. I wasn’t too worried about the side effects. The pain had been horrible, yes, but it had been just a moment before it had been gone. I could bear it.

Quickly I uncorked the bottle and brought it to my lips, drank the liquid completely. At first nothing happened before the pain ripped through my head again. The intensity was incredible, seemingly setting my whole body on fire. Screaming I fell on my knees, pictures streaming into my head, quicker than I could process them. I couldn’t tell what I was seeing – it was too much, too quickly. Heavily breathing I completely broke down on the floor unable to move, unable to think while I felt darkness and cold enveloping me and my mind drifted off into an emptiness.

*****

Again I took a look at the clock above the fireplace. It was already lunch time, she had wanted to be here an hour ago. I was used to her being a little late because she had to wait until she could sneak away but this was just not her. Something was off. 

Worried I rose from my desk and made my way out of the office, not quite sure which way to go. I couldn’t storm into the common room searching for a student without people asking questions. And somehow I knew she wouldn’t be there. She wouldn’t be that late then. Maybe she was in the library? Maybe she had found a new book and had forgotten the time? Or maybe Scott was annoying her again? I growled at the thought of it and at the same time I caught myself hoping for it.

Brooding I made my way up to the library and didn’t notice that the few students in the castle evaded me even more than usual upon seeing my expression.

“Sorry, Hannah, but I am not interested.”

I rolled my eyes when I heard the voice coming from around the corner where the entrance to the library was. Scott.

“Why? Is it because of that geek Brighton?!”

I could merely suppress a growl. Wilson. I hadn’t forgotten about her attacking Elizabeth. Minerva had punished her thoroughly, I had made sure of that. Quickly I stepped into an empty classroom. I needed to hear this.

“Stop calling her a geek!”, Scott hissed. The voices were coming closer. “And I don’t see how this is any of your business.”

“It is my business since you’re making a fool of yourself! Of our whole house! Tell me that you didn’t just look for her in the library! She got you so whipped, you don’t even realise it”, the girl spat. “I seriously don’t understand why though. She is a dirty Slytherin, so unpopular that most of the school doesn’t even know her name.”

“Would you finally shut up? You don’t know anything about her. She is incredibly smart and sweet. I couldn’t care less if she is unpopular. I am in love with her.”

It was the last thing I heard before the voices were too far away. My jaw was clenched while I stood there for a while. I had hoped Scott was simply interested in her because she kept shooting him down but I wouldn’t have anticipated that he could have deeper feelings for her.

Quickly I shook my head. It didn’t matter right now. I had to find her first, needed to know where she was, if she was alright. She had become so essential to me, had become so incredible important to me that just the thought of anything bad happening to her awoke the fear in me.

‘No’, I thought to myself, shaking my head. She would be fine, she just had to be. But where could she be? Maybe in her Potions Paradise? Was she brewing? That would be possible, she wouldn’t leave there if her potion wasn’t finished. A small smile appeared on my lips – she looked quite adorable when she was concentrated on her work.

I made my way up to the seventh floor, a little quicker than I would’ve normally and used the trick she had told me about to enter the room.

“Elizabeth?”

My voice echoed in the empty room. She wasn’t here either. Sighing I was about to turn around when I saw something in the corner of my eye. A vial with a golden liquid shimmering from one of the tables. I quickly made my way through the room and examined it.

I couldn’t hide my smile. Extraordinary. She had actually managed to brew it. She had even beaten me to it. I hadn’t managed to brew liquid luck until my seventh year. She was really something else.

Slowly I put the vial down again, when I noticed an empty flask next to the shelf with her finished work. Confused I walked over and wanted to pick it up when I saw the fragile, motionless figure of Elizabeth on the floor.


	22. Chapter 22

 

Speechless I stared at the girl, while everything was replaced by emptiness for a moment before the full force of my feelings hit me again, like a bludger to the guts.

“Elizabeth!!”

I rushed towards her, falling onto the ground next to her and gently lifted her onto my arms. Her skin felt like ice to my touch and her complexion was paler than I had ever seen it. Even her lips were slowly turning blue and I felt fear enveloping me. Was she…? No. No, she couldn’t. I couldn’t lose… no, not again.

My hand was shaking incredibly as I placed my fingers on her carotid, feeling for a pulse. The faint beat I felt made me press her even closer to me. She was alive.

Quickly I picked her up and rushed out of the room and down the stairs. I didn’t care about the bewildered looks of students and staff on my way to the hospital wing. The only thing important to me right now was in my arms.

“Poppy!”, I roared through the empty room and placed the blonde girl onto a vacant bed. She still hadn’t moved, still hadn’t shown any sign of life and it scared me incredibly. Alerted the nurse joined me from her office, stared at the pale girl. “Severus? What happened?”

“I don’t know”, I whispered and tried to control the tremor in my voice. “I found her this way, there was just an empty bottle next to her.”

“A potion?”, she asked and waved her wand over the girl, muttering incantations to reveal the source of her condition. “It seems that her body is in shock but she doesn’t have a wound, not even a scratch.”

Worried I looked down on the girl, wanted to shake her, to wake her up somehow. The fear made it almost impossible for me to act like she was another student, to think straight. But I had to focus. I had to focus for her, needed to find out what she had. With a deep breath I tried to occlude my mind, tried to put my shields up to not feel but to be able to think. She had taken a potion that much was obvious. But which? Which potion could have such an impact? I had never heard of a potion that could inflict a shock. It either would have to inflict a wound for that or pain, a great deal of it.

My eyes flew open. Pain. It was as I could hear her scream again. The memory potion. Just a ladle full had made her scream in agony what if… had she drunk the whole bottle?!

“What about pain?”

“Pain?”, Poppy asked confused. “What about it?”

“What if she was exposed to a great deal of pain… that could inflict a shock, couldn’t it?”

“That could be possible”, she answered and stared at me while I rushed to the cabinet where the Potions were stored and grabbed a few vials. I brought them over to the girl, uncorking the pain reliever. Carefully I brought it to her lips, poured it into her mouth. When the flask was empty I reached for the second one. Gently I gave her a few drops with the pipette – it was a quite strong potion for her circulation.

When I was finished with the third vial, a strengthening potion, I stared awaiting at the blonde girl who still didn’t move. I felt how my shields dropped again, how the fear reemerged. I couldn’t lose her. I had lost my love once, I couldn’t…

“Sev…”

I felt my heart skip a beat when I heard it. Elizabeth had opened her eyes, looking weakly my way.

“Leave us”, I said to Poppy, wanted to be alone with the blonde girl.

“What? I don’t-”

“It wasn’t a request”, I hissed and glared at her until she had reluctantly left us alone and returned to her office.

“I am so sorry”, I heard the faint voice of Elizabeth, felt her hand brush mine in a weak attempt to grab it. Quickly I put hers into mine, sat down next to her on the bed.

“What happened?”

“Memory potion”, she whispered, obviously struggling to remain conscious. “Took too much. Incredible pain.”

“I told you not to, I told you we’d find another way!”

“I know… so sorry… just wanted to know…”

“Never mind now, we’ll talk when you feel better”, I said. I knew I would scold her later, would condemn her for being so foolish but for now I was just relieved. She would recover.

“Forgive me… didn’t want to upset you”, she murmured before she closed her eyes again, the talk obviously being too much for her in her weakened state.

“Silly girl”, I muttered and gently stroked through her hair. “Just get well again.”

 

I hadn’t wanted to leave her alone but after the scene I had made, I didn’t have another choice. I couldn’t risk for Hogwarts’ matron to suspect more than she probably already did. So I had left the hospital wing again and just asked her to report any change of Miss Brighton’s condition to me. Nevertheless the way to my office felt wrong. I wanted to be close to her, wanted to take care of her, not even leave her out of sight for a second. But I couldn’t. More than ever I hated the secrecy that came with our relationship. It didn’t matter that she was of age already, she was still my student and until she graduated we would have to keep our involvement a secret.

With a sigh I entered my office and closed the door behind me. I took a seat at my desk before I closed my eyes in exhaustion. I felt drained, the unexpected stream of emotions had been too much for me. I had slowly learned in the last few months to let myself feel again, to show her those feelings as well but it had been mostly pleasant ones. The cold fear I had undergone today was different. The moment I had seen her lying on the floor, I had been taken aback to Godric’s Hollow. For a second I had seen red instead of blonde hair, had heard a baby’s cry... Shivering I placed my hands over my face. I hadn’t thought that I would ever feel that scared again, that I would ever feel so deeply for someone again that losing them felt like being ripped apart. I hadn’t realised that I wasn’t simply in love with Elizabeth but I loved her. With all my heart.

*****

“Hi Liz!”

Sighing but with a smile I sat up and looked into the grinning face of the Gryffindor Quidditch Captain who just entered the Hospital wing.

“Hello, Oliver”, I greeted him as well. “I’d say long time no see but it’s been quite literally eight hours.”

Oliver had visited me every day since I had wound up in the hospital wing five day ago. He was here every morning before class started, popped by during lunchtime and then spent the evening after dinner with me until Madam Pomfrey made him leave. It was quite adorable how worried he was about me but he couldn’t replace the man I actually longed to see.

“Well I promised you last night, I’d be back this morning”, he said shrugging before he sat downon the chair next to my bed. “Somebody needs to keep an eye on you after all if you experiment on yourself with unsafe potions!”

“It wasn't an unsafe potion, I simply overdosed”, I said and rolled my eyes at him. “And I will not be berated about my Potion making skills from somebody who had a D in his Potions O.W.L.s!”

“Alright, alright”, he said and lifted his hands in an apologetic gesture. “So how is my favourite girl on this lovely day? Did you sleep well?”

“I did.”

I had dreamt about Severus after all. I hadn’t seen him since he had brought me to the Hospital wing. I knew he couldn't just visit me but nevertheless I missed and wanted to see him. I had seen the fear in his eyes when I had woken up and it felt like I needed to assure him that I was better, that I would be fine.

“Liz?”

“Huh?”

“Who brought you the flower?”

Confused I followed Oliver’s gaze to my nightstand. A red chrysanthemum was laying there. 

_Severus._

Smiling I took it off the small table and brought it to my chest. He must have been here last night. The thought alone filled me with love. I just wished he would’ve waken me, would’ve made me aware of his presence.

“Who is it from?”

“I don’t know, maybe I have a secret admirer”, I whispered with a wink and could see the colour drain from Oliver’s face before he quickly regained his composure.

“One that only sends gifts instead of visiting you”, he noted irritated. “I never saw anyone but your friends here.”

I could hear the discontent in his voice and had to hide a smirk. Seemed like the jealousy went both ways. 

*****

It took almost a week until the blonde girl was released from the hospital wing. I had only been able to visit her during the nights when I could sneak in without Poppy being able to see me.Elizabeth had always been asleep when I was there, obviously her body being in need of it after the ordeal she had suffered through. So I had resorted to simply watch her sleep till the sun came up.

I had informed her friends as soon as possible to make sure that she wouldn't be alone during the day, so she had visitors. Unfortunately they had informed Scott as well who seemed to spend the most time with her. It hadn’t added to my already strained mood. Knowing that he was actually in love with her and got to spend as much time as he wanted in her presence made me furious. It should be me at her side not him.

When she had finally been allowed to return to her common room, I had already waited at my office door, quickly pulling her into the room as she was about to pass.

“Don’t _ever_ do something so careless again”, I whispered and tightened my arms around her, pressing her even closer to me. I had been so scared to never be able to hold her that way again.

“I am sorry, Sev”, she muttered against my chest. “Truly I am. I just wanted to know…”

Slowly I let go of her, letting my fingers run through her curls. “Did it work at least? Do you remember anything?”

The girl sighed in frustration and shook her head. “I made the mistake of drinking everything at once. It was as a dam broke, I couldn’t make out something.”

Silently I watched her. I had wanted to berate her more, to scold her but the sadness in her eyes seemed to punish her enough.

“I will start researching again”, I whispered and gently lifted her chin, to make her look into my eyes. “I promised you, I will find a way and I will.”

A soft smile appeared on her lips. “Thank you, Sev.”

“But promise me something in return: no more attempts on your own. If we try something, we’ll do it together”, I said and pulled her closer again. “When I saw you lying there… the thought of losing-”

She didn’t let me finish but pressed her lips against mine. The kiss had been everything I needed and yet it couldn’t possibly be enough. I couldn’t lose her – ever. She was my beacon in the night, my own personal sun, the light to my darkness.

“I love you.”

It had slipped over my lips before I could’ve thought about it. I could see her eyes widen in astonishment before the warmest smile I had ever seen appeared on her lips.

“I love you too, Severus.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the love on the last chapter, you have no idea what it means to me <3  
> I think I might be able to post weekly again – I'll try at least!


	23. Chapter 23

 

“Severus…”, I whispered, while he dragged his tongue over my neck, gently sucking on it. “If somebody comes…”

The dark-haired man just grunted, nevertheless didn't let go of me. He had pulled me into the secret passageway just a few moments ago while I was walking down the hallway. Scared I had wanted to scream but had been cut off by his hungry kiss. He had pressed me against the wall, had devoured me with his lips. And despite the risk of getting caught, I had just given in. I had missed him, the tight schedule of the last weeks before the end of the year hadn’t left any time for us to see each other. 

“I missed you”, he said with his lips against my throat and a shiver ran down my spine. He made it extremely hard to think straight. His hands had slithered under my robes, finding the hem of my skirt before coming to a rest on my buttocks, pulling me against him.

“I miss you too, love”, I whispered, fighting my own desire, my hands on his chest. “But if somebody sees us...”

Sighing he finally retreated and brought a healthy professor-student-distance between us again but still reached out to cup my cheek in his hand. Gently he caressed my skin and I simply leaned into his touch, enjoyed feeling him. Seeing him everyday but not being able to be close to him was torture.

“Will you join me on Sunday?”

“I promised Alex to be at the last game. And you can’t miss it either, you are Head of House.”

I could see the discontent on his face but he nodded anyway. I knew it wasn’t long till summerbreak anymore which meant we wouldn’t see each other for another eight weeks.

“What about Saturday afternoon?”

“Staff meeting.”

Annoyed I sighed. It had been forever that we had spend an afternoon with each other, even longer since I had spent a night with him.

“Liz?”

“Where are you?”

Panicked we looked at each other. It was Edward and Alex. We had been on our way to the library, the two of them walking a few steps in front of me while I had been reading, when Severus had snatched me. They seemed to finally have realised that I was gone.

“I have to go.”

“But-”

“I’ll send you a message”, I replied and turned around. Before I could go though he pulled me close, placing his lips on mine again.

“Liz?!”

The voice of my friends came closer and the dark-haired man finally let go of me. Quickly I left the secret corridor through the tapestry, stumbling into the hallway, right in front of my friends.

“Where the hell have you been?”

“Um… I lost track reading and wanted to take the passageway to the library…”, I tried to explain but could see that they didn’t believe a word I said.

“Really? Because you look like something attacked you”, Edward said, scanning my disheveled hair and robes.

“I fell down the stairs.”

“And your lipgloss is smeared because…?”, Alex added and I could feel my cheeks getting hot. I was busted.

“Ha! I knew it! Let’s see who is waiting behind there!”

Before I could stop my best friend, she had pulled away the tapestry and to my surprise and relief the passageway was empty. Severus had obviously taken the other way.

“Seems like your lover left already.”

“I don't know how many times I have to say it... there’s no lover, Alex.”

“Sure, sure. Don't even try to start this discussion again. Why don’t you just tell us who it is? I thought we are your best friends.”

“You are!”, I answered with a sigh. “But there is no one.”

“I guess we have to find out ourselves, Alex”, Edward just said. “Now come on you two, we need to finish this essay for McGonagall, so we’ll be free for the weekend.”

Happy about the change of subject I nodded and took the lead towards the library. That had been a close one.

*****

Breathless I leaned against a wall, two floors beneath the passageway that I had pulled Elizabeth into. What had I been thinking? If somebody would've seen us...

Sighing I closed my eyes. What did she do to me? I had missed her presence so much that I simply had to pull her into the passageway when I had seen her, had needed to feel her lips, her body against mine. It seemed that she was running through my veins, was coursing through my body with every heartbeat. I had completely and utterly fallen for her. She seemed to be constantly in my thoughts. I had never experienced something like that before. Even when I had realised that I had been in love with Lily, it hadn't been this way. I had thought of her of course but she hadn't occupied my thoughts all the time, I hadn't felt the unbearable need to have her constantly by my side. Then again, Lily had never returned my feelings.

Surprised I opened my eyes and stared into the empty hallway.

_Lily had never returned my feelings._

Again and again I repeated the thought in my head and grew more bewildered each time. Where was it? Where was the burning pain that always accompanied the thought of her lack of love for me? I couldn't feel it. Instead there was only a dull ache, a muffled insult. How did that happen? Was it because of Elizabeth? Because for the first time in my life somebody loved me, was in love with me? It seemed like it.

A small smile on my lips, I made my way down to the dungeons. I had wondered in the last weeks, especially after I had told Elizabeth that I loved her, what I was still feeling for my first love. Lily had been the first person who had really cared for me and that would never change and a part of me would always love her for that, always care for her, always keep the promise to protect her son. My patronus would always be a doe. But my heart had moved on, it wasn’t hers anymore. No, it now belonged to the blonde girl who had healed it.

*****

“Liz!”, was the first thing I heard when I entered the Great Hall Sunday morning together with Alex. Confused I looked around and saw Oliver running towards us, wearing his bright red Quidditch cloak.

“Good morning”, I greeted him, a little annoyed. Ever since he had figured out that he had a rival, he had been even more vigorous in his attempts of asking me out. Luckily I could decline easily at the moment because the exams were that close. ‘I have to learn’ was a well accepted answer coming from me. 

“I had an idea”, he began, looking at Alex who was in her green Chaser robes. “If your friend here and her team manage to win today’s game and the Quidditch Cup, I will stop asking you out…”

“That would be great.”

“…but if Gryffindor wins, you owe me a date _and_ a kiss.”

“What?! No way!”

The boy started grinning and folded his arms in front of him. “Don’t you believe in your friend and house? I mean I’d understand it of course. Gryffindor has the best Quidditch team after all…”

“Of course I do believe in them but-”

“She accepts!”, Alex interrupted and I could see the fire in her eyes. “And I will kick your ass on the field!”

“Perfect. I will fetch my kiss after the game then”, he said with a wink and returned to the cheering Gryffindor table.

Furious I grabbed the arm of my best friend, wanting to pull her out of the Great Hall to scold her, when I saw who was standing behind us. Severus.

The jaw of the Potions Master was clenched while his angry gaze wandered from Oliver towards me and back. He looked like he was ready to kill.

“Professor...”, I started, not sure what to say but I couldn’t leave it this way.

“Roberts”, he pressed between his lips. “You better win.”

And without another word he passed the two of us to make his way to the teacher’s table. Sadly I looked at him, wanted to hug him, wanted to assure him that I loved him. I felt like he needed to hear it.

“If I wouldn’t know it any better”, Alex said confused and looked at me. “Someone could think he is a jealous boyfriend.”

I could feel the heat rise in my cheeks again and tried to control it but it was too late. Alex’s eyes widened in shock and she looked back to the Potions Master who had taken his seat, still looking furious and again into my bright red face. But before she could open her mouth I finally pulled her out of the Great Hall and into a broom closet nearby, shut the door behind us and casted a quick silencing charm on it.

“ _Snape?!_ Snape is your lover?!”

“Alex…”

“But… but... he is a teacher!”

“I can explain…”

“And… it’s Snape!”

“ALEX!” I took a deep breath, happy that she finally had stopped talking. “I will explain it to you, promised, but you can not tell anyone. Not even Edward. No one.”

“But-”

“Promise me, please.”

She nodded. “Of course, Liz, I promise… but since when has this been going on?”

“Since Mid-March.”

“Three months?!”

I sighed again. “Yes… but we don’t have time to talk about it now. You have a game to win.”

The brown-haired girl seemed to finally realize what she had done by accepting Oliver’s bet. “Oh crap, Liz, I am sorry. I would’ve never accepted the bet, if I…” She stopped and grew a little paler. “Snape is going to kill me, if we lose right?”

I couldn’t hide an amused smile. “Might happen. He is the jealous type.”

“That… sounds a little gross to be honest.”

“Alex…”

“Yes, I will shut up now. And keep it a secret of course. And I will win the game, promised!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seems like I am back to a weekly update rate again – I'll try to keep it that way! 
> 
> Let me know how you liked the chapter in the comments <3


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the love on the last chapter! You have no idea how much it means to me <3

Horrified I looked down onto the Quidditch pitch were the players just landed, the red team hoisting their seeker onto the shoulders while the crowd chanted “Gryffindor!”. This could not be happening. Slytherin had been in the lead almost the whole game. Alex had made one goal after the other, obviously desperate to keep her promise – just to be beaten by Gryffindor’s seeker, Charlie Weasley. He had closed the gap between the points, making Slytherin lose by just 10 points.

“Shit”, I muttered and looked down as Professor Dumbledore came down to the pitch, the trophy in his hands. Next to him was an extremely satisfied Professor McGonagall and on the other side I could see the almost petrified face of the Potions Master.

“I have never seen Snape look that unhappy”, Edward muttered next to me. “It’s not the first time we lost but I have never seen that expression on his face. He looks like he would like to kill someone.”

With a deep sigh I closed my eyes. I knew by now how jealous my boyfriend could get, especially when it came to Oliver. He still hadn't stopped giving him detention whenever he could to vent his anger. He was still furious whenever he saw us together and I had the feeling that this bet would be the last drop.

“Come on, let’s go down and get Alex. She’s probably really down”, Edward said and pulled me down with him to leave the ranks of the Quidditch pitch. As we arrived at the exit, the defeated Slytherin team made their way out, our best friend with them.

“Liz, I am so sorry”, was the only thing Alex said before she hugged me tightly.

“It’s okay, you have seriously given your best”, I replied. “You were incredible and did kick his ass, you know?”

I heard her chuckle slightly before she let go. “But the bet…”

Quickly I shook my head, I didn’t want to talk about it right now. “Let’s go to the common room.”

The three of us followed the Slytherin team back to the castle while Edward was going on and on about the goals Alex had made. I couldn’t contain a smile. How did she not see what he felt for her? It's become more and more obvious that our best friend had feelings for Alex – just not to her it seemed.

As we almost reached the entrance, I heard my name again and rolled my eyes. Not now.

I turned around and faced the Gryffindor Quidditch Captain, who had obviously raced up to the castle, panting heavily. He seemed to have left his team behind just to reach us.

“Shouldn’t you be with your team, Oliver?”, I asked, hoping he would feel bad enough to go back and celebrate with them.

“Oh, I will, don’t worry”, he said grinning. “Great game, Roberts, you almost won.”

Alex next to me just growled silently. “Come on Ed.”

And before I could say something she had pulled Edward with her into the castle, leaving Oliver and me standing outside.

“I think you know what I came for.”

I sighed again. “Seriously Oliver, can we just forget about that? How many times do I have to tell you that I am not interested.”

“A bet is a bet, Liz. And I am pretty sure I can change your mind if you’d give me another chance”, he replied. “With the date of course. The kiss is just an extra.”

I rolled my eyes and sighed again in frustration, when I suddenly felt a hand on my arm. Confused I looked up and into Oliver’s face who was incredibly close. And before I could’ve said something he had placed his lips on mine.

*****

Furious I stared at the boy who was kissing the blonde girl, unable to move, unable to say something. I had been about to enter the castle, when I had seen the two standing there, in the corner of the courtyard. How dared he?! My right hand was clenched around my wand, ready to attack. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t just attack him as much as he deserved it. Nobody knew about us, nobody could know. And me cursing him until he was a whimpering pile of lumps would not be helpful in concealing our relationship.

“That was incredible”, Scott whispered when Elizabeth pushed him away, his cheeks slightly red and I wanted to hex him into oblivion just for that. I knew best just how wonderful a kiss of her felt and he didn’t deserve it.

The blonde girl closed her eyes for a second, before she looked up again. She wanted to say something when she discovered me standing there. Her eyes seemed to send a thousand apologies and I couldn’t bear to look at them any longer and made my way into the castle. It wasn’t fair. If she wouldn’t be my student, I would’ve made sure that everybody knew about our relationship that no one dared to lay a finger on her. But the way it was, she couldn’t even say that she wasn’t single and had to deal with arrogant blokes as Scott.

Angry and hurt I reached my office and slammed the door behind me. Quickly I went for the firewhiskey in my desk, pouring me a glass and downing it right away to numb the pain. As I was about to pour another one I could hear a faint knock on the door.

“Professor Snape?”

It was the voice of Elizabeth. Her using my title again felt like someone additionally twisted the knife.

“Sev, please.”

The pain in the slight whisper hurt me as well and with a wave of my hand I unlocked the door for her, letting her enter. The blonde girl slid into the room, quickly locking the door behind her again, before she turned around. Her green eyes were full of guilt.

“I am so sorry, Sev.”

“Never mind”, I replied and poured another glass of alcohol, downing that one even faster.

“I _do_ mind”, she said and came closer. Carefully she took the glass out of my hand, placed it onto the desk. “You are hurting.”

“I…”, I started and fought with myself. “He is a…!”

“I know.”

“Did you enjoy it?” My hurt pride had formed the words before I could have thought about it. I could see how the question hurt her in return and she stepped back a little.

“Of course not”, she whispered. “You know that I love _you_.”

“I know… I am sorry, I just…” I took a deep breath and sat down behind my desk, closed my eyes. I just hated this situation, hated that nobody could know about us.

I opened my eyes again, when I felt her hand on my cheek, an understanding look on her face. Gently she placed her lips on mine and I couldn’t help but kiss her hard, pulled her onto my lap. I needed to feel her love, needed her close to me.

She seemed to feel it and before I knew what she was doing, she had opened my pants, freeing my cock from them.

“You don’t…”, I tried but she had already kneeled down in front of me and licked over the tip of my cock, making me moan. Gently she wrapped her lips around it, drawing it in and I closed my eyes. The sensation of her hot, wet mouth was incredible. I could feel her tongue circling my head before she started moving her head, sucked it in deeper while her hand wrapped around what she couldn't fit into her mouth.

The view was breathtaking and I could feel myself growing harder with each passing second. Seeing her full lips around my erection, her green eyes darting mine while she took me deeper and deeper before releasing me and repeating the game drove me almost mad with lust.

“Elizabeth”, I whispered and reached for her head, buried my shaking fingers into her hair. Slowly I guided her, tried to be gentle but couldn’t restrain myself for very long. I started bucking my hips in response with her movement.

When I couldn’t take it anymore, I gently pulled her up, just to lay her down onto my desk. I needed her to feel me, needed to feel her in return. It had been too long, had been too much to see her being kissed by someone else.

She seemed to feel it, seemed to know. Her green eyes found mine while she parted her legs, pulled me closer.

“Take me.”

It didn’t need more than that. Violently I reached under her skirt to push her knickers aside before plunging into her. She couldn’t contain a scream as I started to pound her into the table. I reached for her hips, held her in place as I went deeper and faster. She moaned in response, repeating my name like a mantra while scrolls and quills fell from the desk.

Heavily breathing I bent over her, found her lips in a hungry kiss while my thumb found her swollen clit. She groaned into the kiss as I started to circle it, her arms wrapping around me and pulling me closer.

“Mine”, I growled next to her ear. “You are mine.”

“Only yours”, she moaned and I didn’t need more. With a loud groan I came and felt her tighten around me not a second later, her body arching to meet mine. Together we rode out our high, bodies intertwined as if we were one.

“I love you”, I heard her whisper after a while. With a smile I looked at her and kissed her softly before I slowly pulled back, helped her sit up on the desk. Gently I straightened her hair and clothes after I had dressed myself again before stealing another kiss.

“I assume you can’t stay?”

She shook her head with a sigh. “I am guessing there is a ‘We-hate-Gryffindor’-party today.”

“Intriguing. I might have to join”, I replied and enjoyed her chuckle.

“I’d rather spent my time with you, believe me.”

Silently I observed her face before taking a strand of her curls between my fingers. “I wish…”

“You wish…?”

“I wish we could simply spend time together”, I whispered and twirled her hair around my index.

“Careful what you wish for.”

Confused I looked at her and was surprised to see a smirk on her face. “Are you staying in Hogwarts over the summer?”

“No. Why?”

“Well, I got a letter this morning before the game. My parents won’t be home for the summer.” Her face lost a little of the happiness. “So, if you’d like to spent time with each other…”

She couldn’t even finish her sentences before my lips met hers again.

*****

“Liz, there you are!”

Alex's voice ripped through the common room which was filled with students. As expected there was a party going on even though it was only three in the afternoon.

“Where were you? Did Scott keep you until now?”, my best friend asked, bringing over a bottle of butterbeer with her and handing it to me.

“No, not quite...”, I answered and took it, looking around us, checking if somebody was listening.

“So you were with-”

“Yes”, I quickly interrupted her. I had expected this talk was going to happen rather sooner than later. “Where is Edward?”

“I think he went to get some more food from the kitchens. But don't even try to change the subject, you owe me some explanations.”

The girl grinned mischievously while I simply sighed. Quickly I took her hand and pulled her into our empty dormitory. After I had made sure that the door was locked and a Muffliato was casted on it, I turned towards Alex who had taken a seat on her bed.

“I guess you want the long version, hm?”, I asked while I sat down next to her.

“Oh yes.”

It was relieving actually, to finally be able to tell my best friend everything. She was way more understanding of my relationship with our teacher than her first reaction had anticipated. Even though she would've never guessed that Severus was my secret lover.

“And he's actually nice, when you are alone? Like for real? I mean I noticed that he's been nicer than usual in the last months... well 'less of a git' would be the correct term...”

I rolled my eyes but nevertheless couldn't contain a smile. “Alex...”

“Yeah, yeah, I take it back. I just can't imagine Snape being anything else than cold and distant.”

“Believe me, he is”, I replied, thinking back about how ecstatic he had just been when I had told him, we could spend the summer together.

“And how is he between the sheets?”

“ALEX!”

“Oh come on, we're best friends! If you do not talk to me about it, to whom are you gonna talk?”

“I am not going to discuss this with you! He is still our teacher!”

The brunette girl simply smirked. “That good, hm?”


	25. Chapter 25

The sun shone brightly down on London this July, the air flickering under the heat. I casted another cooling spell on me, while I turned into the street I was searching for. Perplexed I stopped for a second. The white houses lining up the street were more intimidating than I wanted to admit. That was where she lived? Of course I knew that her parents were wealthy, she had told me a little about them but I wouldn’t have expected their house to be able to compete against Malfoy Manor.

_“You want me to visit you?”, I had asked her as she had handed me the paper with her address on the last day of school._

_She had beamed at me and nodded. “I can’t apparate to you, I have never been to Cokeworth. So it seemed like the easiest way.”_

A tiny sigh escaped my lips. She had been right of course, it was the easiest and safest way. We wouldn’t risk being seen by someone who knew us and still it had made me nervous. She had reassured me that her parents were gone but seeing where she actually lived made me feel out of place. Not for the first time I wondered why she had chosen me of all people to love. I didn’t feel like I deserved it, deserved her.

_“Don’t make me wait too long!”, she had whispered before she had kissed me one last time. “I’ll miss you.”_

It had been three weeks since our goodbye on the last day of class. I had gone back to Spinner’s End, nervous about actually visiting her and at the same time missing her incredibly. After a week an owl had reached me. She hadn’t written much, just that she missed me and hoped to see me soon and still it had made me smile.

Nevertheless I had waited another two weeks, had tried to gather the courage to actually visit her. In the end my longing for her had been stronger than the discomfort of being in a place like this and I had informed her of my arrival. Her overjoyed answer had probably been the fastest reply I had ever gotten.

When I finally reached the house I was searching for, I couldn’t help but smile upon the sight of the golden nameplate next to the doorbell. I would really see her again.

Quickly I reached for the bell and didn’t have to wait long until the blonde girl opened the massive door, staring in confusion at the seemingly deserted stairs that led to her home. She was wearing a red summer dress and her blond curls hung loosely around her face. She looked beautiful.

“It’s me, Elizabeth, I am disillusioned.”

She jumped at the unexpected voice before making way for me to enter, closing the door behind us.

“Seriously, Sev, that was unnecessary”, she said while I muttered the counter spell, slowly becoming visible again. “You didn’t need to be invisible to visit me.”

“And have your neighbours call the police because a dubious man is lurking in front of your house? I’d rather not”, I replied before pulling her into my arms, kissing her gently.

*****

I smiled into the kiss while my hands settled in his neck. I had missed him. I had been used to see him on almost a daily basis, even though it was sometimes just during the meals in the Great Hall and hadn’t realised how much I had needed his presence in my life.

“Well next time you can just apparate directly into the house”, I answered when we broke apart, caressing through his dark hair. “I missed you. You have made me wait.”

A tiny smirk appeared on his lips and still he remained silent. I knew why he had waited that long, had seen the anxiety in his eyes upon inviting him to my home. It was one thing to meet in his office, in his Hogwarts home where he had a feeling of security, where he was in control, another entirely to meet in a foreign muggle house in the heart of London.

I knew he needed time with these things, just like with opening up to me. That’s why I had waited, had only send him an owl to remind him that there was someone who loved and cared for him, knowing he would come when he was ready.

“Your parents own a very impressive house”, the dark-haired man said and I could see how out-of-place he felt in his dark frock-coat that didn’t want to mix with the clearly muggle-owned house.

“I’d like it to be a little smaller. It can get very lonely here all by oneself”, I answered and saw how he relaxed a little at my words. “Would you like some coffee?”

“Yes, please.”

Gently I took his hand and led him into the kitchen and prepared the coffee for us while he stood there uncomfortably, unsure what to say. But I had an idea how to help him.

When the coffee was ready I balanced the tray out of the kitchen, Severus following me silently. Instead of the salon, I led him into my favorite part of the house: the library.

The spacious room was filled to the brim with books, every inch of wall covered with shelves to accommodate them. In the middle of the room stood a couch and two armchairs, a table between them. The only thing that didn’t quite fit into the room was an old dark closet standing on one end.

I could see how his eyes lightened up upon the sight of the books and before I had even placed the tray on the coffee table, he had his finger running on the back of the books.

“Your parents have a remarkable collection.”

“It’s actually mine”, I replied smiling, not surprised by his confused expression. “It was a Christmas present from my parents when I was about seven. It started smaller of course but it grows every year.”

“And your school books? I don’t see any magical literature here…” 

Smirking I drew my wand and pointed it at the other side of the room. “Revelio.”

The doors of the old dark closet sprung open and revealed an adjacent room. It was smaller than the library itself but nevertheless stuffed to the brim with books. Large pillows were lying on the floor and several open books were scattered next to them.

“It’s still a little messy in here, I just did this in the last weeks”, I said and led the Potions Master into the room.

“An Extension Charm?”, he asked and couldn’t hide the surprise in his voice. “That’s highly difficult.”

“Well I needed a space for my magical books without anyone finding them”, I simply replied and enjoyed how he browsed the shelves. Slowly I sat down on one of the pillows and studied him, could see how he relaxed more and more and couldn’t help but smile at it.

“So your parents don’t know about this?”

I just shrugged at his question. “How can they? I haven’t seen them since last September.”

*****

Surprised I looked at the blonde girl and put back the book I had just taken off the shelf. “They didn’t fetch you from King’s Cross?”

“No, our driver did. They’ve already left for their vacation”, she replied and I could hear how it hurt her. Slowly I made my way to her and sat down next to her, drew her into my arms. I felt her relaxing in my embrace and gently played with her hair, enjoying her warm body against mine.

“Your parents are fools if they rather travel than spend time with you.”

I could feel her smile against my chest, felt how she pressed herself a little harder against me. I hadn’t thought about the fact that she would be just as lonely as I was. The difference being that I was used to it, mostly enjoyed my solitude while she spent most of her time surrounded by her friends. I should’ve come earlier.

“I apologise.”

“What for?”, she asked and looked up.

“Making you wait.”

She smiled and shook her head.

“You are here now”, she simply said and brought her lips against mine, kissing me gently. Quickly the kiss grew more demanding, my tongue finding hers before I softly pushed her back onto the pillow underneath her. I had missed being that close to her, missed feeling her body against mine. She seemed to feel the same way and some time later I found her naked body on top of mine, our hearts still racing.

“I missed you.”

“You are repeating yourself.”

She cocked an eyebrow at my response before she smiled again. “A simple ‘I missed you too’ would’ve sufficed.”

 

Slowly I opened my eyes. Just the faint moonlight was illuminating the room which was way more spacious than my bedroom. Confused it took me a few seconds to recognise where I was when I heard a soft sigh next to me and looked into the face of the girl who pressed herself against me. Gently I pulled her closer, wrapped my arms around her. I really didn’t know how she had convinced me to stay. I had assured her that I would come back tomorrow but she had pleaded with me until I had given in.

I still didn’t understand how she did it, how she brought out the best in me, how she sometimes knew better than I did what I needed. I had not known how much I had wanted to stay until she had fallen asleep in my arms. It wasn’t the first time, nevertheless the first time I hadn’t have to be scared of someone catching her in my chambers or her leaving before the sun came up.

I had watched her sleep, had studied every feature that I knew so well and still it had felt like the first time. I still didn’t understand why her heart had chosen me but I was grateful. She had made me open up, had healed me, had taught me how to feel again, how to love. Never had I thought this to be possible.

“Sev”, Elizabeth mumbled and made me smile again. Gently I kissed her forehead before I let go of her and rose from the bed, reaching for my wand and lighting it. With a few steps I was in the bathroom, not being able to ignore my body’s needs any longer.

It was afterwards, when I looked into the mirror over the sink that I couldn’t help staring at my face. I looked so relaxed, so at peace with myself, more my age than I had ever been. It was my eyes that gave away just how happy I really was. They seemed to carry some of Elizabeth’s warmth in them. The last time they hadn’t been cold had been in my childhood, had been when I had been with Lily.

I flinched at the thought of her. I still hadn’t told Elizabeth about her, hadn’t told her about the role I had played in her death. I knew sooner or later I had to tell her that I couldn’t cover up forever what I did. Still the thought scared me incredibly. I couldn’t bear the thought of her thinking bad of me, the thought of her leaving me. I knew that the longer I waited, the more I betrayed her trust but I needed her with me, needed her to make me feel whole.

“No!”

The high-pitched scream ripped right through my heart. I rushed back into the bedroom, gripping my wand tighter, wanting to attack whoever dared to lay a finger on her but the blonde girl was the only one in the room.

“Please stop!”, she screamed, tossed and turned in agony on the bed.

Quickly I made my way to her, tried to hold her shaking body. My touch only made her scream louder though and scared I let go of her again, not wanting to hurt her even further.

“Make it stop, make it stop!”

Desperately I reached for her again, trying to ignore her growing screams. I needed to wake her up to put her out of her misery.

“Elizabeth, wake up!” Gently I pressed her against me, tried to calm her with my body. “It’s me, it’s Sev.”

Finally she opened her eyes and I could see fear in them, fear and pain and I pulled her even closer to me. “Are you alright?”

The blonde girl nodded silently and sat up, burying her face in her hands for a moment. It broke my heart to see her this way. I wanted to protect her from the pain, wanted to lift the fear of her, wanted her to feel safe.

“I am sorry, I didn’t want to scare you”, she whispered after a while.

“Are they always that bad?”

Sadly smiling she looked at me again. “They got worse since I took the memory potion. I see the snakes more clearly, can feel them wrap around me…”

Elizabeth shivered again and I pulled her closer, pressed her against my bare chest. Sighing she buried her face in it while I gently caressed her back. I didn’t know how long we sat this way, her listening to my heartbeat but it didn’t matter. Right this moment I felt for the first time, how much she needed me.

“You should sleep some more”, I whispered after a while, gently caressing her hair.

She shook her head in response and I understood. She probably was scared to have another nightmare.

“You go on and sleep though, you must be exhausted”, she muttered and pulled herself away from me. “I’ll just read.”

I couldn’t help but smile at her. Even when she was the one suffering, she was worried about me. My gaze fell on the book next to my still lit wand on the nightstand. I wouldn’t let her stay awake by herself, not after the fear she had felt.

“Would you mind if I read to you?”, I asked and reached for the book. Her surprised expression was quickly replaced by a smile before she shook her head. I propped myself against the pillows and pulled her close again before I opened the novel at the bookmark and started to read to her. It was muggle literature, one that I had never read before. The title had read “Rebecca” and Elizabeth had just read a few pages from it which made it easier for me to follow.

I read to the blonde girl till the sun came up. A quick glance told me that she had finally fallen asleep again. Contently I closed the book and put it aside before extinguishing my wand. Wrapping the blanket around us again, I pulled her closer, burying my nose in her soft hair.

“I’ll find a way to help you”, I mumbled before slowly drifting off into a slumber as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the overwhelming love on the last chapter, I am so grateful <3  
> I hope you enjoyed this (fluffy) one as well :)


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the love on the previous chapter! 
> 
> Since I am quite busy the rest of the week, you'll get the next chapter a little earlier ;)

We spent almost the whole two following weeks with each other. The first week we had spent at her home, mostly with reading. I always loved how I could be silent with her, how we could just enjoy each others presence. Of course I enjoyed her talking to me as well, especially when she had thoughts about a Potion she had read about. I couldn't remember when I had last met someone who was as interested in the subject as I was.

It was in the second week when I took her to Spinner's End. I had been nervous about her seeing my home. She was used to all kinds of luxury and I couldn’t offer her that but I had wanted to take her to my laboratory, had wanted for us to brew together again. After having seen her experiencing a nightmare, I was even more determined to brew a potion that would make her remember, that would help her. I didn't want her to suffer anymore.

Still it had felt odd seeing her in her expensive clothes in my home, as if two worlds collided that weren't meant for each other. But her smile and excitement upon seeing my book collection and lab had vanished all my concerns. She didn't seem to mind about the old, worn furniture when she sat down on the sofa with a rare copy of a Potions book, nor when we brewed together in my small laboratory or wound up in the simple, functional bedroom of mine - and it lifted my spirits greatly to know that what I had to offer was enough.

Unfortunately I had less luck with a cure for her memory loss. We had continued with our research, continued with the potion we had already accomplished but I didn’t dare to let her try it again before I knew about every side effect. I had almost lost her once to it, I wouldn’t tempt fate another time. So I resorted to brew a potion that would lessen her nightmares for now until I found a better solution to help her.

“What are you thinking about?”

I looked up and into her green eyes, which were studying me intently, obviously having been on me for a quite a while. She was sitting across from me on the armchair in her library, the book she had been reading on her lap.

“Nothing particular”, I answered and wanted to read on when she made her way over to me, taking the book from my hands and letting it drop to the floor. Slowly she put a leg on each side of me, straddling my lap, covering it with the green fabric of her skirt.

“And now?”, she murmured, slowly grinding her hips against me.

A groan escaped my lips while her hands opened the buttons of my frock coat. Hungrily I kissed her, reaching under her skirt to let my hands rest on her buttocks while my tongue found hers. I simply couldn’t get enough of her.

“Elizabeth Jane Brighton!”

Perplexed Elizabeth and I broke the kiss and searched for the source of the voice, noticing a blonde woman standing in the doorway to the room.

“Mother?!”

Quickly Elizabeth jumped off me, straightening her skirt again. My hand was already at my wand, swiftly making the buttons of my coat close themselves again before I stood up as well.

“I thought you wouldn’t be back until Mid-September”, Elizabeth said, awkwardly standing in the middle of the room, while I studied the woman in front of me. Her skin was tanned, which wasn’t a surprised considering she had been at sea the last few weeks and her light-blue eyes were staring down her daughter, before they scanned me.

“Well, there was an emergency at the company, your father had to return… and may I ask who you are…?”

“Severus Snape”, I answered and was surprised that Elizabeth sighed in frustration upon my answer.

“Snape…?” Her blue eyes found her daughter again. “Isn’t that the name of the teacher you have written us so much about?”

Fuck. I hadn’t considered that she could know my name.

“This is what we get for trusting you to be alone over the summer? You seduce your teacher?!”

“Trusting me?! That is what you call abandoning your daughter these days?”, Elizabeth screamed at her and I was surprised to see her that angry.

“Abandoning? You got everything you need right here!”

“Except for my fucking parents!”

“Language, young lady!”

Elizabeth snorted before turning towards me. “Severus, can we go to your place?”

“Of course, but-”

“You are most certainly not going with him!”, Elizabeth’s mother interrupted but the blonde girl ignored her.

“Could you go on already, Sev? I’ll be right with you.”

“You are not!”

Silently I looked at her. Her green eyes were full of anger while she turned back towards her mother. I knew I shouldn’t interfere but I didn’t want to leave her alone either. Still my presence probably made things worse and so I simply nodded, turned on my heel and apparated to Spinner’s End.

Restless I started to pace through the living room. What if Mrs. Brighton would inform Dumbledore? What if she would make Elizabeth stay away from me? And what would Elizabeth do? Would she act against her mother’s demands to be with me? Break with her parents for me?

Sighing I sat down on the armchair, while my gaze fell on the picture standing on the coffee table. Elizabeth had left it there. She had found it behind one of the books on the shelves a few days ago.

_“Sev?”_

_“Mhm?”_

_“Are those your parents?”_

_I had looked up to her from my current book and saw her holding the simple black frame. I had tensed immediately and looked back onto my book, not wanting to meet her gaze._

_“Yes.”_

_I had felt her eyes on me but she hadn’t said anything. She simply had placed the picture on the coffee table before she had walked over, taken a seat on my lap and hugged me tightly. Perplexed it had taken me a moment before I had put the book aside and hugged her back. Silently we had sat there for a while before she had resumed roaming through my book collection. I had studied her before my eyes had wandered to the picture on the table. I had hid the picture behind the books after the death of my parents, unable to throw it away. It was the only one I had from them after all. It showed them before my birth, when my father hadn’t known that my mother was a witch. It was like looking into a window to another time. A happier time I had never gotten to experience. To me my family had always been a dark memory I hadn’t wanted to revisit and after my parents had died, I had tried to convince myself that I didn’t need a family after all. I had always been alone even with them alive, why should their death had made a difference._

_Slowly I had looked back to the blonde girl who was reading an old copy of a transfiguration book. She had changed my view, had changed everything. She was my family now, the only one I needed._

A faint knock on the door wrenched me from my thoughts. Quickly I made my way to the front door, opened it and let the blonde girl enter. She still had the furious look on her face and followed me into the living room.

“Are you alright?”

Sighing she nodded before she took a seat on the sofa, burying her face in her hands. “I am sorry, I didn’t know they would be back earlier.”

“Never mind”, I replied before taking a seat next to her. “I am surprised she let you leave though. After she protested so strongly against it, I hadn’t expected you to arrive this early.”

“Well after her obliviation, she didn’t mind anymore.”

Perplexed I looked at the blonde girl, considering for a moment that I hadn’t understood her correctly. “You erased her memory?!”  
“Just the last few minutes before she found us.”

“Are you insane?”, I fulminated, jumping from the couch. “Do you have any idea in what danger you put your mother’s mind with that?”

Perplexed the blonde girl looked at me. “I knew what I was doing, Severus and it worked without any trouble. Besides it wasn’t like I had another choice, she would’ve written to Professor Dumbledore otherwise. I was trying to protect you.”

“I didn’t ask you to protect me. Especially not by doing something so foolish as erasing the memory of your mother.”

“Foolish?”, she whispered, the fury returning to her green orbs. “How would the great all-knowing Professor Snape have handled the situation then, hm?”

“Obviously better than his silly, ungrateful student, who doesn’t know the worth of having parents who care!”

“Parents who care? You really think she was upset because she cared about _me_?!” Her voice was trembling now. “You know, you should consider for once that you do not know everything, _Professor_ , and that your silly, ungrateful student knew exactly what she was doing.”

And without another word, the blonde girl had risen from the couch and strode past me, out of the room. A few seconds later I heard the door shut behind her. She had left.

 

I had waited. Minutes had stretched into hours, hours into days, days into weeks. I had thought she would come back. When she would’ve calmed down, she would come back. But she didn’t. The emptiness in Spinner’s End was starting to get to me. Ever since Elizabeth had set a foot into my home it had been filled with her. Filled with her laugh, her scent, her light. Since she had left it had started to fade and was replaced with the well-known darkness that had sunken into the very roots of the house. The dark memories of my childhood reemerging and replacing the pleasant ones I had made in the last weeks. My old family replacing my new one.

The nights were the worst. I hadn’t realised how much I had gotten used to her sleeping next to me. Her warm body against mine, her mumbling my name in her sleep, her smile in the morning… not having it anymore made it almost impossible to sleep.

I still didn’t understand how our talk had been able to go that wrong. I hadn’t wanted to snap at her but seeing how easily she threw away loving parents had triggered something in me, something I had buried deep inside me. She threw away what I never had. Of course she didn’t know how much it affected me. I hadn’t told her anything about my parents after all, about the neglect, the abuse, the loneliness. It wasn’t something I could say out loud. I hadn’t even told Lily and she had seen the wounds on me.

Sighing I looked back at the old long case clock at the other side of the living room, resisting the urge to hex it to make the annoying ticking stop. It just kept reminding me how long it had been since I had last seen Elizabeth.

I had thought about writing her several times. Still I hadn’t. I was simply too scared of her answer, didn’t know if she was still mad at my crude comment. I hadn’t meant it of course. I simply hadn’t thought, had only replied in anger. But I couldn’t take it back anymore. Not for the first time my words instead of my actions were the reason for hurting the people around me. It seemed I never learned.


	27. Chapter 27

Nervously I pushed the old-fashioned doorbell and didn’t have to wait long for it to be answered. The first thing I noticed were the dark circles under Severus’s eyes when he opened the door. He looked incredibly tired, exhausted to be honest. It made me feel even more guilty than I already was.

“May I come in?”, I asked coarsely.

The dark-haired man simply stepped aside and let me enter, closed the door behind me and lead me into the living room.

“Sev, I am sorry for…”

Before I could finish my sentence, I was already in his arms. Pressed flush against his body, his head resting on mine.

“What took you so long?”, he whispered and it sent a shiver down my spine. Slowly I wrapped my arms around him as well, simply enjoyed his warmth and scent that made me feel so secure.

For a while we stood in silence, just breathing in each other. I had missed him incredibly. I hadn’t realised how dependant I had become of him, how much I needed him in my life to feel whole.

At first I had been so mad at him, I hadn’t even wasted a thought about going back. I had been so hurt by his words, hadn’t understood why he had reacted so strongly. I had only tried to protect him, to protect us and he had treated it as something repelling. As if he didn’t need my protection, didn’t need me. He had called me a foolish girl and something had snapped in me. I prided myself with my mind and having him of all people insult it had been like the last drop. It had taken me a while to cool down from that and when I did, I slowly realised what the actual problem was. I had remembered how he had reacted when we I had found the picture of his parents and slowly the pieces had fallen into place. He had probably seen me risking something he had never had.

He hadn’t told me a lot about his childhood but his home and his reaction upon me finding the photograph, had painted a dark picture. He never spoke of his parents, never spoke of his school years, of his past. The only time he had mentioned it, had been when he had told me why he had taken the Dark Mark. I had wanted to ask him several times since then but I didn’t want to pressure him. I knew he would come around when he was ready.

When I had realised my mistake I had felt incredibly guilty. I hadn’t dared to come back to him, had dreaded his reaction. What if he was still furious with me? What if he didn’t want me back?

So I had waited. Had waited for a sign of him, for a letter, for something. But nothing came and the days stretched into weeks.

It was when I had met Alex in Diagon Alley two day ago that I had finally found the strength to come. The two of us had been in the Leaky Cauldron after having gotten all of our things for the new school year, when she had asked about Severus.

_“So, are you going to tell me why you look like a droopy pygmy puff?”_

_Caught redhanded I had looked at her before I had dropped my gaze into my butterbeer._

_“I am guessing it has something to do with your lover – the one you haven't lost a word about so far”, Alex had continued, “Trouble in paradise?”_

_I had sighed and simply nodded. “We had a fight. I stormed out and we haven't talked since then.”_

_Silently she had looked at me for a while before she had reached for my hand. “Look I am not an expert when it comes to relationships-”_

_“Because none of your relationships lasted longer than two weeks?”, I interrupted her and couldn't hide my smirk. She was well known for moving from one boy to the next, which was probably the reason Edward hadn't told her about his feelings yet._

_“Precisely”, she replied grimacing, “But I know that you cannot solve a fight without talking. And as long as none of you takes the first step it's not going to change.”_

_“But what if he is still mad at me?”_

_“Isn't he always mad?”_

_“Alex! Stay serious!”_

_“I am very serious.”_

_I had rolled my eyes at my best friend and still had to laugh. She was right after all, nothing would change if none of us would take the first step. So I had gathered all my courage to come to his place today since we both had to leave for Hogwarts the next day._

“Sev, I think we should talk.”

I could feel him tighten his embrace before slowly letting go, just to look at me again.

“We should.”

Gently he pulled me onto the couch with him nevertheless didn’t let go of my hand.

“I hope you can forgive me for what I said.”

“If you can forgive me?”, I asked and reached for his cheek, wanted to get the worried expression off of his face. “I shouldn’t have run out like that and I should’ve realised why you were so upset.”

Silently he stared at me for a while. I could feel his jaw clench under my fingers and tried to soothe it with gentle strokes.

“I… my childhood wasn’t very pleasant. My parents weren’t that… caring. Quite the opposite actually.” He closed his eyes as if he was trying to suppress his memories. “That’s why I was upset. I never had what you have.”

“And in your eyes I risked it”, I finished his sentence and ran my fingers through his hair, combed it back to meet his eyes again. “I am so sorry.”

“You said… you said your mother wasn’t actually caring about you. What did you mean by that?”

A sad smile appeared on my lips and my gaze fell on his hand, which was holding mine.

“The reason why she was so upset was because of our family’s reputation. She wasn’t worried about me getting hurt or something alike but about what people would say, if they found out about the Brighton’s daughter shagging her professor. After you were gone she told me how disappointed she was that her daughter turned out to be a…”

Quickly I shook my head and closed my eyes, didn’t want to repeat her words, not even in my thoughts.

“Ever since I got accepted at Hogwarts our relationship changed. They adopted me because they couldn’t have children but needed an heir to my father’s company. And for a while I was their perfect daughter. They raised me to be the best in everything, prepared me for my ‘role’ as the heir – until my eleventh birthday. Now it doesn’t matter anymore if my grades are perfect, my conduct flawless… I am useless to them”, my voice cracked and I tried to ignore the pain in my chest. “You saw my boggart… I didn’t only obliviate her for you but for myself as well. I didn’t want her to have another reason to think that her daughter is worthless.”

I felt Severus’s hands on my face, lifting it to meet his eyes again. I could see the bewilderment expression while he graced my cheeks with his thumbs.

“I am so sorry. I didn’t know… I thought your parents…”

“Stop, please”, I interrupted him and took his hands in mine. “We both didn’t know better, both made mistakes. Let’s just forget about it, okay?”

A soft smile graced his lips before he pressed them against mine, pulling me closer to him again. It felt so good to kiss him again, so good to be with him again.

“Would you like to stay tonight?”

“I’d love to.”

*****

I hadn’t slept more than any of the last nights but for a completely different reason. We had spent almost the whole day between the sheets and I had enjoyed every second of her presence, had taken in every inch of her skin with my lips, had breathed in her irresistible scent. She had fallen asleep in my arms afterwards and I hadn't been able to stop myself from watching her sleep. It had felt so good to be that close to her again. Knowing that with the start of the new school year I would get to spent less time with her again, was enough reason for me to enjoy every minute that we had left in private.

The next day she had awoken early to apparate back to London where her driver would bring her to King’s Cross. I hadn’t wanted to let her go, had pulled her back and kissed her over and over again when she had been ready to leave. I had enjoyed her chuckle, her halfhearted ‘Sev, I have to go!’ protests when my arms had wrapped around her again.

“Tell me one more time”, I had whispered and buried my nose in her soft curls, my arms around her waist. I wanted to hear it again. The weeks without hearing her say it had been horrible. “One more time then I’ll let you go.”

She had chuckled again before she had turned around, had cradled my face in her hands.

“I love you, Sev.”

When I had finally let her go, I had started to pack and apparated to Hogwarts directly in the late afternoon. After I had brought my personal belongings to my quarters, I had met with Dumbledore. We always exchanged after the holidays if there was a new whisper about the Dark Lord.

“Ah, Severus, welcome back”, the Headmaster greeted me when I entered his office. “Did you enjoy your holidays?”

“Yes, definitely”, I replied. Elizabeths naked body in my arms this morning flashed through my mind. “Eight calm weeks away from students who keep blowing up their cauldrons.”

“Is that why you look so relaxed?”

“Obviously”, I replied and took the chair in front of his desk. “But enough pleasantries. Are there any news?”

Dumbledore scanned me for a moment before he folded his hands in front of him, staring at his finger tips. “None so far. But I expect there will be latest in a year.”

“Because the boy will join Hogwarts, I assume?”

The Headmaster simply nodded before he started talking about Potter’s son. I was barely listening, my thoughts roaming back to Elizabeth. I knew that latest when the boy would join the school I had to tell her about Lily, about him, about my vow, about what I had done. She had a right to know, I knew it but I still hesitated. I just went through weeks without her, to maybe lose her completely when I told her... it scared me more than I could put into words. We had just resolved a fight, maybe I should wait a little longer, deepen our bond a little more before I told her.

“Severus?”

“Hm?”

“We should go down, the feast is about to begin.”

Quickly I nodded before following the old man down to the Great Hall which was slowly filling with students. My eyes went automatically to the Slytherin table, scanned the long furniture for the blonde curls of my love. I found her close to the head table, seated between her friends as usual. Her green eyes caught mine immediately and I couldn't resist returning her warm smile. Just a little longer, I would wait just a little longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos on the last chapter :) Let me know what you think of this one in the comments <3


	28. Chapter 28

The first weeks of the new school year passed quickly and my mood dropped just as rapidly. I hated that I had to act like Elizabeth was like any other student to me again. I hated that I could only spend time with her at the weekends, hated that she wasn’t sleeping next to me anymore, hated that my bed was so cold at night. I hated that Scott was around her all the time again, hated how he courted her again. I had hoped he would’ve lost his interest over the summer but the kiss he had stolen from her seemed to only have intensified his efforts.

_“One more year, Sev. One more year and we can officially be together.”_

It was what Elizabeth kept telling me each time she saw my discontent about her sneaking into my office, her leaving before curfew, her spending time with Scott. She was right and still it bugged me.

It didn’t get any better when she told me that her date with Scott – the one she had to go to because of that stupid bet – would be on Halloween weekend in Hogsmeade. Halloween of all days.

“I will go to Hogsmeade as well.”

“No, Sev. It’ll only hurt you to see us together.”

“But-”

She had shaken her head again. “I’ll just have that stupid date, tell him again that I am not interested and I’ll be with you tonight, okay?”

I had sighed frustrated but nodded nevertheless. She was right, I would be furious seeing her with him. Still I wanted to see that there wasn’t anything going on between them. It wasn’t because I didn’t trust her – I didn’t trust him.

I listened to her though and stayed in Hogwarts, barricaded myself in my office with a ludicrous amount of fire whiskey. Halloween was always horrible for me but knowing that my love was on a date with a different guy, one that resembled James Potter more than I’d like to admit, made it even worse. So I drowned my sorrows in the bottle until I heard the three soft knocks of Elizabeth’s wand on the door, unlocking it in the process.

“Oh Sev”, was the first thing she said when she saw the empty bottle on the desk. Quickly she locked the door behind her and walked over to where I sat. Gently she reached for my hands, pulled me onto my feet. Shaky I followed her into my living quarters. The alcohol was clouding my thoughts incredibly and I was glad that she sat me down on the couch again.

“Sobriety potion… do you have one?”, she asked and I slowly nodded.

“Storage room, lowest shelf on the left side.”

Elizabeth swiftly went back to my office before she returned with the rich purple potion in her hands.

“Drink”, she commanded and before she joined me on the couch. “You’ll feel better.”

I did as I was told and felt the potion’s effect instantly. The clouds in my mind vanished and the blurry room was sharpening again. I felt Elizabeth’s hand on mine and looked at her.

“Nothing happened, love”, she started and caressed my cheek. “Oliver took me to Hogsmeade, tried to convince me to give in to his begging and we came back. I promise you that was it.”

“I know, I trust you”, I whispered. “I didn’t… it wasn’t just because of that.”

“But because it’s Halloween?”

Confused I looked at her, when I remembered. Last year’s Halloween. She had seen my despair and in a way it had been the beginning of our relationship. A soft sigh escaped my lips before I closed my eyes and leaned back on the couch. It was time.

*****

“It… it’s been nine years now”, he whispered and looked down onto his empty hands. “Nine years since she died.”

Slowly he lifted his head, his black eyes meeting mine and I didn’t dare to ask who he was talking about, wanted him to tell me on his own accord.

“My best friend… my only friend I told you about… her name was Lily Evans. You probably know her as Lily Potter”, he continued and closed his eyes again, as if the words alone hurt him physically. “I met her when we were children, she lived in Cokeworth as well. I noticed that she had magical abilities and approached her, told her about our world. Naturally she was curious, wanted to know everything and somehow we became friends. When our letters arrived we both were ecstatic to finally go to Hogwarts. For her it was a complete new world, for me it was a way to escape my parents, to begin anew. But from there everything went wrong…”

Carefully I reached for his hand, took it into mine. I could feel his pain, could see his grief and wanted to soothe it. Still I didn’t dare to interrupt him.

“I told you I was bullied in school. It ranged from lovely nicknames like ‘Snivellus’ to physically being assaulted and even attempted murder. Nobody bothered to intervene though. They were Gryffindors, rich and spoiled and popular. And I was… me. An unimportant, unloved Slytherin. It was, as you know, one of the reasons why I had taken friends among future Death Eaters. When I was around them, my bullies didn’t dare to attack me.”

He took a deep breath and looked onto our hands, holding mine firmly in his now, as if he was scared that I’d slip from him.

“Of course those ‘friends’ of mine didn’t understand why I spend so much time with Lily. She was a muggleborn and in their eyes worthless. Lily on the other hand didn’t understand why I was with them. It made us drift apart more and more until…”

Severus closed his eyes again and let go of my hand, started to wring his own nervously. It hurt to watch him suffer but I didn’t dare to say anything. I felt that he finally needed to let go of everything.

“I… my bullies attacked me, undressed me in front of the whole school and she tried to come to my rescue… I was so humiliated… I didn’t think straight… I-I called her a mudblood”, he whispered and seemed to didn’t even dare to look at me anymore. “I apologised. Over and over again but she didn’t forgive me and it was the end of our friendship. I joined the Death Eaters after our school years and life went on until the Dark Lord started to hunt her down.”

“You loved her”, I whispered and reached for his hands again, made him look at me. “That is why you became a spy, isn’t it? You wanted to protect her.”

With tears in his eyes he stared at me and nodded slowly. “But it was all in vain. I couldn’t save her. She was the first person to give me the feeling of being appreciated, my only friend, the only one who cared about me. And I couldn't save her.”

His tears were falling freely now and I quickly pulled him into my arms, rested his head on my chest. Gently I stroked through his hair, simply let him rid himself of his grief. I suspected that I was the first person he had talked to about it, the first person he finally allowed himself to open up about this. The thought that he had suffered so long all by himself, broke my heart. All this years he had been alone, hadn’t had anyone to turn to. The only person who had shown him any affection, had cut him out of his life and died before they could’ve reconciled. I couldn’t even imagine how much he had suffered.

I pulled him a little closer to my chest, wanted him to feel that I was there for him, that I would never leave him, that he wasn’t alone anymore.

“I will never forgive myself for not saving her”, he whispered into my chest. “Never forgive myself for being on the side that killed her.”

“Sev, you did what you could. You became a spy, you risked your life to protect her, you tried to make things right. You didn’t tell You-know-who to kill her, you didn’t point your wand at her. Don’t punish yourself for something you didn’t do. You are not a murderer.”

*****

Slowly I let go of her and looked into her green orbs which were so full of compassion and understanding that it made me sick with guilt. I didn’t deserve it. I was literally responsible for Lily’s death, I gave the Dark Lord the fucking prophecy. And why? Because I wanted to climb up in the ranks of the Dark Lord, wanted to finally get the respect that I sought that I never had.

_Tell her_ , a voice whispered in my head. _She has a right to know. She needs to know. Tell her._

But what if she wouldn’t forgive me? What if she would think I was a monster for selling out my best friend, my first love for respect and power? Of course I didn’t know he would target Lily but what if it had been any other person? What would I have done then? I didn’t know. It wasn’t the first time I asked myself that question but I still didn’t know the answer. I just knew that I wanted to change, that I wanted to be better.

Gently I reached for Elizabeth’s face, caressed her cheek. Would she stay with me if she knew the abyss of my soul? Would she forgive me? Or would she be scared? Disgusted by me? Unable to look at me any longer?

I couldn’t lose her. She had become the sun my world was revolving around. She made me better, made me want to right all my wrongs. I couldn’t go on without her anymore.

“Sev?”

Her voice pulled me back into the present and gently I pulled her into my arms again, rested my head against hers. I couldn’t tell her. I just couldn’t.

“After Lily died… I never thought I would find someone again, someone I could trust, someone who would care about me, someone I could love”, I whispered before I slowly let go of her again just to take her face into my hands. “I don’t know how I deserve you but I love you, Elizabeth. Please stay with me.”

A soft smile was on her lips as her hands covered mine, gently caressed them. “Always, Sev.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might have noticed that I am not posting regularly at the moment. Unfortunately it's going to stay this way for a while since I am getting married next month and I am quite a bit busy with all the preparations. 
> 
> Hope you still enjoyed the chapter and will stay for what's to come <3 ;)


	29. Chapter 29

Yawning I reached for the coffee on the breakfast table, pouring a generous amount into my cup. I couldn’t wait to finally have some holidays. The seventh year workload was really something else. I spent almost every waking hour at the library, much to the displeasure of Severus. We didn’t spend nearly enough time with each other.

Thanks to Alex knowing of the two of us, it was easier for me this year to be with him on the weekends but nevertheless I was so occupied with studying that I mostly couldn’t make it. Which was another reason I couldn’t wait for the Christmas holidays to begin. Severus and I would spend them together, at Spinner’s End. Since no Slytherin student would stay in Hogwarts, he could leave as well and we could be together undisturbed.

“Morning”, Edward greeted me as he sat down next to me. “Where’s Alex?”

“Making out with some Ravenclaw as far as I know”, I answered a little too quickly and saw how his eyes got incredibly sad.

“Oh… I didn’t know she had a new boyfriend.”

“She doesn’t. It’s just… Alex. You know how she is.”

“Hm”, he simply replied and reached for a piece of toast. “I thought she was over that.”

“Maybe she just didn’t find the right guy yet”, I said, watching him basically stab his toast with his knife while buttering it. “Maybe it’s time you finally tell her how you feel.”

The dark-haired boy almost dropped his cutlery while he heavily blushed. “W-what? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh come on Ed, don’t even try it. I’ve known you for over six years now. You are in love with her and I think it’s finally time you tell her.”

Silently the boy stared at me before he opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by Alex who sat down next to him.

“Good morning, how are you two on this lovely day?”

Awaiting I looked at Edward who didn’t meet my gaze anymore. With a whispered “I have to go” he got up from the table and left the Great Hall quickly.

“What’s up with him? Did I say something wrong?”

“I don’t know”, I said sighing. That would still be a long way.

 

The music was loud in the common room on the last day before the holidays. After a while I simply gave up on finishing my Charms essay and watched as my schoolmates celebrated the start of the vacation with fire whiskey they smuggled into the school. I seriously hoped Severus wouldn’t find out about this.

Thinking about him brought a smile to my lips. I couldn’t wait to be alone with him again. Ever since he had opened up completely to me, our relationship had changed. It had created a bond I had never felt with anyone before and couldn’t put into words. I had never felt that close to anyone before.

“Thinking about your lover?”

Alex sat down next to me on the couch with a grin, a glass of fire whiskey in her hands. I rolled my eyes and sticked my tongue out at her but smirked anyway.

“Yes, actually.”

“So you’re really going to spend the whole Christmas holidays with him?”

“Yes.”

“Not even going to pass by your parents?”

“No.”

“Shouldn’t you-”

“I don’t want to talk about that anymore, Alex”, I interrupted her. I had gotten the yearly pre-Christmas letter from my parents, except this time it wasn’t them telling me that they were on some fancy vacation again. No, this time it was them asking to come home for the holidays, to spend them with them. They seemed to feel guilty about having neglected me for the last six years and wanted to patch things up. But I wouldn’t have it. I wouldn’t play along to their perfect little family reunion. It would take more than a simple ‘we want to spend Christmas with you’ to repair what they had broken between us.

And then there was Severus. I wouldn’t leave him alone, wouldn’t let him spend the holidays by himself. He had been more a family to me in the last year than my parents had.

“Does Snape know you are ditching them for him?”

“Didn’t I just say I didn’t want to talk about it?”, I asked and closed my eyes. “No, he doesn’t.”

“Don’t you think he should get a say in this?”

“Alex, we had this conversation. I will not leave him alone for the holidays and he would want me to be with my parents. So it’s not going to happen.”

I could see that my best friend wanted to say something but was interrupted by Edward who joined us. He seemed quite nervous and wouldn’t sit down.

“You got a minute Alex?”

Surprised I looked at him before I turned to Alex who seemed confused but nodded anyway and followed him to a quieter corner of the common room.

I couldn’t help but watch them, being too astonished that Edward finally made his move. The dark-haired boy was visibly struggling though and I could see how his courage slowly vanished. Not again. Quickly I drew my wand – I wouldn’t let him back out again. With a muttered incantation I pointed it above the two, a mistletoe appearing there. Both my friends looked up in confusion before looking at each other again. Edward sighed visibly for a second before he bent towards Alex, pressing his lips against hers. It took Alex a moment but she quickly wrapped her arms around him and returned the kiss.

“Finally”, I whispered and put my wand away before reaching for the fire whiskey Alex had left on the table. That needed some celebration.

*****

“Wake up, love.”

Soft hands were trailing down my bare chest when I awoke in the morning. Slowly I opened my eyes and looked into the green ones of Elizabeth. A soft smile was on her lips and I couldn’t help but return it.

“Merry Christmas”, she whispered and reached for my face, caressed my cheeks.

“Merry Christmas”, I replied and pulled her closer, buried my nose in her soft hair. I had missed this, had missed waking up next to her in the morning. I couldn’t believe that we would have almost two weeks together, two weeks without anyone being able to catch us, without Scott chasing her. Two weeks just the two of us.

“I have a little surprise for you.”

“Is that so?”, I asked while my hands wandered up and down her back, feeling the soft fabric of her negligee. “We hopefully don’t have to get up for that.”

The blonde girl cocked an eyebrow before she chuckled and sat up. “We do. And we better should, since the coffee will be cold otherwise.”

I groaned lowly but still gave in as she pulled me up to sit next to her before she got up completely and took my hand to guide me out of my bedroom and down the stairs. When she came to a halt in front of the living room she turned to me again.

“Close your eyes.”

I wanted to protest but when I saw the excitement in her eyes I simply sighed and gave in to her pleading. Her hands reached for mine and gently pulled me through the door. I could feel heat coming from the fireplace and the smell of coffee and… croissants?

“Open them.”

I did as I was told and was speechless when I saw the living room. I didn’t know when she had done it – she must have gotten up pretty early. She had set up a small Christmas tree in a corner and decorated it, as well as the rest of the room. A few presents were lying underneath the tree and there was a tray with croissants and a pot on the coffee table. I had to smile upon the sight.

“Since you brought me breakfast last year on Christmas, I thought it’s my turn”, Elizabeth said and wrapped her arms around me. “Is the tree too much? I thought it would be nice because you hadn’t put up one…”

“It’s perfect”, I simply answered and kissed her again, pressed her against my bare chest. I had always loathed the Christmas holidays, when I still had been a student. My parents had never bothered to decorate or gift me something and the holidays had become something annoying and unnecessary to me. Until now at least.

“Would you like some coffee? Or would you like to open your presents first?”

“I’d like to give you your present first”, I answered instead and walked over to the bookshelf, took the tiny package out of its hiding place and handed it to her. I had found it by accident a few weeks ago, after I had told her about Lily, when I had been in Hogsmeade. I had known it was the perfect gift when I had seen it and still it felt like whatever I gave her couldn’t be enough compared to what she had given me.

“Oh Sev, it’s beautiful”, Elizabeth whispered, holding the unwrapped gift against the light. The delicate silver necklace shimmered in her hands while she admired the small pendant. It was a chrysanthemum.

“You like it?”

“I love it”, she said smiling. “Can you put it on me?”

Gently I took the jewellery from her and fastened it around her neck before wrapping my arms around her again.

“Thank you so much, Sev.”

“I am glad you like it.”

“I hope you’ll like yours as well”, the blonde girl said and broke free from my embrace again to reach for a small box under the tree. It was barely bigger than the palm of my hand but heavier than anticipated. Carefully I pulled the ribbon off before opening it. The satin padded box held a silver pocket watch. Gently I took it out and examined it. There was a small snake in the form of an S engraved on the lid. With a slight push I opened the watch and stared at the dark blue clock face which had small planets and stars moving around while the silver hands were ticking away.

“I just thought… I know that it's wizard tradition to get a watch for the seventeenth birthday and I noticed you didn’t have one… I thought maybe I cou-”

Elizabeth couldn’t finish her sentence anymore since my lips had cut her off. I had always wished for one but never gotten myself one. It would’ve been a reminder that my family had never gotten me one for my seventeenth birthday. She couldn’t have gotten me a better gift.

“I am guessing you like it?”

“It’s perfect”, I whispered and admired it again.

“There is something engraved inside.”

Surprised I looked at her before turning the watch to the fire to make out the fine lines on the inside of the lid. When I read the words I pulled her close again while the words danced in the shine of the fire.

_I love you, always._

 

“No, please…”

The words woke me in the middle of the night. Confused I stared into the darkness of my room for a moment, when I heard Elizabeth beg again and turned towards her. The blonde girl was tossing and turning on my bed, the necklace I had gifted her a few hours ago tangled in her disheveled hair. Another nightmare. She had told me they had lessened after the potion I had brewed for her during the summer. Nevertheless the ones that tormented her had been stronger and clearer than ever, she said and still when she woke up she couldn’t seem to remember a thing about them.

“Stop, please, stop!”

Quickly I sat up, wanted to wake her up, when I had an idea. Maybe… if I could see what she dreamt about, I could help her find the answers she sought. I wasn’t sure if it was going to work, I had never tried Legilimency on someone who was sleeping but it was worth a shot.

With a swift motion I grabbed my wand and pointed it at my love, wanted to end this quickly to wake her up.

“Legilimens!”

Images swirled into my head, accompanied by high-pitched screams of a child, taking no clear form. I almost wanted to pull back, wanted to retreat from her mind when I saw her. A small blonde girl, not older than five lying on a marble altar, surrounded by figures in silver masks. I recognised them right away. Death Eaters.

“We finally got a hold of a Pure Blood, the last living member of the Moreau family”, a voice said and I knew right away who it was. Rockwood.

The hooded figure came closer and examined the widened eyes of the child who was staring back at him. “You will be the key.”

Before I knew what was happening the Death Eaters had pointed their wands at the girl, muttering incantations I didn’t understand. Purple flashes shot from their wands, transforming into black snakes, which slithered towards Elizabeth, enveloping her small body.

“No!”, she screamed in fear while the reptiles tightly wrapped around their prey. “Please stop!”

But they didn’t. The snakes even seemed to grow around her, feeding off her while she begged and cried. I didn’t know how much time passed but when the snakes finally let go of her, Elizabeth wasn’t moving anymore. The black reptiles had slithered together on the floor, transforming into a sphere of light.

“Did it work?”, someone asked while Rockwood stepped forward and reached for the sphere. It started to glow upon his touch, to grow before it exploded, sending him flat to the ground.

“Another fucking failure, the Dark Lord won’t be pleased”, Rockwood hissed while he picked himself up and looked at the motionless body of the child. “Dispose of her.”

With that I felt being pushed out of her mind. When I was back, Elizabeth had opened her eyes, heavily panting while she stared at me.

“What did you do?

“I… I entered your mind, I thought, I could help you perhaps”, I replied while I helped her sit up. “Forgive me, I should’ve asked you for permission.”

“No, it’s… it had never been that clear…” Slowly she reached for her head, traced her temples with her fingers. “Moreau. My last name is Moreau.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for your patience! I hope you enjoyed the chapter after the hiatus! <3 would love to hear your opinions!  
> I will try to update on a (bi)weekly basis again!


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry guys, I know I am late with the chapter but life happened ^^'   
> Thank you so for all your love on the last chapter, always makes my day to see all your comments, kudos, bookmarks and subscriptions <3 
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy this chapter as well! :*

Tired I looked up from the book in front of me, watching the blonde girl sleep on my armchair. A smile appeared on my lips while I watched her, glad that she had finally given in to her exhaustion.She had shown up half an hour ago, a pile of books in her arms, before she had given me half and sat down on the armchair with hers.

It had been this way for the last three months, every evening she could spend with me since she had found out about her last name, about the ritual. Elizabeth had brought in every book she could find about dark rituals, every book on pureblood lineage.

She hadn’t found much so far though. There wasn’t much about magical family lineage in the library of Hogwarts. Additionally her name let us suspect that it was a French family she was part of, which made it even harder to find information on it in Hogwarts.

Information about the ritual were a different thing. When she had realised that it were Death Eaters who had performed the ritual, she had asked me right away if I knew of it. Unfortunately I didn’t. I had never heard that the Death Eaters had performed rituals. Though I hadn’t told Elizabeth that I had recognised Rockwood. I wanted to first see for myself what I could find out before she got her hopes up.

Again my eyes fell onto Elizabeth who was still asleep. Additionally to her trying to find out more about her past, her N.E.W.T.s were getting closer and closer and I knew they scared her more than she’d wanted to admit. She had only two more months left to study and then almost one full month of exams. I could feel her growing nervous with each day and almost felt bad that I relaxed more. I couldn’t wait for her to finally graduate. She wouldn’t be my student anymore, just my partner. No more secrecy, no more hiding. We could finally enjoy being together.

A yawn ripped me out of my thoughts again and quickly I looked up to Elizabeth who had woken up.

“Finally awake again I see?”

“How long have I been asleep? Why didn’t you wake me?”, she asked and quickly reached for the book that had fallen to the ground from her lap. “I need to finish this essay today so I can research on the weekend.”

“You needed it”, I replied and made my way over to her, took the book from her hands. “You can’t go on like this anymore, there is only so much you can manage.”

Annoyed she looked at me. “I am fine, Sev. I know what I can handle”, she answered. “Hand it over please.”

“No. Your body is obviously in need of a break.”

She tried to take the tome from me again but I quickly drew the blonde girl into my arms, pressed her against me and trapped her in an embrace.

“Sev, let me go.”

“No.” I could see that she wanted to protest again but quickly talked on. “I know how important it is to you to know more about your past and we will discover the truth but I will not watch you exhaust yourself any longer.”

Speechless she looked at me for a moment before she sighed and stopped resisting, simply leaned into my embrace. “You are right. It’s just… I have never been that close to the truth. I am afraid it could slip through my fingers.”

“It won’t, I promise it won’t”, I whispered and pressed her a little closer against me.

 

Quickly I swept through the castle, barking at any student who was foolish enough to step into my path. When I arrived at the gargoyle I muttered the password and took the moving staircase up to the Headmaster’s office. I knew I was risking everything, knew it was a mistake but I needed answers, _Elizabeth_ needed answers. She grew more desperate with each passing day and two additional months of research hadn’t gotten us any further. I had spent a considerable amount of time in my personal library as well as the school’s and was now simply out of options. The headmaster was my last resort.

As I reached the door, I knocked and waited for Dumbledore’s response before I entered.

“Severus, that’s a surprise”, the Headmaster greeted me. He was sitting behind his desk, hands folded as usual, scanning me with his blue eyes. “How may I help you?”

“I need your help on an urgent matter, Headmaster”, I started, not sure how much I wanted to reveal.

“Is that so? And what might that be about?”, he asked and offered me the seat in front of his desk with a wave of his hand.

“I have… heard about a ritual the Death Eaters had been performing before the Dark Lord’s fall”, I said and sat down. “I never heard of it before, never even knew the Dark Lord had given orders for such rituals. I tried to find information about it but it wasn’t mentioned in any book about the Dark Arts.”

“And what was the subject of those rituals?”

“Children.”

I saw how something changed in the eyes of the Headmaster. It had been a long time since I had seen such disgust in them.

“Tell me everything you know.”

I paused for a second thinking about how best to explain it when I just sighed and went for the Pensieve, brought it to the table. Swiftly I drew my wand and brought it to my temple, carefully pulled the memory containing Elizabeth’s from my mind. I had tried to remove all evidence from how I had gotten it from it and hoped he wouldn’t recognise her. Letting the silver substance float into the bowl, I turned to him. He just nodded and went ahead to look at my memory. I didn’t come along, unable to watch her suffer again.

When Dumbledore was finished, he sat back at his chair, hands folded, eyes closed. I knew better than to disturb his train of thought but the worry about Elizabeth was stronger.

“So? Do you know anything about this ritual?”

The blue eyes flew open and stared me down. “I do. And I think Miss Brighton is in a great deal of danger, Severus.”

“Why is that? What did they do to her?”

The Headmaster took a deep breath. “It’s a very old, very atrocious ritual. You know how the magic of children is one of the rawest and strongest, completely controlled by emotions. There had been attempts in the past to… extract it. To use it as a weapon.”

“That is possible?!”

“It rarely succeeded. Mostly the children’s bodies couldn’t handle the stress and they died before the magic could be fully extracted.”

Again I saw the fragile blonde girl in my mind. Screaming and begging for it to stop as the black snakes enveloped her body, pulling at her very soul.

“I have no idea how Miss Brighton was able to survive it”, Dumbledore whispered. “A completed ritual, still she survived and kept her magic. She didn’t give in.”

“She almost did”, I pressed between my lips. I couldn’t hide the anger in my voice, couldn’t conceal it. Just the thought about her having suffered through so much drove me mad with fury. “It seems they disposed of her by just leaving her on the streets, probably expecting her to be dead already.”

“That was her luck until now and at the same time it puts her in a great deal of danger because of your… involvement.”

Perplexed I looked at him, unable to answer. How could he know? I knew that I hadn’t always been able to control my emotions around her perfectly but I hadn’t thought to have given away everything.

“You know?”

The old man simply nodded. “Don’t worry, I don’t think anyone else noticed. Even though Poppy was quite shocked last year to see you care about a student that deeply.”

“Since when?”

“Oh, I knew you cared for her, ever since last Christmas but I was completely sure when you came back from the summer holidays. The way you smiled at her during the welcome feast, the warmth in your eyes, the way she smiled back… it was obvious.”

“And you… tolerate it?”

“She is of age.”

“She is still a student.”

“And you are her professor, yes. Admitted, it is not the best constellation but would it have changed anything if I had intervened?”

Silently I looked at him for a while before shaking my head. “No. I would’ve quit my position to be with her.”

“You have changed because of her, Severus. I have never seen you so at peace”, the old man said a sad smile on his lips. “Which is why I feel so much worse about having to ask this of you but you have to let her go.”

I felt how my heart skipped a beat. I should let her go? Should live without her? Never.

“And why should I do that? You just reassured me that you accepted our relationship.”

“It’s not because of that, Severus”, he replied with a sigh. “It’s about what you just showed me. I suppose her safety is the most important thing to you?”

“Obviously.”

“Then for that, you must let her go. When Voldemort returns – and he will rather sooner than later – and somebody realises who she is, realises she survived the ritual, survived with her magic intact, they’ll want to know why. Voldemort might think she has some special power, something he could use.”

“And how should he find out? She has a different name, no one knows she survived.”

“Are you still true to your vow? Are you still going to protect Harry?”

Angrily I stared at him. How dared he even asked?

“Naturally.”

“So when you have to return to Voldemort’s ranks, wouldn’t he want to meet your companion? To ask her to pledge her allegiance to him? A muggle-born?”

“But she is a pure-blood!”

“And how would you explain it to him without revealing who she is?”

Slowly I began to understand and still I didn’t want to see it through. I simply couldn’t. “Then we’ll keep our involvement a secret. Except for you, nobody knows.”

“Does she know about your vow?”

“She… knows about Lily but I couldn’t…” The guilt was enveloping me again. I knew I should’ve told her, should’ve told her about the part I had played in her death but I couldn’t bear her thinking bad of me. “No, she doesn’t.”

Dumbledore’s eyes scanned me again. “So tell me Severus, how are you going to explain everything to her then? And what if somebody finds out after all? How will you explain to Voldemort that your companion is a muggle-born? Won’t he want to know why his most trusted servant hid her from him? And even if he tolerated her, do you really want her to be at his mercy?”

Silently I stared at him. Telling her about my mistake was one thing but to let her in on everything? Admit that I had pledged my life to protect Lily’s son? Tell her that the Dark Lord would return and I would have to return to his ranks? I knew she would want to fight alongside me, knew she would do anything to protect me, to be with me. I couldn’t let her risk her life because of my mistakes, I wouldn’t let her. I wouldn’t let the Dark Lord use her as a tool to control me. I would not see my love get hurt, wouldn’t lose her like Lily.

Dumbledore was right. I had to end it. But how could I send her away? How could I let go of her? Let go of the only person who cared about me? Who loved me? Who made me feel whole?

“I know what I am asking of you."

“No. You don’t”, I simply replied and closed my eyes, tried not to give in to the desperation, tried to occlude my feelings. I didn’t want to fall apart in front of the Headmaster. “But it seems I have no choice in that matter.”

Quickly I rose from my chair and went for the exit. I needed to be alone, needed to process, needed to find strength.

“I just ask one thing of you”, I muttered. “Keep her safe. Don’t let me lose her the way I lost Lily.”

“I promise, Severus. I will do everything in my power to protect her. History won’t repeat itself”, he whispered, his voice full of regret as I left his office.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the overwhelming love on the last chapter! <3

Nervous I made my way from the common room to the Potions Master’s office. I hadn’t seen him in the last two days. He hadn't been at the meals in the Great Hall and when I had knocked at his door with my wand, it wouldn’t open. It had never happened before, even if he wasn’t there, it had always opened for me. Had something happened to him? Was that why it didn’t open? Or had Professor Dumbledore found out about us and sent him away?

As I reached the door I pulled my wand from my robes, taking a deep breath and knocked on it three times, surprised to hear the familiar click again. Still nervous I entered the room and immediately felt that something was off. Severus sat at his desk, staring blankly into the nothingness, an almost empty bottle of firewhiskey and a glass standing in front of him.

“Sev… are you alright?”, I asked and came closer, wanted to put my hand on his cheek but I couldn’t. He had grabbed it before I could’ve touched him, pushing it back at me.

“Don’t.”

Perplexed about his icy tone and demeanour I stepped back a little. “Did I do anything to offend you?”

He didn’t answer right away, just reached for his half-empty glass, downing it with one sip before putting it down again. “I just don’t think it’s appropriate for a student to touch a teacher this way, Miss Brighton.”

“ _Miss Brighton_?”, I asked confused while he refilled his glass. “Severus, what happened?”

The dark-haired man still didn’t meet my gaze just brought the alcohol to his lips again. Before he could drink it though I took it from him, put it back on the table.

“Severus, talk to me. Did I hurt you? Offend you?”

“None of that sort”, he answered and closed his eyes. “I’ve just come to the realisation that this has been a mistake.”

I could feel how my heart skipped a beat, how my hands started to tremble. “This?”, I asked coarsely even though I knew the answer.

“Us.”

I felt how my body went numb, how everything was replaced by emptiness while I stared at the pale face of my lover. He couldn’t mean that, he just couldn’t. Just a few days ago he had pulled me into his arms, had told me that he loved me.

“Why?”

The dark-haired man closed his eyes again. “Countless reasons, none of which I’d like to explain. Just accept that it’s over.”

“Sev, please, let’s-”

“Spare me from the shameless begging of a silly girl”, he interrupted me and reached for his glass again. “Accept that I have used you for my loneliness, that you were nothing more than a tool, a facsimile and that I woke up.”

The next moment, a loud smack echoed through his office. Bewildered the dark-haired man reached for the cheek I just slapped and finally looked at me. Tears were streaming down my face, my voice broken when I spoke.

“If you want to end it, end it – but don’t you dare make me feel small for loving you.”

*****

Hurt I watched the blonde girl in front of me, watched how she fell apart. The tears spilling over her cheeks seemed to have no end and I felt my heart break all over again. I wanted to tell her that I hadn’t meant it, that I had only wanted to make it easier for her by making her hate me, that I was sorry, that I loved her – but I couldn’t. It was for her own protection, for her own safety that I had to banish her from my life.

Still I felt my arms reaching for her, as if my body didn’t listen to my thoughts, as if it knew its happiness was standing in front of it. Before I could reach her hands though, she stepped back. “Don’t. I don’t want your pity.”

Desperately she tried to wipe the tears off her face while her whole body trembled from pain.

“I don’t understand… a few days ago you said…”, she swallowed hard and the tears started falling again. “Was it a lie? Was everything a lie? Just so you wouldn’t be lonely?” 

Speechless I looked at her, tried not to fall into the pools of emerald liquid which were looking at me. _Of course not, I love you, you’re my light, my own personal sun, you’re my everything._ The words seemed to burn my throat, needed to leave my lips to stop hurting. But they couldn’t.

“You know quite well how I hate to repeat myself. You were a tool. I told you what you wanted to hear so I could use you.”

Her arms wrapped around herself, seemingly trying to quell the pain. It broke everything in me to see her that way and I looked away.

“Why me?”

I suppressed a sigh. I had expected the question and I knew which answer I had to give to destroy everything between us, to make her hate me.

“You reminded me of Lily.”

It was a lie. It was a fucking lie. Yes, her eyes were the same as Lily's but otherwise she didn't resemble my love. Lily had been popular and outspoken, Elizabeth wasn’t. She was calm and reserved and incredibly smart and ambitious. Lily had been talented as well of course, but the blonde girl was exceeding her by far.

The sob that escaped her lips showed me though that she believed it nevertheless. The tears seemed to have no end anymore and I turned away. I couldn’t watch it anymore.

“You should leave now.”

“So you don’t have to see what you did?”, Elizabeth spat and rage filled her eyes, “I would’ve never thought you were that kind of coward, Severus Snape.”

The words hit me like a bludger to the head while the blonde girl turned around and made her way to the door, left without another word.

As the door closed behind her I felt all restraint falling off me, felt all walls and shields break. Crying like a child I broke down on my desk, burying my face in my hands.

Elizabeth. Everything I had wanted without knowing, had needed without realising.

Elizabeth, who had made me feel again, who had healed me in ways I didn’t know were possible.

Elizabeth, who’s laugh was like pure light filling me with warmth.

And I had pushed her away, had to push her away. She’d hate me for it, she’d hate me with the same intensity as she had loved me. And it broke everything in me. Of course I knew it was the only way because I couldn’t bare to see her hurt, couldn’t bare to even think about losing her the way I lost Lily. I knew it was the right decision and still her tear-stained face didn’t vanish from my mind. To be the reason she was suffering, to be the reason for her tears, for her broken heart… it was unbearable.

“Forgive me...”, I begged the empty room. “I am so sorry… please forgive me…”

 

Absently I stared at the students which were pouring into the Great Hall. I still didn’t know why I had let Dumbledore convince me to come to the ball. I hated the festivities of the seventh years. Overseeing the students shamelessly celebrating the end of school was just repulsing.

Deep down I knew why I had agreed though, knew that I had wanted to see her at least one more time before she would leave. We hadn’t spoken since I had terminated our relationship, hadn’t even had class together anymore since she had had her N.E.W.T.s. She hadn’t even showed up for the meals which worried me. I knew I had no right but I wanted to know if she was alright, wanted to see her face, her smile, her eyes. Just one last time.

When I finally saw the blonde girl enter the decorated hall, I forgot how to speak for a second. Elizabeth was enveloped in an emerald satin dress, the long fabric gracefully billowing behind her, wrapping tightly around her waist and giving quite a view of her cleavage. She had tamed her curls in a loose braid, her lips covered in a dark red which contrasted with her light skin. She looked breathtaking.

Her green eyes searched through the room and came to a halt when she saw me. I couldn’t read from them, didn’t know what she thought but I couldn’t avert my eyes. It felt like I was drawn to them, like they were my own personal gravity. I felt the urge to walk to her, to beg her for forgiveness, to just be close to her again.

“Severus”, a calm voice next to me said and I broke out of my trance, quickly turned to the Headmaster who was standing next to me. “You can’t.”

Madly I glared at him. “I am perfectly aware of that fact.”

“I know how hard this is for you, Severus…”

“No, you have no _fucking_ idea how hard this is!”, I hissed, “You have no idea how it feels to have to push away the only person who cares about you, the only person who loves you, who has _ever_ loved you.”

The light blue eyes looked sadly at me. “You know that it is for her own safety. If Voldemort knows that she survived…”

“I know”, I muttered, watching the blonde girl again who was surrounded by her friends and Scott, of all people. The warm smile she had on her lips depressing me even more this time. “It doesn’t make it any easier.”

And without another word I stepped away, left the Great Hall with big strides and rushed out into the courtyard. With a deep breath I leaned against the wall of the castle, stared into the sky and tried to rebuild my shields. Seeing Elizabeth had teared them down all over again and seeing Scott with her, his hand on her bare shoulders…

My fist clenched at the thought. Had she already moved on? Was she with him? No, I didn’t think so. Still I knew that sooner or later she would find someone, would move on and forget about me. She would love someone else, someone who deserved her more than I did. The thought broke my heart all over again. But at least I could keep her safe, at least I wouldn’t lose her the way I lost Lily. As long as her smile was still in this world it would be enough for me.

“Severus?”

I felt my heart skip a beat when I heard her voice. Perplexed I turned around and looked into the green orbs which had followed me into my dreams for the last weeks. I opened my mouth to say something, to remind her that I wasn’t Severus to her anymore but no sound was coming over my lips. I just stared at her, trying to suppress my feelings with all might.

“I… I just wanted to say goodbye,”, she said and tugged at her dress. The music coming from the Great Hall and the moonlight shining down on us made this meeting almost ironically romantic. “It felt wrong to leave without speaking to you one last time.”

Absently I nodded, not trusting myself to say something, too scared I’d beg her for forgiveness. She still didn’t move, still looked at me and I could see the pain in her eyes.

“I still don’t understand”, she whispered. “I thought…”

A little sigh escaped her lips before she shook her head. “It doesn’t matter anymore I guess.”

Her eyes met mine again. How long would I not see her? Would I ever see her again? The thought alone made me want to pull her into my arms, to not let her go.

“I should head back”, she said but instead of moving away she came closer. The next moment she had placed her lips on mine and I felt how I was filled by the warmth of her light again. Before I could even think about it, could even think about what was the right thing to do, I had my arms already around her, pulling her closer. I felt her sighing into the kiss, felt her hands on my face and didn’t want to let her go. It would be so easy, so easy to give in, so easy to have her back but I couldn’t.

“Enough”, I muttered and pushed her away. The blonde girl didn’t look up at me, preferred to stare onto the ground.

“I know no one can replace Lily, I know _I_ can’t replace Lily… but promise me something, please”, she whispered and I heard that she was crying. “Promise me you’ll find your happiness anyway. You deserve to be happy, Sev.”

Her green eyes met my black ones again and it cost me everything not to react, to keep a straight face.

“If you promise me the same thing.”

She looked up again and a sad smile appeared on her face. I felt like she wanted to say something but she simply nodded before finally stepping away. “Goodbye, Severus.”

I watched her as she went back into the castle and tears filled my eyes. How could I promise her to find my happiness when she just walked away from me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sneaking away to go into hiding*


	32. Chapter 32

_3 and a half years later_

 

Annoyed I stared at the students entering the Great Hall. Hogwarts robes mixed with those of Beauxbatons and Durmstrang. The Triwizard Tournament revived. What in God’s name was Dumbledore thinking? As if it wasn’t hard enough to keep Potter away from harm, he had to invite former Death Eaters along with Dragons into the castle so we’d all be in more danger than necessary. And on top of all of that, the Dark Mark kept growing.

With a small sigh I leaned back in my chair as Crouch and the small brigade of Ministry workers, who were here for tomorrow’s choosing of the champions, entered the Great Hall and made their way up to the head table. I snarled at his sight, the memory of my trial 13 years ago too vividly burned into my mind. This was going to be a _wonderful_ year.

My gaze fell on Karkaroff who had taken the spot to my left and was in a deep conversation with Minerva. I leaned forward a little bit to reach for my wine glass, trying to listen to what they were talking about when I heard a voice.

“Is this seat taken?”

I almost dropped the glass in my hand. This was impossible.

Slowly I turned around and felt my heart skip a beat when I met the eyes of the woman in front of me. Green as an emerald, sparkling like the last time I had seen them, radiating the same light they did three years ago.

“Elizabeth?”, I whispered coarsely.

“Good evening, Severus”, she answered with a smile and I could feel how the well-known warmth enveloped me, how my heart wanted to jump from my chest.

“May I…?”, she asked again, gesturing towards the vacant chair next to me and I simply nodded, unable to trust my voice. The blonde woman sat down next to me and I couldn’t stop staring at her. She hadn’t change all that much since I last saw her, still looked like the girl in my dreams. Her hair was a little longer, her demeanour had changed a little but overall she was still my Elizabeth.

“I hope you are well?”

I cleared my throat, desperate to find a little composure again. “I am. You as well I hope?”

She nodded and shot me another smile. “Go on, ask away.”

“Pardon me?”

“You are eager to ask why I am here.”

Perplexed I looked at her. How was she still able to read me so well?

“I work at the Department of International Cooperation”, she continued, filling her glass with the wine in front of us. “I will be staying in Hogwarts until the end of the tournament, overseeing the preparation of the tasks while Mr Crouch stays back at the Ministry and will only join me for the tasks themselves.”

“You will stay?”, I simply asked and couldn’t conceal the hope in my voice. I knew what an incredible torture it was going to be. Having her so close was like exposing a former drug addict to his most irresistible substance. But seeing her again, having her back in my life – it felt too good to be true.

“Not the whole year but yes, I will stay.”

 

Sleepless I stared onto the ceiling of my bedroom. There were only a few ours left till dawn and I was quite certain I wasn’t going to use them for sleep either. My mind was too occupied by the blonde woman who was sleeping in the guest wing of the castle. I could still feel her hand on my arm while she had wished me a good night, still feel the warmth of her smile.

A small sigh escaped my lips while I closed my eyes. There hadn’t been a day in the last three years I hadn’t thought about her, hadn’t been a night I hadn’t imagined her in my arms. Time hadn’t changed anything about my feelings, if possible they even grew stronger with each passing day. The longing for her had tortured me, had thrown me back into the well-known darkness. Unable to reach my light, to be with my love, my demons had devoured me again, had changed me back to the heartless bat everybody was used to.

When Potter had arrived after we had broken up, I had hoped that seeing Lily’s son would make me feel better, would ease the pain of the sacrifice of my relationship with Elizabeth. Quickly I had realised though, that he was more Potter’s than Lily’s son, that he was every bit as arrogant as my old nemesis. He had become the outlet for my pain and anger in the last years, being the reason I couldn’t be with Elizabeth. Even though I knew that it wasn’t the whole truth.

Absentmindedly my hand wandered to the pocket watch on my nightstand, my fingers firmly enclosing it. It had become a ritual of mine, the cold metal under my fingers easing the pain of my loneliness.

Elizabeth’s smiling face appeared before my eyes again as it always did when I felt the ticking in my hand. I couldn’t believe that she was actually back in my life. I knew it didn’t make a difference, knew it wouldn’t change anything – still I couldn’t help the warm feeling that I have missed so long return to my chest. I had almost forgotten how she could make me feel, had almost forgotten again how it felt to see her smile.

“It doesn’t change anything”, I whispered to myself, holding onto the pocket watch even more. “Not one thing.”

 

“Enter”, I answered annoyed to the faint knock on my door, not even bothering to avert my gaze from the essays I was correcting.

“Am I disturbing?”

Surprised by the voice, I looked up and stared at Elizabeth who was standing in the doorway, waiting for an answer, a soft smile on her face. It was a view I had missed in the last years, one that had been so common to me. One of the many little things I hadn’t realised how important they were to me until they had been gone.

“No, please enter.”

With a smile she closed the door behind her, stepping closer to my desk and taking a look at the essays in front of me. “Correcting, I suppose?”

Swiftly she took one from the stack and read a few lines. “Wit-sharpening potion? Fourth year, if I remember correctly?”

“Exactly”, I answered and could barely hide a smile, not even surprised by her knowledge of the curriculum. “But I guess you didn’t visit me to look at poor student’s works. So, how can I be of help?”

Smiling sadly she put the parchment back on the others, before her green eyes found my black ones. “Actually, I thought I could be.”

“And how would that be?”

“I just thought because of Halloween… maybe you needed someone to talk to.”

Speechless I looked at her for a moment. After all I had said to her, after breaking her heart so cruelly, hurting her so recklessly, she still worried about me. She still cared about me. I would’ve never considered it possible, never really hoped for it. It took everything in me to not pull her instantly into my arms, to feel her warmth against my body, to feel her care for me physically. But I couldn’t. I had made my choice years ago, made the choice to protect her by pushing her away. I couldn’t risk her life just because I missed her, just because I was lonely, because I didn’t have anyone who cared about me beside her.

“I don’t.”

“Severus, if you…”

“And I’d appreciate if you’d leave now, I have to finish my work.”

A small sigh escaped her lips while I looked back onto the essay in front of me, unable to see the sadness in her face again before I heard the door close again.

 

Silently I watched as Elizabeth entered the Great Hall. She didn't look at me while see made her way to the head table and took her seat next to me but I couldn’t avert my eyes. She looked absolutely stunning. Her hair was bound into an elegant knot and the dark blue cloak she was wearing accentuated her figure better than I’d wish it would.

“Severus”, Elizabeth greeted me without looking at me, just staring into the crowd of students in front of us. I didn't answer, simply looked at her while Dumbledore started his speech, followed by the Halloween dinner. I just couldn't stop looking at her. I knew that the real reason why I was staring at her wasn’t because of her incredible looks but our short meeting in the afternoon. I simply couldn’t believe that she still cared about me. It seemed impossible after how I had ended our relationship, after having told her that she was simply a facsimile, just a reminder of Lily, that I had never loved her. Just thinking about that day hurt me incredibly, I couldn’t even imagine how she had felt. And still she cared.

When the Goblet of Fire was finally brought into the hall, everybody moved a little closer to have a better view. Just Elizabeth didn’t. She simply sat there, her hand resting on the table, just a few centimetres from mine. I felt the urge to take it. Somehow it felt if I would take it, I would have her back. Even though I didn’t know if she even felt the same for me as she did over three years ago. Just because she still cared for me didn’t mean she still loved me or that she had forgiven me for hurting her so cruelly.

“You are staring at me, Severus”, Elizabeth whispered while the Durmstrang students started cheering after Krum was chosen to represent their school as a Triwizward champion.

“Excuse me”, I replied, still not being able to turn away from her.

“You are still doing it.”

The blonde woman turned towards me, her green eyes scanning me while the Beauxbatons champion made her way to Dumbledore. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking, couldn’t tell what I still was to her. Did she just feel sorry for me? Did she just offer to listen because of old times sake?

“What do you want?”, she whispered. “You don’t want to talk to me, didn’t even want to look at me before and now you can’t stop staring at me. So what is it that you want Severus?”

My hand next to hers twitched.

_You._

_Just you._

It repeated again and again in my head while Diggory was proclaimed Hogwarts champion. Maybe Dumbledore had been wrong years ago. Maybe I could be with her and still protect her, keep her away from Voldemort. Maybe I could have her back and still fulfil my vow to protect Lily’s son. Maybe there was a future for us. Maybe if I’d just take her hand...

“Harry Potter.”

The name echoed through the silent hall and made Elizabeth and me turn towards Dumbledore who held the charred piece of paper in his hand, the name of a fourth champion.

My fingers who had been about to grab Elizabeth’s stopped in their tracks. My gaze fell on the boy whose eyes were like the blonde woman’s next to me, who was again thrown into danger, who would need my protection.

My hand moved from the table into my lab. No. I had made my choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos, comments, bookmarks and subscriptions <3 I always love to hear your opinions :)

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews are my lifeline <3


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